The Saints Can't Help Me Now

After a million hour plane ride, we arrive in California at 5AM. I get off of the plane feeling like shit. I’ve never been a fan of flying, and it was worse for me knowing that I was going to see Bam today. They drop me off at my house at 6, and order me to be back in the office at 12. I carry my bags up the stairs and open my door to see a happy German on the couch, watching TV waiting for my arrival.

She hears the door open and runs to the door like a dog, attacking me, causing me to fall down. “MY LIEBLING. YOU ARE THE LIVING. I missed you!” We laugh and get up, and she helps me bring my bags in. “You must tell me all of the things about your trip!”

“It was fun. I got drunk a lot. Steve-O was a dickhead a good portion of the time, but the rest of the crew was pleasant. I got my baby brother a wooden elephant toy and I got my mom a scarf. I know they would be pissed if they knew I went to India and didn’t get them anything.”

“Ah.” She looks down at her feet. I dig in my suitcase and pull out a bright orange pair of flats with Bollywood type detail. She squeals and gives me another hug. “You are the best of roommates!”

I smile. “Okay, get out of my room. I’m going to sleep for a few hours until I have to go meet my doom.”

“Good luck!” She happily walks out of my room with her new shoes on.

I wake up a few hours later not feeling the least bit refreshed, take a well overdue shower, feel a little more refreshed, and I make my way to the office. I cautiously enter and quickly walk to my cubicle. I take off my pink aviators and pull out my laptop. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing, but I’ll sure as hell pretend to do something.

I hear a knock and look over to see a sympathetic looking Steve-O standing outside my cube. “Can I come sit?” I nod. He grabs a chair from another cube and brings it inside mine. I turn around and keep pretending to do work as he talks. This is the first time since the incident that he’s talked to me. “Look, I’m sorry about the other day. I was just on edge and I needed a little time to myself.”

Without looking at him, I respond. “It’s all good Steve-O, no worries.” I was over it, but I felt like I couldn’t become close to him.

He spins my chair around so that I face him. “Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

He gets up. “Well good. And a heads up, we’re all meeting down the hall. Another heads up, Bam is in there. And one more heads up, he still doesn’t know you’re here.”

I sigh. “Thanks.”

He pats me on the back. “It’ll be fine. Walk in with me.”

I get up and walk in the room with Steve-O, seeing a lot of old faces, as well as new. No one notices, so I just sit down next to Johnny. Johnny looks over at me and smiles as he gives me a big hug. “I missed you darlin.” He lets go of me and stands up. “Hello boys, welcome to Jackass 2! Now first thing’s first, we have a new lady that’ll be behind the scenes. Some of you may already know her.” He grabs me and makes me stand. “This is Melinda Crowe, she’s a production assistant.”

Bam doesn’t react. He just sits there, acting as cool as ever. Does he even remember? I start to frown until I hear “MALLARD!!!” and am in the bottom of a dog pile by Ryan, Raab, Dico, and Novak. At least someone remembers me.