Pocrescophobia

=Arden=

God, I can’t believe how long it’s been since everything started. Since that first day. It’s about halfway through summer now, the middle of July. It’s crazy how much shit’s happened in between these 8 or so months. It’s been a few months since I was first put here and they just told me that since I’ve been doing so well and *shudders slightly* gaining weight, I can go home in a week. But I have to go to regular therapy and take medication for shit and make sure to keep eating and stuff or else I have to go back. But still! Ugh, I can’t wait. I feel so different from when I first came here. I mean, so much shit’s happened. And while I still fear the scale and have occasional panic attacks, being forced to eat at least twice a day and taking medication is making things easier. My friends and Cyan help me a lot, too, but I don’t want to make myself dependent on someone, especially with something like this. I mean, it’s nice hearing them say all of these great things to me and help me so much, but I can’t just put the responsibility on them. Things don’t work that way. I have to do this on my own.

I’m so excited to go back though. I’m just kinda ready to get out of here, no matter how much I love some of the people here. Even though a few of them left already. Ashlie was the first (thank glob), and then following her were Rebekah, and then finally Marshall, who left only last week. We’ve all grown pretty close though, with the exception of Ashlie who just started to pretty much ignore everyone until she left. Whatever. That’s her own deal.

Ooh, I should go ahead and text everyone with da news. Ugh, I’m so excited, I can barely control myself. The boy asleep across the room is the only thing keeping me from squealing out loud and jumping around the room. Maybe I should anyway. Nah, last time I woke Kendrick up before his usual time, he wouldn’t talk to me for three days. So instead, I try to calm down by writing it in my journal. Well, my new one. I completely filled my old one up. I’m already halfway through this one. What can I say, writing is just what I do. Ah, and when I get out, it’ll be right before my birthday. I think that for once, things are actually going somewhat well for me. I mean, I’m in a better environment, my parents care about me, I have an amazing boyfriend and great friends, I’m getting out in a week right before my birthday, and I think that I’m starting to finally get better. I haven’t even been happy in a long time. So this is crazy.

Abandoning all previous thoughts, I decide to fuck it and get loud, successfully waking Kendrick up. Oh well, he’ll understand. He’d be doing the same thing if he was in my position. Well, maybe not running around throwing around pencils from my pencil jar into the air like I am, but still. The only thing that stops me in the end is the text alert sounding from my phone. And of course, it’s from Cyan who rambles on excitedly about how awesome it is and all of the things that we’ll do when I get back. I just giggle at my phone, unable to hide any excitement, contrary to the bleary eyed confusion of my roommate.

“Whut?” he mutters sleepily. “It’s so early,” he whines, looking at the alarm clock. “It’s 11, Kendrick. That’s considered late for some people,” I respond, rolling my eyes playfully. “Ugh, whatever. Why did you wake me up anyway?” he asks, laying back down in his bed.

“Oh, y’know, nothing special, except that I just get to leave in a week,” I reply casually. He grunts in response, putting his pillow over his head. And he’ll register it in 3, 2, 1—

“You get out in a week! Holy shit man, that’s awesome!” he suddenly exclaimed, sitting up in his bed. There ya go. I nod at him, giggling. “Yep.”

“Dude, that’s so awesome for you,” he mumbles before falling back on his bed and going back to sleep. Oh well. At least he won’t be ignoring me for three days again. I have a feeling that these last few days will pass by slowly though.

=

I couldn’t be more wrong. As the days pass, I barely feel anything. And then the last day comes and it hits me. Jesus Christ, this is the end. I go home tomorrow. There’s this almost surreal feeling that hits me when I’m just walking through the hallway and I stop to sit down on the floor. A small smile comes onto my face as I remember the good times in this place and the good times that I’ll have now that I’ve started to get treatment. I think that I’m really ready to leave. But I will miss everyone here so much. I know that I’ll stay in touch though. I mean, I’d be horrible not to. I love these guys and I know that some still need a lot of help, and I’m not going to stop that even if I’m gone.

As I finally stand up and continue to make my way down the hall, I walk a little slower, really just cherishing every moment in these last few days. The bell for lunch rings and I smile a bit, not really speeding up or slowing down. I make my way down at my own pace and I grab my lunch at the lunch line before sitting down peacefully next to Harmony, who’s reading a book per usual. She lifts her head up slightly to give me a smile before going back to her book. The others chat happily around me, engaging in gossip and random conversation as I observe them, occasionally joining in. Before we all leave to go to our separate things, Cora stops to tell me that we’re all meeting in Harmony’s room tonight for our weekly hangout. We had to move it up to tonight so that we could have it the night before I left and have one last night all together.

So hours later, we all come together in Harmony’s room. It’s pretty packed with all of us: me, Harmony, Cora, Kendrick, and a few other people who joined our group, Evelyn, Sarin, Nathan, Gwen, and Zylen. For about an hour we all just hang out like usual, eating a little, talking, peeing, whatever. And then we start to play the traditional game of truth or dare on Cora’s Kindle. After that’s done, we all just sit around with all of the lights off and a few candles that Sarin brought lit around the room, and we just tell stories and talk. Well, we sort of made it a game like in Looking For Alaska, but instead of drinking, the best storyteller of the round gets to dare the worst storyteller to do something. It’s actually really funny though. But there’s an easy atmosphere around the room and I just feel at peace. When we all feel tired, everyone joins up in the middle and I expect everyone to just tell me something and go back to their rooms, but Cora stops me and goes over to her closet to open it and pull something out. When she finally comes back into view, I notice that she’s carrying a huge bin with her.

“What’s that?” I ask. She laughs slightly, opening the lid to reveal… presents? “They’re for you, silly. Since you’re leaving, everyone decided to get you a little something to remember you by,” she explains and my eyes widen and I’m reluctant to admit that they start to water quite a bit as well. “You guys, you didn’t have to,” I state, but they just shake their heads. Cora reaches in, pulling out a medium sized gift and handing it to me.

“Here. Mine first,” she tells me. I just smile at her, opening the wrapping paper carefully to reveal a book that I’ve been wanting to read for a while. “Oh my god, thank you!” I exclaim, launching myself at her. She giggles and hugs me back. And it goes like that for the rest of the presents. Evelyn got me a stuffed polar bear, Sarin got me some really awesome smelling candles, Gwen got me a few CDs that I’ve wanted for a while, Kendrick gave me like 5 notebooks for writing and a few other CDs, Zylen got me a pack of 100 mechanical pencils and a huge eraser (“because everyone makes mistakes and sometimes they just need an eraser,” he told me), Nathan got me like 3 things of coffee, and Harmony gave me probably the best thing ever: a notebook full of poems dedicated to me and our friendship and things that she thought I’d like. By the time that I leave, I can barely see the hall through my tears and Kendrick has to both guide me to our room and carry half of my stuff for me. Needless to say, that night I go to sleep with a smile on my face.