The Saints Can't Help Me Now

Frieda helps me pick things out as I pack for India, the first trip I get to take as an employee for Jackass. I had never left the country, so it was definitely exciting for me.

Frieda zips up my suitcase and frowns. “I will miss you.”

I smile. “Being with an American has really helped your English, Fried.”

“I am trying very hard. Jimmy said the words that he is proud of me.”

“So you and Jim and doing good?”

She grins very widely. “Yes, very good! I am teaching him German. It is the fun having.”

I look down and giggle. There’s my Fried. “That’s very nice, I’m happy for you.”

“I am happy for you as well, Milly. You have the luck, leaving the country for the working.”

“I guess I do have the luck.” Just as we finish, I hear a knock on the door.

I open my door to see my welcome wagon, Steve-O and Chris Pontius. They both welcome themselves in and Frieda giggles. She still gets a little star struck when she sees them, but she’s slowly getting used to it.

“What are you guys doing?”

“We are here to be your luggage carriers, because apparently you’re a girl and you pack a lot and you’re too small to lug your bags down the stairs by yourself.” Chris responds.

I narrow my eyes and huff. “Let me guess, Knoxville was trying to be helpful?”

“He wants the V.” Steve-o snickers.

I roll my eyes and collapse on my couch. “I know.” I grumble.

“Do him and us a favor… and go canoodle… before we leave… so I don’t have to… hear about it… when we get back.” Chris pauses in between words to breathe as he carries my apparently heavy suitcase out if my room.

I laugh and slap him on the back. He falls over. “Way to be in shape, bro.”

“I’m sorry I have tar in my lungs!”

“And by the way, Johnny and I have never had a thing. He just seems to want to, but doesn’t tell me? I don’t know.”

Steve-o grabs my other bag and brings it in the living room. Then, he sits on the couch and pats the spot next to him. I sit down and he wraps his arm around me. Oh boy. “Look, ever since his last relationship went to shit, he’s not good with this kind of thing. All you need to do is take him by surprise. Lock him in the office wearing no clothes, and suck the d. Then, he’ll know you want it too and you can bone peacefully, and he won’t be so damn annoying about you.”

I cover my face, and then look at him through my fingers. “That started out so nice, and then it just died. You just killed it without a warning.” Chris was no longer living. He was literally rolling on the floor laughing. “I have figured out the problem.”

Chris stops and looks at me. “What is that?”

“You are both stoned out of your minds.”

Steve-o smiles. “And that’s a problem, because?”