The Saints Can't Help Me Now

We make it back to the office and transfer my stuff from Steve-o’s car to a van. Jeff is waiting for us inside with a checklist that he quickly shoves my way, saying he can’t be bothered with that stupid shit. I pack up what I need in my cubicle and find a present in my desk drawer. Inside is a pair of pink aviators. I take them out and shut the desk drawer. I put them on and walk down the hall to find Johnny sleeping on the couch in his office. I sit on top of him and he jumps awake. I fall off and start laughing.

He sits up. “Oh shit! I’m sorry. He jumps up and picks me off the ground. “Are you okay?”

I laugh. “Yes, daddy I’m good.” He raises an eyebrow. “I’m referring to the fact that you sent the idiot crew to carry my bags for me, which I didn’t need. Thanks for the thought though, I guess.”

He scratches his head. “You’re just so tiny and there’s so many steps! I could picture you trying to carry a huge bag down the stairs and uh, dying. Yeah.”

I put a hand on his shoulder. “I’ve carried a full-size sofa up those stairs. I can handle it Johnny. It was sweet though. Also sweet.” I point to the aviators and then pull him into a hug. Outside the door I see Steve-O pass. He backs up, sticks his tongue out, and then starts humping the air. I flip him off and let go of Johnny. “SO, are you gonna miss me?”

“Well, since I have to go two weeks without someone to bug, yes I will. Calling me would be nice though. Or maybe, I’ll call you.”

“Doesn’t matter either way, I’ll be sure to talk to you.”

“Jackass 2 starts as soon as you guys get back. Get excited!” He shakes me by the shoulders. That means Bam. Bam means me being an emotional wreck.

I just smile and nod. I give him another hug and leave the office.

The crew all shoves the rest of the shit in the vans and we make our way to the airport.

Steve-O sits next to me and nudges me with his elbow. “So, did you take my advice? You looked pretty cozy in there!”

I roll my eyes and ignore him, staring into my cell phone. I didn’t have anything, but I wanted to look busy.

Jeff turns around in the front seat. “Who’s getting cozy?”

“JOHNNY AND MILLY AND DOING IT.” Chris yells loudly.

I try so hard to ignore them. Jeff scoffs. “They are not. Knoxville has a lady.”

I drop my phone. “Uhm, what?”

Jeff laughs. “They are so doing it.”

My face turns every shade of red you can think off. I cross my arms and sink into my seat. “We are not, and that was mean.”

“But you want to do it.” Steve-O adds.

I bury my face into my knees and yell out of frustration. “WHY DOES IT MATTER? IT’S MY RELATIONSHIP. I feel like a fucking teenager again.”

“Didn’t you bang Bam the whole time you were a teenager?” Jeff asks.

Steve-O purses his lips together. “Oooo, scandal.”

“No, he didn’t deem me worthy until I was 16.”

“That’s basically the whole time.” Jeff laughs.

“IS HE THE ONLY PERSON YOU’VE FUCKED?” Chris once again yells through the van.

“STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME PONTIUS.”

“I DO WHAT I WANT.”

“And no, he’s not. There have been guys before and after him.”

“You fucked someone when you were 15?”

I put my knees up to my chest. “I’m done with this conversation!”

Pontius laughs. “Hah, you were a slut!” I throw my shoe at him. “OW, THAT HURT SLUTTY PANTS.”

Steve-O decides to help. “If she was a slut, she wouldn’t wear pants.” I slap Steve-O in the back of the head.

“JEFF” Pontius yells, “SLUTTY NO PANTS IS BEING MEAN.”

I sigh. “It’s like working with elementary school kids I swear.”

Jeff just nods. “Welcome to my life.”