It's Not All What It Seems...

Today is no different from the other days where I wake up alone. Wanting to just waste away in bed, I fought the urge and got up to pull away the curtains from my window to let in the beaming sunshine through the panes of glass. I sighed heavily and walked to my bathroom to prepare for the tedious day ahead of me. It's not even because my job is tedious. I, again, have to put on a cheery mask when all I want to do is hide in a corner and cry until I pass out. Is it normal to feel as sad as I do, on a beautiful day like this? I got dressed in a fog that a hot shower couldn’t seem to shake me out of. It’s just hard to come to the realization of being alone once again, to learn you were lied to and the depressing part of that is you believed the lies all along. I trudged to my car and entered as I froze. I just feel like I shouldn’t go into work today.

As I walked to my office, I tried to avoid talking to people; especially Frank who had greeted me with a smile. I smiled back and hurriedly entered my office. I shut the door and sat at my desk. How can I shake myself of this sadness? I can’t let it consume my life again. I turned to the picture of Astrid which I always kept on my desk and smiled. The picture was taken on Christmas, she had on her favorite red dress. She would wear it to play Princess with her stuffed animals. I smiled at the reminiscence of my daughter. She would always play with her stuffed animals because I claimed to be too tired from school and work to play. I frowned as I let out a heavy sigh; one of my many regrets is not making enough time for my daughter. I didn’t need to feel this right now, on top of everything else that was occurring. I picked up the picture and ran my fingers gently over her innocent smile; knowing I could never see it in person again. Just as I went to sit down, I was jolted out of my sound thoughts by Joseph barging in my office.

“Do you know where Bert is?” Joseph questioned as he walked over to my desk and placed his hands on it.
I placed the picture down and looked up at his enraged expression. “I’m not sure..”
“He never checked in to work today! Lindsey, what did you do to my brother?!” Joseph bellowed as he belittled me with his blue eyes.
“I… I did nothing! Since when do you care about Bert’s well-being?” I said as I slammed my hands on my desk.
“I care! Who the fuck are you to ask me such a thing?!”
“I don’t know where Bert is so get the HELL out of my office!”
“Don’t talk to me that way, you fucking slut.”
I stood up out of my chair and looked him in the eyes. “Get. Out. Of. My. Office.”
“Pack your things, you’re out of here by the end of the week.” Joseph said bitterly, making sure to hurt me in some way.
“What?! What about Gerard? You can’t kill him!”
Joseph turned and folded his arms on his chest. “I can do whatever I please. But, you on the other hand, I’m on to your little fucked up scheme.”
“Scheme?” I reiterated in a muddled tone.
“You probably got rid my brother to get to Gerard. What doctor cares this much about a mentally retarded patient?”
“Gerard is not mentally retarded! Gerard is a smart, caring, and intelligent man and you’re not under any circumstances are you taking his life away.”
“So.. It’s true?”
“No, it’s not.” I said as I looked down at my desk to gather together my files. “Now, if you’d excuse me I have a job to do.”
“You’re gonna be out of a job soon, sweetheart.” Joseph said as he smirked deceitfully. “Unless..”
“Unless what, Joseph?”
“I didn’t hire you for your so-called ‘smarts’, Lindsey.” Joseph said charmingly as he walked over to me. “I hired you because I wanna be able to have a nice piece of ass when I want it. You understand? I like that you’re hard to get, man… It just makes me want you more.”
“You… Didn’t hire me to fix Gerard?” I said broken heartedly.
“Well.. It’s a bonus, I guess.” Joseph said as he chuckled. “Your seminar that day… You had on the tightest, shortest skirt. I just wanted your attention so bad.”
“I’m with your brother.”
“Well.. He thinks you’re a whore.”
“I don’t care, I’m with Bert. Case closed.”
“You would rather be fired then.. sleep with me?”
“Yes!” I said with a groan. “I made a commitment to Bert! Whether he’s… mad at me or not… I’m still holding true to that commitment.” I started to hear whimpering. I looked up bewilderedly and saw Joseph tearing.
“Am I really that bad of a person?” Joseph exclaimed as he looked at me. “You’d really rather be fired than sleep with me?! I may be rough around the edges but.. Inside I care.”
I looked at him as I picked up my files.
“My wife.. She’s divorcing me. My kids don’t even wanna see me anymore.. I just want to fill that void. Do you know what it’s like when the people who are supposed to love you hate you? Lindsey, forget this place. Bert will be in the army, and you can be with me.” Joseph said as he smiled. “I have the money so you won’t need to work-“
“Joseph.. I’m sorry. I’m committed to Bert. I love Bert. It’s not because of money or…because I’m desperate. I love him a lot.” I said as I tried to avoid making eye contact with him. Joseph stood in place for a few seconds then exited my office. I sighed and exited my office soon after he did. This day just kept getting worse and worse. I pulled out my phone to see if Bert called or messaged me but, just seeing no notifications on my screen really sunk my heart into my stomach.

[11:45 AM] Berty, where did you go? I miss you and I really need you here.

I really like getting texted first but, something’s up. I know it is. As soon as I saw my message had sent I put my phone in my pants pocket and paced to the end of the hallway.

“Hiya, Doc!” a familiar voice exclaimed.
I turned to see Frank running down the hallway with his suitcase in hand. I smiled and laughed. “Leaving me already?”
“Yeah.” He said as he smiled. “Can we talk before I leave?”
“Of course, anything for you.” I said as I smiled and walked downstairs to the outside courtyard. Frank put his suitcase down and sat on a bench. He smiled cheerfully as he patted the bench for me to sit with him. I blushed, it’s so hard to be upset around Frankie.
“So.. I saw ya this morning.” Frank said as he watched me sit down. “…Is something wrong?”
“I’m fine, Frankie.”
“How about a game?” Frank asked as he smiled his boyish smile.
“What game?” I said as I laughed.
“I’ll play the doctor and you play the patient.”
“Sure.” I said as I kept grinning.
“Now, what’s wrong, Lindsey?” Frank said as he turned to face me. “You didn’t say ‘Hi’ to me this morning… You actually looked like you’ve been crying.”
“I’m just having some issues..”
“Issues..?”
“Yeah.. Like at home and stuff. I’m trying to keep my personal and work life separate.”
“Lindsey… I told you everything there is to know about me. I feel like you should do the same.”
“It’s Bert.”
“What’d he do?” He asked as he rolled up his sleeves. “I think I can take him.”
“No, oh gosh, Frankie.” I said as I laughed. “It’s me.”
“What’d you do? I can take you too.”
I laughed then sighed. “Well.. I announced that I was pregnant to Bert.”
“And?”
“Yeah.. that’s it.”
“Pregnancy’s a great thing! Congratulations!” Frank said as he grabbed me into a tight hug. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
“Thanks” I said as I smiled and hugged him back. “I’m not sure yet..”
“How’d Bert take the news?”
“Uhm… Well, he seemed distraught. But he… He told me he wanted kids.”
“Oh..” Frank said as he sighed. “He left, didn’t he?”
I nodded slowly. “But, I think he left to like go do something. Like an errand. I don’t think he would.. leave for good.”
“Did he say he had to do something or… did he say he was leaving?” Frank asked as he wrapped his arm around me.
Feeling trapped, I got up abruptly and grabbed my papers. “I gotta go, Frankie.”
“Lindsey, why are-“

I hurriedly walked inside to get away from the bombarding questions. I needed to get out of there fast. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I’m crying? I walked to the room, trying not to make it evident that I was crying and laid my back against the wall. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I was crumbling by the minute and I couldn’t stop myself. I could no longer be the strong person that I was once familiar with. I wiped my eyes and turned to the door. I turned the knob and entered the room to find Gerard sitting by the window, drawing in his sketchpad that I had recently bought him to occupy his time. He glanced up and smiled.

“Hello, Miss Lindsey.”
“Hello.” I said as I smiled and walked in, trying to forget all that has upset me; to once again, put on the mask I had grown so accustomed to.