The Saints Can't Help Me Now

*Jeff’s Point of View*

I sit back at my desk and sip on my coffee, waiting for Johnny to come in so I can tell him what I would call very interesting news.

The door flies open. “What’s up chief!” Johnny sits on the side of his desk and poses like thinking man.

I take another sip of my coffee. “I hired someone today. She’s too perfect for words. Hopefully she gets the stick out of her ass and accepts my offer.”

“Is she hot?”

“Short, long brown hair, tan, nice ass.”

“So she’s hot?”

“If you’re into girls from West Chester, maybe.”

He looks intrigued. “West Chester? Please don’t tell me this is a crazed Bammy fan again.”

I laugh and sit my cup down. “Oh, I wouldn’t say that.”

“Does Bam know her you think?”

“Oh, her knows her alright.”

His eyes go wide and slams both hands on the desk. “NO SHIT.”

“I had the same reaction.”

“What was her name, Mini?”

“Apparently she goes by Milly now.”

“I’m surprised she even came.”

He smirks. “Jim brought her in. He met her at a skatepark and he’s boning her roommate who by the way, speaks horrible English. She had no idea who she was coming to see.”

“So, let me get this straight. Mini lives in LA, skateboards, has a non-english speaking roommate, came here not knowing who she was getting a job with, and she goes by Milly now?”

“She’s German, I think. But yeah, sums it up pretty good.”

“Hm, wow. Of the surprising shit that happens in this office Mini walks in.”

“Yup.”

“She’ll be back. She has to be curious of what the fuck goes around here.”

I nod my head. “Exactly.”

__________________________________________________________________________________
*Milly’s Point of View*

I slam my head on the counter of the bar. “Fuck.”

Frieda shoves my beer against my arm. “Drink more, do less of the worrying. The job has become yours, correct?”

I sit up and take a large swig. “If I accept it, yeah.”

“We should not be drinking for the worry, we should be drinking for the celebrating, ja?”

“Oh, Frieda. There’s a lot I haven’t told you about my past.”

She frowns. “Ja?”

“For example, I know Bam Margera.”

Her eyes go wide with excitement and she squeals. “I LOVE BAM.”

I roll my eyes. “Yes, I know.”

“How do you have the knowing?”

I chug the rest of my beer. “I used to fuck him.”

She looks shocked, looking at me and then looking down. “Oh. This was the before of knowing me, correct?”

“Correct-o Fried.”

She ponders on what I have told her while continuing to drink until Jimmy arrives.

Jimmy gives her a sweet kiss and whispers in her ear as he sits down and she giggles. He looks at me and I quickly shoot my gaze downward. “So, have you thought about the job?”

“Eh, not really.” I lied.

Frieda fails at whispering. “She is doing all of the thinking about it.” I glare at her and she gives me a sweet little giggle. “I have the apology, but it is truth! I speak of truth.”

“Yeah, I know.” I mumble under my breath.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I invited a few friends.”

“I enjoy the new meeting of friends!”

I shrug. “That’s cool.”

Not even a minute later comes a group of men that tackle Jimmy off his chair and cause Frieda to dive into a fit of laughter. I chuckle.

“Hey sexy ladies!” says the first man that I soon recognize as Steve-o. Oh no.

“Jim, you didn’t tell us the ladies were so preeeeeeetty.” Pontius continues.

“Holy shit, is that who I think it is?” I hear a voice I don’t want to hear. Soon hands wrap around me in a tight, squeezing hug. Oh no. He pulls away and I see that smile. Oh no. “How ya doin Mini?”

I jump off my stool and run into the bathroom, where I start profusely omitting everything from my stomach into the bathroom sink. Johnny Knoxville just hugged me, and called me Mini.

Fuck my life.