Stars, War and Love

With my mouth gaped everyone around me was celebrating. ‘Why me?’ I thought as Austin looked at me and noticed my surprise and simply said, “It’s because you’re the best, babe.” My gape turned into a smile and the next thing I knew I was being pulled into a group hug by the band. When it finally subsided I turned to Alex and gave him a questioning look.
“You and the boys have the best connection and although you all have fun it’s obvious that you’ll keep them in line. You were the fit needed.” Alex said with a grin. I smiled back and looked at Michael who was across the table and he was sporting his typical ‘I’m going to hide that I’m sad right now’ look.
“Aren’t you happy for me, loser?” I asked jokingly.
“I am. But, what am I going to do without you, dude? We’ve basically kept each other alive for so long. I dunno. It’s going to be something I’ll have to get used to.”
“You know I’m one phone call away and I’ll answer without hesitation. I wasn’t expecting this at all but, hell, it’s a huge honor that I definitely can’t turn down. Not to mention you have Mara! She can be the replacement me until I’m back from the tour.”
He gave me a weak smile and nodded, “I know, it just won’t be the same.” We hugged and left the conversation to be picked up another time because the next thing I knew Austin asked if we could talk.
“I’m so happy you’re coming with us! It sucked knowing that as soon as I got to know you that I would be leaving so soon but, now,” he paused. “It’s perfect.”
I giggled and nodded, “I’m happy too. It’s going to be the experience of a lifetime, that’s for sure.” Austin pulled me into a tight hug and we stood there close to one another just looking into each other’s eyes. We smiled at each other and finally I pulled away. Damn it, why do I always do this shit? That was the perfect opportunity to show Austin how I feel about him but, I fucking ruined it like I always do. Exasperated and excited all in one I hopped into my beaten down Chevy Prizim with Michael and we ventured back to the apartment. Epona, my beagle-basset hound mix greeted us at the door and I smiled at her.
“You wanna go for a walk, baby girl?” I cooed petting her long ears. She responded by grabbing the hanging leash from the table. I hooked her up and embarked on a much needed walk where I knew I would be over thinking everything. I knew I liked Austin. I knew I should be going for it but, I also know a lot about failure and its cousin disappointment. My parents always had a knack for engraving the fact that my siblings and I were worthless pieces of shit into our brains. It affected me so much as a teenager, always being the odd one out because I was considered a freak with the drunken parents. As soon as I moved out, the thought of myself being a failure seemed to dissipate. I made something out of myself. I have a career I love, I live with my best friend in a decent apartment and I’ve made some of the best friends I could’ve ever asked for in the short amount of time I’ve been here. So, why is it coming back now? Was it because I can’t get up the lady balls to tell Austin how I truly feel or because I feel like I’m letting down Michael for leaving him for the tour? Maybe it was because this really isn’t what I wanted and I’m just lying to myself. The feeling of self doubt and uselessness to figure out my own mind was also affecting me as it usually does. But, all I can do for right now is make the best out of my current situation because, in all honesty it’s the best situation I’ve been in in years.
I found myself back at the apartment where Michael was passed out on the couch. I giggled and went into my room with Epona close on my heels. I helped her up onto my bed and then quickly took off all my clothes. Not wanting to get dressed, I cuddled up under the blankets naked. Slowly but, surely I was casted off to dream land where I imagined how my life would’ve been if I didn’t take the chances I did by coming out here with Michael. If I never met Austin, Mara or the rest of Attack, Attack! All of this caused me to wake up in a cold sweat. Without that once chance I would be where I was as a teenager, suicidal and alone. I looked up at the ceiling and thanked everything that I am where I am. I may not be exactly where I want to be but, that doesn’t mean I should get depressed about it. Who knows what can happen. We are going on tour together. And with just that in my head all the negative thoughts were pushed away and I was allowed to get to sleep once again and this time I didn’t dream at all because I was living in a dream.