Pocrescophobia

For once, I'm actually excited for the day that lies ahead. Well, I have the right to be excited. I mean, I'm finally seeing my parents and Cyan for the first time since I've been in this place. And since I've been doing fairly well, I can be unchaperoned, suh-weet. So, I’ve totally been journaling more than often, and I think that it’s actually helping with things. I feel less stressed and angry since I can get my anger out on the paper. I wish that I still wrote poetry. Poetry kinda faded away after a while because I kept thinking that mine was too unoriginal and clichéd and depressed teenager-like. So I just kinda stopped. But I don’t think that I could ever stop writing, no matter what.

Nobody even knows that I write though. Whenever I’m about to tell someone, I’m afraid that they’re gonna laugh at me for writing or ask to read it and then laugh at how stupid and faggoty it is. So I just… prefer keeping it to myself. I have to have a hiding space for my journal though, because I’m so paranoid that someone will read it. I don’t even want Kendrick reading it. Hell, I didn’t even tell the therapist and I told her a lot of what’s happened. Yeah, usually I wouldn’t, but she’s actually pretty nice unlike some of the other bastards that my parents sent me to that were just out for my parents’ money. But Elaine seems different. She seems like she actually cares. I don’t really think that she’d just pretend to care about us other than money, and the job was volunteer apparently. Anyway, she’s really nice.

So, Cyan just texted me and told me that he’d be here in like 15 minutes. Oh my glob, 15 minutes. Oh no, what if he gets here and he doesn’t like me anymore? Or he thinks that I’m fat? I know I’ve been getting fatter, I’ve gained weight. Trust me, I know, I checked. And that caused some breakdown. Jeezum Crow, can’t I do anything without having a fucking breakdown? Apparently not.

The fifteen minutes that actually pass feel more like an eternity. All I’m doing is sitting on my bed, phone in hand, texting Cyan and listening to The Story So Far. My leg shakes in anticipation and I can tell that it’s getting on Kendrick’s nerves by the way that he tosses back and forth, grunting and huffing before pouting at me and then doing the same thing over again. Well, he can wait for me to go away for fifteen fucking minutes. So impatient. It’s not that early anyway, he shouldn’t be asleep. But that’s not stopping him. Nothing can keep Kendrick from sleep. Annoyances merely delay the sleep.

Finally, one of the workers knocks on the door, saying that I had visitors. Finally! I thought that my leg was about to break off. Or that Kendrick was going to rip it off. Oh well. He can get over. I quickly stand up, rushing out of the room, almost forgetting that I have no idea where the hell I’m supposed to go, so I run back to the nurse and walk behind her slowly moving figure. Ugh. Come onnnnn. What seems like hours later, we turn a corner and the first person I see is the one I’ve wanted to see all along. Cyan. I don’t think that I’ve ever been this happy to see him in my life. Well, seeing as most of my life, I’ve been terrified of him, that’s not saying much.

So anyway, I just leave the apathetic nurse in the dust and run straight for the three standing there, looking uncomfortable. Immediately, Cyan spots me and grins, and I can feel my heart beating rapidly in anticipation. Without any other thought, I propel myself straight into his waiting arms and cling to him. He just chuckles and hugs me back, letting me down after a few seconds.

“Hey,” he says, staring down at me, drinking me in for the first time in a couple of weeks. “Hey,” I reply shyly, noticing the other people staring disconcertedly at us. When no one else says anything, someone clears their throat and I’m broken out of my trance to look at my parents waiting impatiently with little smirks on their faces. Oh no. They’ll hold this over my head forever. That’s how my family is when it’s normal.

As I step into my mother’s waiting arms, she sighs and hugs me to her, smoothing down my already smoothed hair. But I don’t really mind. I just hug her back. Yeah, she and dad were pretty fucking bad to me for a while, but I must admit, I have a soft spot for my mother… Plus, I think that I’ve forgiven them. And that makes me think. Have I forgiven Cyan for what he did? Ugh, fuck it. I’ll think about it later. Store it away for when I’m alone. Enjoy the short time with the people you want to see.

So, minutes later, we’re walking around the facility as I lead the trio to my more lived in room. We stop in front of the room and I knock first, seeing in anyone responds, just in case Kendrick’s doing anything… inappropriate. I’ve already walked in on him once. Awkward. But there’s no reply, so I open the door, noticing his bed empty, and I smile, leading the others inside our medium sized room.

“So this is where my roommate and I live,” I say simply, sitting on my bed. Cyan does the same as me. “Roommate?” Cyan and Mom ask in unison. I nod, shrugging. “Yeah, he’s cool.” And I notice Cyan’s features start to darken. I frown a bit, turning away. What’s his deal? Oh em eff, is he jealous? He can’t be… But that seems to be the only explanation… I scoot over a little, wrapping my hand around his slightly larger one. And once again, he’s smiling and cheery like the usual Cyan.

“So, what’re we going to do?” I ask. The others just look at each other and turn back to me, not having an answer. Oh great. Please don’t spend the entire time here. Please no no no no no. “Okay, well, we can find stuff to do. I saw some places when we were driving here,” I add. After they nod, I sigh in relief and grab my phone and put on my shoes before walking next to Cyan out of this place. Hmm, the air smells nice. The grass is greener on the other side. Especially when this side of the grass is one of the most difficult places for me to be.