And After All This Time, I'm Still Into You

After a rather crappy weekend of me sulking, I was thrown back into my normal routine Monday morning. It was distracting, to say the least. I had little to no time to dwell on the events that had happened just a mere 72 hours ago. But when I was home, the empty apartment was a reminder of what waited for me back in Maryland.

The sounds of my mothers cleaning didn’t meet my ears throughout the day, nor did the smells of her cooking. My father coming home from work didn’t interrupt my thinking. Silence was all I heard. I missed the chaos that happened in the few short days I was there.

I had said my goodbyes early Saturday morning as they both dropped me off at the train station. Christmas was just a few days away but even if the drama of all that had happened didn’t push me away, I was obligated to attend more than one Christmas wedding this week. I had promised to send them presents, as I did every year. I hadn’t had time to shop for them and they understood.

The week went by rather fast for such a busy time. I had three weddings on Christmas day and 4 scattered throughout the remaining days. When I left my last wedding early Friday morning, I was more than happy to stay and work another wedding just so I wouldn’t have to go back to my empty apartment. I opted for going back to the office instead, even though I didn’t need to be there.

Trisha greeted me with a smile and a stack of papers as I entered my office. I immediately got to work on ideas for my clients and last minute additions for a wedding tomorrow evening. A rather snooty woman on one of my phone calls had me wanting to take a break later in the afternoon. I was glad for a distraction as my cell rang, Lisa’s name popping up.

“Ugh, thank you.” I said rather dramatically as I answered the phone.

Lisa laughed. “Well someone’s happy to hear from me.”

I chuckled. “Yes, I just love your voice so much. But seriously. I needed a distraction from all this paperwork and crazy bridezillas.”

“Oh, bridezillas are the worst. Have you seen those shows on TLC? Ladies need to relax.”

“Be lucky you don’t have to work with them. They explode if one tiny detail is off and they act like it’s all your fault because you’re the planner. I get that but, when you change your mind about something last minute, then of course there’s going to be some things that are off.” I sighed.

“Wow, someone sounds stressed.” Lisa said.

“I am.” I whined. “I had so many events this week. This morning was the most stress free one all week. Kind of thankful for it. I have one tomorrow so I needed that break from all this madness.”

“Are you at work? You should be at home relaxing.”

“Home is so boring though. It’s too quiet. I miss being back in Baltimore...but then I don’t.” I sighed. “I miss the...chaos of having people live with me.”

“Get a dog.” she suggested. I could hear the clicking of her keyboard meaning she was at work. My thoughts were confirmed when I heard someone talking in the background about energy saving ideas.

“A dog?” I repeated, unsure if I heard her correctly. “You know I don’t do well with taking care of animals. The last time I dealt with dogs was...well, you know.” I mumbled. “Besides, the last time I was left to deal with an animal by myself, it died like a month after. Poor hamster. Sorry I didn’t remember to feed you.”

“A dog is different though. They’re there with you all the time. They’re a little hard to forget about, Jenna. I take care of Baz and Peyton when Lex goes on tour.” I tried to shut out the flutter of emotions that ran through me as she said his name, but I smiled a bittersweet smile as I thought of the two dogs that used to be in my life. “They’re stuck to my side 24/7 when I’m home. Trust me. A dog will help.” So here I was, at a dog pet shop after work.

“Are you looking for anything in particular, miss?” one of the workers asked as I looked at the cute puppies behind the glass.

I shook my head. “Just looking.” I mumbled and continued my search. And then, there at the end, in one of the bottom pens, was the cutest looking husky I had ever seen. It’s blue eyes were full of excitement as it nipped at it’s pen companion, a miniature schnauzer, who just lay there, unaffected by the many attempts to play.

I crouched down and put my hand against the glass, lightly tapping to get his attention. He looked up and rushed over, giving up his attempt to get his roommate to play with him.

“He’s a mini.” I heard above me and I straightened myself to look at the worker.

“A mini?” I questioned.

“Miniature husky.” she replied.

“They have those?” I asked and she nodded.

“Do you want to play with him? We have areas back here for people that are interested in buying. Sort of like a try before you buy.” she joked. I laughed and looked back at the puppy, his tongue hanging out as he looked up at me.

“Sure. Let’s go ahead and do that.”

An hour later and I found myself at the pet store, buying supplies so I could be ready for my new puppy that I was taking home on Wednesday.. They needed to do all kinds of paperwork before I was able to take him home, which in turn gave me the opportunity to prepare myself for the responsibility of having a dog.

I was currently in the food aisle at the pet store, contemplating which kind of dog food to buy. There was all kinds to choose from. Balanced diet. Weight control. Grain free. Not to mention the different flavors and such. I knew I needed puppy food. That was all.

“Need any help?” I hear from besides me and I turn to see a guy with a PetSmart vest on.

“Kind of...” I say and he chuckles.

“What are you looking for?”

“Well, Xander,” I say looking at his name tag. “I just bought a dog. A puppy. I’ve never really had to deal with a dog by myself. My ex was the one that bought the food and stuff. ” I laugh nervously.

“What kind of dog do you have?” he says.

“A mini husky.” I replied.

“Well, I suggest this one. It has all the key nutrients for a puppy, but also for premium pet breeds like that. Then when it gets older, you can move on to either of these choices.” he said, showing me all kinds of different food. “So what did you name it?” he asks after a while.

“Um...I haven’t really decided. I just...went in looking to see if maybe I would buy one, and came out actually buying. They have to do all kinds of paperwork so I don’t actually get him until Wednesday, though. I’ll probably decide this weekend."

"Well hopefully you'll swing by here with him next time. We love seeing owners coming in with their pets. Especially huskies. Even if they are mini." We both chuckle and I thanked him, walking towards the checkout with all my purchases. I had a bed, toys, bowls for food and water, treats and of course the food.

When I got to the checkout, there was a few people in line. "I can check you out over here." I heard and turned to see Xander. I smile and walk over, putting my basket on the counter so he can scan my items. "So there's a park over on 52nd and Jackson. A lot of people go to walk their dogs there. They have doggy water fountains and bags to pick up their business." He chuckled softly. "They have a designated area for dogs. You should check it out sometime." He looked up at me as I handed over my card.

"Um, sure. Sounds nice. Maybe when I'm not so busy." I replied.

"Ah, the busy lives of New Yorkers." He chuckled. I smiled. "Well, maybe I'll see you around."

"Yeah. Maybe." I said as I grabbed my bags and started walking out.

When I got home, I put the little bed in the corner of the living room, along with the various toys. I put away the food and treats and placed the bowls in the cupboard. Looking at the clock, I realized it was just barely 6 o'clock. I walked down the hall to my room, stopping once I was inside. Sighing, I turn around and head back out to the living room, unsure of what to do with myself.

I didn’t have anything else to work on, and what little I did, was back at work. So here I was, sitting at home on a Friday night. Alone. But maybe I wanted to be alone. What if I don't ever want to leave my house, sit on the couch while all my friends are going out? I sigh. That was a complete and utter lie.

I thought back to my conversation with Lisa earlier. After we had discussed the whole dog thing, she mentioned that Jack and her would be coming up Sunday night to celebrate New Years Eve in the city. I had that to look forward to, but as I thought about it, it made me realize what my life had become. It was spent living day after day, living for future things, instead of what was happening right then and there.

There was a point in my life, when I hated sitting at home alone like I am right now. It’s the reason I decided to take the first step to actually make my dream come true of doing wedding planning. I mentally scoff. How funny that wedding planning is the reason for my being home alone now. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job. But I missed my life before it, when I wasn’t so busy to hang out with friends, wasn’t too busy to go visit family on Christmas.

Alex knew it’d be like this. It was one of the reasons he didn’t want me to start doing it. I guess you could say that was the first sign of when things started going downhill. I remembered how he tried to talk me out of it, but I wasn’t going to budge.

“But then when I’m home, we won’t have a lot of time together because you’ll be working. That’s no fun.” Alex said when I told him I was thinking of applying as an assistant to a wedding planner in the city. “You could always come on tour with me.” I just sighed and didn’t press it any further.

The day I came home and told him that I applied and actually got the job, he blew a fuse.

“I can’t keep waiting at home for you. You’re on tour half the year. What am I supposed to do? Of course I took the damn job.” I yelled.

“But you don’t need a job! I do well enough to provide for the both of us!” Alex retorted.

“It’s not about the money, Alexander! It’s about the fact that I stay home, day after day, doing wh-what? Waiting by the phone, waiting for you to call? Waiting for you to come home from tour? That’s all I seem to do. Wait.”

“Then come on tour with me! You know Vinny could always use the help if you’re up for it. Or Matt could have you do something else.”

I shook my head. He just wasn’t getting it. “I can’t just live my life following my husband on tour. That’s your life, Alex. I need my own life, apart from you.”

“So what, you don’t want to be with me anymore?” He asked and his eyes were glaring at me.

“I never said that! Stop twisting my words! I just need to do something that doesn’t involve sitting my ass at home alone, day after day.”

“You go out with Lisa and Kara though!” he said like it would change anything.

“They have jobs, Alex! I see them maybe on the weekends, while during the week they’re working and I’m stuck here. Sorry if I wanted to do something with my life. You know how long I’ve waited for this opportunity.” My voice was quiet now. “You’re always on tour, but I never ask you to stop doing what you’re doing, what you love, to stay at home with me. This is your dream and I’ll be damned if I get in the way of it. I know how much it means to you, touring the world and playing your music. It’s what you love. So please, let me do what I love.” I pleaded. By now, tears were in my eyes.

Alex sighed as he reached up a hand to brush away the stray tear that ran down my cheek. “I’m sorry.” he said. “You’re right. You don’t complain about me being away. And I love you so much for that. I’m lucky you haven’t left me to be with someone with a stable job.” Alex chuckled and I weakly smiled. “I want you to do what you love. And I’m proud of you for getting that job.”

“Thank you.” I told him as I hugged him. I buried my head in his chest and he kissed my head. “And I don’t want someone with a stable job. That’s boring.” I mumbled. He laughed and hugged me tighter.

I thought things would be better after that, what with Alex accepting me working and such. But that was wishful thinking. Being an assistant was tiring work. You had to do whatever it took to get to the top, and I wanted to be there. I worked extra hours when Alex was on tour. I dealt with horrific brides while my boss dealt with the other details of weddings. It got to a point where I was taking any wedding I could, whenever I could. Even when Alex was home.

“You’re never here anymore.” Alex mumbled one day while I came home from work. I sighed as I slipped off my shoes and sat next to him on the couch. He kissed the top of my head, pulling me close to him.

“I know.” I said as I kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry. It’s just...I want to do good. I want to be good at what I do.” I looked down at my hands, fumbling with them in my lap. One of Alex’s hands squeezed my own while the other tilted my head up.

“You are good at what you do. And one day, you’ll be an amazing wedding planner. I guess we just have to deal with the not seeing each other that often part for a bit. Now I know how you felt when I was on tour and I missed your calls.” he chuckled softly.

I smiled weakly at him.

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll get through this.” Alex said and kissed me.

But even with those words, we both knew it had taken a toll on our relationship. Knew it was a matter of time before we reached our breaking point. And when that day came, there was no going back.