Sequel: Achluophobia ›
Status: Done
Pocrescophobia
You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins.
Finally, my thoughts have cleared up enough (with major help from the best person ever, Lauren) for me to realise that I absolutely need to go see Arden. I don't know if I can do it tonight though. I don't think that I can actually have the guts to do it. I don't think I could handle seeing him so soon and remembering that... that horrible, terrified, haunted look on his face, and how the tightness of his shirt showed off his ribs and how it reminds me that I did that to him. It sounds selfish, but I need a day to recover, to get my courage up.
It's already nearly lunch when Lauren drives us back, making sure that I'm okay before leaving us to return to our separate classes. The day passes absurdly slow, what with the gossip about the anorexic boy buzzing in my ears everywhere I turn. I'm glad that he isn't here to listen to the moronic prattle of teenage girls. He wouldn't be able to handle it. I know I wouldn't.I can't handle anyone making fun of me or spreading anything about me at all.
I don't think that I've been happier in my life than when the last bell rang, finally ending my suffering. Now I can go home and just try to sleep some of this shit off. But much to my surprise, as soon as I get outside to meet with Lauren and her friend Morgan, Arden's older brother, John, is waiting by my car, looking pissed. Pissed being an understatement, actually. Well, I might as well go ahead and face him. I can't be a coward about this as well as everything else. When finally I step up in front of him, he basically snarls at me and clenches his fists at his sides. Hit me. I deserve it.
"You. Little. Fuck," he growls out, face turning a bright red. He quickly steps forward, taking my collard in his hand, much like how I did to Arden. "How fucking DARE you do that to my little brother? Do you even know how much pain you've caused him for the past few years? How can you live with yourself knowing what you did to him, you little shithead?" I don't want to further provoke him, but by not answering, I end up pissing him off even more.
"Well?! Fucking answer me, bitch! How do you feel?!" he shouts, getting the attention of those not already watching. "I feel like shit, okay!" I shout, trying to keep my pent up rage in. The rage at myself.
And with that, I gain a fist in my face.I deserve it. Why bother fighting back? Yeah, I have a big sense of pride, but I need to let him get his anger out on me. If not me, then who else? Many painful, bloody punches and kicks later, he finally looks down at me on the ground with a face full of disgust. I don't blame him. I'd be disgusted if I was him.
"That's for my brother, fuckface," he sneers, spitting near me before a security guard finally shows up and takes him away to the principal's office. Seconds later, I'm pulled up and supported by someone's shoulder as I blindly lean on him or her, following their lead. About ten minutes later, I find myself and one of the audience members in the nurse's office, and I almost smirk as the nurse completely frets over me, taking careful dabs at the blood on my face, being wary not to hurt me.
I'm finally patched up and somewhat okay 30 minutes later, and I walk out to my car, dreading my parents' reaction to multiple cuts and bruises littering my face. Oh, joy.
Well, I guess now I can't really see Arden today anyway. I wouldn't want to scare him off with the cuts and bruises. Hell, I'd scare him off anyway. What does it matter if my face just looks worse than usual? It doesn't take away the fact that I ruined him. Nothing takes away the fact that I ruined him.
God, I sound like such a pansy. I would've punched myself if I even thought like this before. If I had ever thought about Arden in a way that wasn't filled completely with bitter hate over something I don't even remember, I would have locked myself in a mental institution and called myself crazy. But it's different now. I just feel like such... shit. It's almost unexplainable. Maybe it's my conscience finally catching up with me. Who knows. But whatever it is, I just can't get him out of my head.
It's already nearly lunch when Lauren drives us back, making sure that I'm okay before leaving us to return to our separate classes. The day passes absurdly slow, what with the gossip about the anorexic boy buzzing in my ears everywhere I turn. I'm glad that he isn't here to listen to the moronic prattle of teenage girls. He wouldn't be able to handle it. I know I wouldn't.I can't handle anyone making fun of me or spreading anything about me at all.
I don't think that I've been happier in my life than when the last bell rang, finally ending my suffering. Now I can go home and just try to sleep some of this shit off. But much to my surprise, as soon as I get outside to meet with Lauren and her friend Morgan, Arden's older brother, John, is waiting by my car, looking pissed. Pissed being an understatement, actually. Well, I might as well go ahead and face him. I can't be a coward about this as well as everything else. When finally I step up in front of him, he basically snarls at me and clenches his fists at his sides. Hit me. I deserve it.
"You. Little. Fuck," he growls out, face turning a bright red. He quickly steps forward, taking my collard in his hand, much like how I did to Arden. "How fucking DARE you do that to my little brother? Do you even know how much pain you've caused him for the past few years? How can you live with yourself knowing what you did to him, you little shithead?" I don't want to further provoke him, but by not answering, I end up pissing him off even more.
"Well?! Fucking answer me, bitch! How do you feel?!" he shouts, getting the attention of those not already watching. "I feel like shit, okay!" I shout, trying to keep my pent up rage in. The rage at myself.
And with that, I gain a fist in my face.I deserve it. Why bother fighting back? Yeah, I have a big sense of pride, but I need to let him get his anger out on me. If not me, then who else? Many painful, bloody punches and kicks later, he finally looks down at me on the ground with a face full of disgust. I don't blame him. I'd be disgusted if I was him.
"That's for my brother, fuckface," he sneers, spitting near me before a security guard finally shows up and takes him away to the principal's office. Seconds later, I'm pulled up and supported by someone's shoulder as I blindly lean on him or her, following their lead. About ten minutes later, I find myself and one of the audience members in the nurse's office, and I almost smirk as the nurse completely frets over me, taking careful dabs at the blood on my face, being wary not to hurt me.
I'm finally patched up and somewhat okay 30 minutes later, and I walk out to my car, dreading my parents' reaction to multiple cuts and bruises littering my face. Oh, joy.
Well, I guess now I can't really see Arden today anyway. I wouldn't want to scare him off with the cuts and bruises. Hell, I'd scare him off anyway. What does it matter if my face just looks worse than usual? It doesn't take away the fact that I ruined him. Nothing takes away the fact that I ruined him.
God, I sound like such a pansy. I would've punched myself if I even thought like this before. If I had ever thought about Arden in a way that wasn't filled completely with bitter hate over something I don't even remember, I would have locked myself in a mental institution and called myself crazy. But it's different now. I just feel like such... shit. It's almost unexplainable. Maybe it's my conscience finally catching up with me. Who knows. But whatever it is, I just can't get him out of my head.
♠ ♠ ♠
title cred: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand NewSo ya. Idk. Still writing next chapter, might be out tonight. Ha, lesbehonest, it's probably gonna be out tonight. Maybe two chapters tonight, hell if I know. I know, 'good job planning things Sarah.' Nah, man, fuck that, planning things is for when you're not a total procrastinator who forgets to write important things down.
-Sarah.