Pocrescophobia

All four of us walk around for a while until Arden’s parents leave to the hotel we’ll be at with the pretext that they’re tired and need to get a few hours of sleep, but I can stay with Arden if I want. Hmm. I know what they’re doing. And I’m thankful for it. So I’ll let them have plenty of time with him tomorrow. And then we’ll leave during the night and have just enough time to get back and get sleep for Monday. So we have plenty of time to spend with Arden.

“So,” I start as Arden’s parents leave. “So,” he replies. “So, what’s it like here?” I ask. He nibbles on his bottom lip and we begin to walk along the side of a road. “Well, it’s… it’s really… hard to explain. We can do pretty much whatever, but we have to eat to every meal and we’re not allowed to leave the table until we eat at least half. Some of the people are pretty nice. But I’ve been…” he hesitates. “I’ve been… having a lot of panic attacks because of… it. But my roommate’s been helping me through them recently, so it’s a little better.” I nod, trying to push the jealousy down. I shouldn’t be jealous. I should be happy that he’s not going through panic attacks alone.

“That’s good. I know that I hate going through panic attacks alone,” I remark before realizing that I forgot to tell him about that. “You have them, too?” he asks, eyebrows furrowing. I give him a sheepish smile. “Yeah. Ever since 6th grade,” I mutter, looking away. I don’t know why I’m embarrassed. It’s not like he’ll think I’m weird for it. He has them, too. Still, there’s this subtle feeling that I’m used to by now.

“So, why exactly do you have them?” Arden asks finally. I take a shaky breath, looking at his confused face. “I just have this fear… This irrational fear of… No, it sounds so stupid. It doesn’t matter. I just have them.” But really, who am I fooling? Definitely not the boy in front of me.

“You can tell me, I swear,” he assures me softly. I nod lightly and take a deep breath. We both sit down on the side, in a comfy patch of grass not near any danger. “So, I have this fear, this… paranoia that… ugh, it sounds really stupid, but I have this fear of being like, embarrassed publicly or ridiculed. When I was younger, I used to basically be the laughingstock of the entire school, the town, even. I was like the village idiot. I had no friends, I was gross, I was socially awkward, and a complete fuck up in every way possible. So, enough being said, I was constantly bullied. I was just… completely fucked up by the time I reached middle school. Finally, things happened and my mom decided to move us halfway across the country to a better life for us.

“So, we packed up our things, she left my poor excuse for a father, and we left everything behind. I came here and decided that things would change; I wouldn’t be that weak little boy anymore. I wouldn’t let people push me around. So instead, I chose to become the one causing everyone fear, so that I wouldn’t be the one fearing again. But ever since then, the fear’s just stayed with me. I can’t even tell anymore if I’m getting better or worse, but there’s still that sick feeling of paranoia inside of me every time I think about any social situations. I know it doesn’t give me any justification for the fucked up things I’ve done, but I just… I haven’t even really told anyone else about it except for Lauren. I don’t know why, but I just…” I trail, not even really able to explain further. Plus, I don’t want to embarrass myself by saying something stupid. Ugh, he’s probably going to laugh at me. Please don’t laugh at me.

I don’t dare to look up at anything but my hands, but I jump slightly when I feel a hand on my cheek. Slowly, I raise my head up and look at Arden, who’s looking at me sympathetically with his big eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going to make fun of you. I promise. If it means anything, I think that you’re strong with it. You never show it, you never let it take hold of you like I did. Yeah, you made some really bad decisions, but… you stay strong. You survive every day in school, and you strive. I wish that I could be strong, too.” I rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent, finding comfort in it.

“You can be strong, too, Arden. You just have to get through this. I’m already so proud of you for just making it this far. And if you really need it, I can help you be strong.”