Pocrescophobia

I can barely hear myself over my friends' mindless chattering about 'Oh god did you see how fucking skinny he was?' and 'I feel so sorry for him' and I'm actually really glad that not many are really talking shit about it. I don't really pay too much attention to them however. I can barely process anything, much less pay heed to their incessant blather. I can barely feel anything.

I feel numb. How did I not know? How could I even... cause someone to... constantly eradicate himself for years? How could I have caused so much pain to a person? Oh god, what have I done?

I don't notice the group to completely extinguish all conversation until I feel Lauren's bony elbow jab me in the ribs, and I look up, a haunted look in my eyes, I'm sure. Lauren nods to the rest of the group before grabbing my arm and leading me away from the now silent table. Once we're at her car, she locks the doors and looks at me with those knowing, nonjudgmental eyes. After a few minutes pass, I thunk my head against the cold window and close my eyes, but open them quickly again, because as soon as my eyes shut, I can still see how tiny and malnourished he really is and the look on his face when I... ruined him. No. I didn't ruin him. I ruined him a long time ago. I ruined his life. I caused something that nobody can ever fix.

God, I wouldn't even think any kind of shit like this before today. I guess I just... I didn't really know that this actually happened to people. I didn't know that people can see themselves as ugly, as fat, as horrible, when really, they're anything but. And I didn't realise that I could make someone think that just because of what I say. Something as meaningless as words causing a huge, negative impact on someone's life.

The only thing I can feel is a deep need, a drive inside of me that tells me to go to him, to find him, to heal him. And I... I don't know what to think. I've never... wanted to help someone. And much less Arden. But, I have to. I need to. He needs my help.And I think that I need his help, too.

I ruined him. And I need to make up for it. I need to see him.