And After All This Time, I'm Still Into You

The bottle in my hand is nearly empty and I’m tempted to find another. I’m sure my parents have wine downstairs somewhere. Perhaps I wouldn't make it though. My head is already spinning just from standing up. I should've bought two bottles. Sighing, I sit back down and take a swig of the bottle.

Stupid Alex. It's his fault I'm getting drunk in my room, by myself, on a Wednesday. His fault I ran into him. His fault for making me come down here in the first place. Oh who am I kidding. It's my fault. It was always my fault. My fault he no longer loved me. My fault it all happened. My fault... I trail off. I refuse to think about this. I will not wallow in self pity over the fact that my marriage is over. It takes two to make that happen and it was both of us who were to blame.

My thoughts trail back to this afternoon when I seen Alex.

He looked shocked to find me there, outside his lawyers office. "Jenna?"

I almost melt at the way my name sounds coming out of his mouth. I haven't heard it for so long. I take a second to look him over. Pictures on the Internet don't do any justice to this man who stands before me in the flesh. His hair is shorter. He has two new tattoos. Both of these I already knew. I get a good look at him before I answer him, hoping he doesn't notice.

"Alex." I mumble, looking at the ground and ready to leave. He stops me though and I clench my teeth, willing myself to not let any emotions show.

"I-I didn't know you'd be in town." He says. I can see the manila folder in his hands. He's ready to turn in those signed papers. "I thought this was all I needed from you. I didn't know you had to come down here."

"I didn't. I just...name change and all." I say and his face falls a fraction before he composes himself and clears his throat.

"Oh. I see. Um, I guess you wanted to get that over and done with." He chuckles and I suddenly feel awkward.

I make a move to leave again but he stops me. "Wait. Jenna I...I think we should talk."

I shake my head. "There's nothing to talk about, Alex. I'm going to be late. I have a train back to New York to catch." I lie and before he could stop me again, I'm walking fast towards the car.

On the way home I made sure to stop by the market and purchase a bottle of wine to drown my sorrows in later. Which is exactly what I'm doing right now.

I think back to Alex and how good he looked. Oh god, he looked so good. I close my eyes and imagine him. The way his body looked now that he had grown. He was a man. A man with strong looking arms and facial stub that made him look better than he ever did before.

Before I can comprehend what's happening, I get up from my spot and walk over to the closet, throwing the door open and bringing out the boxes. I sit on the floor next to them and take a swig of my wine. It's liquid courage and I open the first box.

CDs. Shirts. All Time Low merchandise. The shirts still smell like his cologne, even after all these years, and I groan in frustration at that fact. I push the box aside and open the next. Photo albums. I sigh and feel tears prickling my eyes as I open the first one. It's me and Alex, a few minutes after we say I do. With the photo album still in my hands, I look in the box and pull out a bundle of white tulle and fabric. My wedding dress.

I sit up and strip myself of my clothes, grabbing the garment and shaking it free of any dust it might have collected before slipping it on. Its short and strapless, coming about to my knees. It fits a bit loose but my chest area makes up for it and it doesn't fall off. I undo the black sash belt around the waist and tie it tightly so it hugs my body.

I loved this dress. Loved it even more when I realized I could wear it for my wedding.

The band was just getting big and even though we could afford a big wedding, it wasn't what we wanted. We wanted simple. We wanted something that screamed Jenna and Alex. Something that didn't require me wearing a floor length gown dress.

I sit back down and take the photo album in my hand, flipping to the next page. The wine bottle is tipping back into my mouth once more and I think back to that day.

We had been searching for weeks for a place to have our wedding. A church didn't feel right, and a backyard wedding was less appealing. We just wanted something with our parents and our closest friends. Nothing more, nothing less. We decided that we would just get married at the court.

The date was set and everyone knew. Soon we would make it official. And then Jack had the brilliant idea to go get himself ordained as a minister online.

"You guys have to let me marry you. It'll be a dream come true of mine." Jack pleaded.

"Your dream is to marry people?" I asked in a sarcastic voice and Jack shot me a glare.

"Alex, I will marry you and myself right now just so she can't have you if she keeps being mean to me." Jack threatened and I burst out laughing.

"Jenna, leave Jack alone. You know he will do it." Alex warns.

I look towards Jack who has a devious smile plastered to his face and I sigh. He sticks his tongue out at me and I glare at him.

"You know, it would be nice to have a small mini wedding. Just us and our friends. Without our parents in a stuffy court room." Alex suggests.

"We've already made the appointment though. We can't just cancel. Jack doesn't even know the proper paperwork to file. It's not legal just with him saying all those words. There has to be papers filed, it has to be documented." I remind him.

"Sometimes I hate that you're a realist. But then I love it because you think of shit that I wouldn't have." Alex says and kisses me.

"We could still do it! It'll be legal in gods or whoever's eyes and then you can go to the court house after and make it actually legal." Jack says and I'm looking at him like he's a genius, which is rarely because we all know Jack.

"But where?" I finally say and Jack smiles because he knows he's won me over.

"The aquarium." Alex says like its the most obvious answer. And in a way, it is.

"Do they even do that kind of stuff?" I ask.

"Who cares. We just go in, I read this little passage, you kiss and viola. Married." Jack says as he snaps his fingers. "And if we see security, we run. Because I'm not allowed in there anymore."

"Oh gosh, why?" I mistakenly ask.

"Because one of the security guards caught me hooking up with his daughter." Jack smiles and I roll my eyes.

Alex turns to me. "Do you want to do this?" He asks softly and I nod my head.

"It sounds perfect." I reply.

"Ok then it's settled. You're marrying us, Jack." Alex says and Jack lets out a cheer.

"I'll go call everyone and tell them. When are we doing this?"

Alex looks at me and smiles. "Two hours before our court appointment."

When the day comes, I'm nervously pacing back and forth in the girls restroom. Kara, Lisa and myself made sure we had the guys come later than us. It wasn't a traditional wedding but I still wanted the feel of it. That included that the groom didn't see the bride until she was walking down the aisle. I hadn't seen Alex since yesterday afternoon and it was already killing me.

I had my something old; my mothers grandmothers pearl bracelet. I had my something new; a white gold necklace that my father had bought me. I had my something borrowed and something blue; Lisa's sapphire ring. And a new one that Alex's mother had told me, 'And a silver sixpence in her shoe.'

"British traditions and all." She had said when she handed me the coin that morning, her accent reminding me that her son was in fact from England, a thought that always left my mind.

"They're here. Zack said the coast is clear." Lisa said, reading a text.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Hey. It's okay. Don't be nervous. You're marrying Alex. You guys are the picture of perfection." Lisa said as she hugged me. I nodded and let out a shaky breath.

"Come on. Lets go." Kara said and we followed her out.

We walk to a familiar area, where I've been so many times. It seems fitting to be doing this here. The fishes are swimming happily in their tanks, blissfully unaware of what's about to happen. Not that many people are here but the few that are, are starting to take notice in the group that is dressed nicely for just a trip to the aquarium.

When we're close enough, Alex turns to stare at me with a grin and I grin back at him. He's in his suit and I can't help but notice how handsome he is. I can't believe this is the man I'm going to marry. This is it. We're finally going to do this.

I walk up next to him and the girls go to my side. Jack is in front of me and Alex, and Rian and Zack are at Alex's side.

I barely pay attention as Jack talks, opting to look into the face of the man standing before me. Soon I hear Jack say the part about the vows and I turn to Lisa, who hands me a folded paper.

Alex chuckles as he realizes its a set list from one of his recent shows. I smile and begin to read aloud my vows.

"I never thought I'd get the chance to grow up and grow old with someone like you. Never thought I'd get to love someone as much as I love you. Loving you means loving myself, because you are apart of me and I love everywhere and everything that you are. Love cannot be calculated, only felt. And the way I feel about you is ten times the weight of the world. I vow to love you until I can no longer breathe, to love you even in death. I vow to never intentionally inflict pain upon you…but if for some reason I ever do, I will hurt with you until it is gone. I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not, and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home."

I hear Lisa and Kara sniff besides me and I smile. Alex reaches up to brush a stray tear from my face before he pulls out his vows. "I guess set lists are useful for something." He chuckles and I realize he too has written his vows on one. We all laugh and I reach up to peck his lips quickly, unable to stop myself from reacting to adorableness.

"Hey!" Jack chastises. "I didn't say you may now kiss the groom." I bite my lip and a giggle escapes. "Proceed Alex."

Alex clears his throat before starting. "I love you. It has many meanings. It means that I’ll always love you. That I loved you before, that I love you now, that I will love you after. I love you means I loved you before the word was defined. It means there will be no one else. It means that there never was. I love you means a moment. It means a lifetime. I love you isn’t just three simple words…it’s every word I've spoken since your eyes met mine. It's vowing to be yours forever. To take care of you when needed. To support you in everything you set out to do. It means forever. It means always."

"Do you, Jenna, take Alex to be your husband?"

"I do." I say softly, looking into Alex's eyes.

"And do you, Alex, take Jenna to be your wife?"

"I do."

The tears I'm trying to hold back are being held by a thread. I'm lucky Jack says something about the rings because now my mind can focus on something else. We slip on each others rings and look up expectantly.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife." Jack says but soon we hear a 'hey!' and we look over to see a security guard. "You may now kiss the bride!"

We all look over at the guard who's on the other side of the room. Alex quickly kisses me and we laugh as we sprint our way to the exit, the angry security guard running behind our group.

"Jack! You need to stop hooking up with girls who have fathers that carry weapons!" Rian yells as we're almost to the exit.

Once we're out the door we pile into the two cars we came in. I'm with Alex in the back of one car as Zack and Lisa run into the front, Zack starting up the car and driving out of there.

"I love you, Mrs. Gaskarth." Alex whispers and I smile.

"I love you too, Mr. Gaskarth." He kisses me and soon we're in our own little world, oblivious to pictures that Lisa is snapping of us.

I sigh and realize I have tears steaming down my face. The photo album is in my lap, our vows side by side in it. I flip back to the previous page, the picture of me and Alex kissing in the back seat of the car staring up at me. I wasn't Mrs. Gaskarth then. Not until a few hours later when we went to the court and actually had it documented. The right papers were filed, I changed my last name legally. But still, nothing felt more real than that aquarium wedding. And in my drunken state, I'm wanting nothing more than go back to that day.