Love of Two is One

'Anger issues' was a familiar word to me. Tony had brought it up several times before, he had said that I should see a therapist, sort myself out and blah blah blah. But honestly though, I didn't have anger issues. I was just PMS'ing. All the time. I guess?

I felt bad for making Kellin upset. But I couldn't help it. He pushed it too far. Or, not really. But my parents was kind of a touchy topic and I absolutely hated talking about them. He couldn't know that though, we hadn't talked about my family at all. Except for my brother, Mike, of course. By now, I was fighting with myself mentally. My reasonable side against my stupid and selfish side. I shouldn't have flipped shit on Kellin, I've done that a lot lately, and I felt really fucking bad for it. There was nothing wrong with him, whatsoever. So why I kept snapping at him, I didn't really know. Maybe I have my man-period.

When we got home, I wasn't really in the mood for anything so I just went to bed, without saying a word to Kellin. I couldn't sleep though. I had gotten so used to holding Kellin in my arms, his head on my chest. I was so used to listening to his breathing as I fell asleep, and kissing his forehead or nose tip occasionally. I had simply just gotten used to having Kellin around. And he wasn't in bed with me now, and I couldn't help but feel a kind of empty-ness as I lied here alone. I sighed, got out of bed, and made my way to the livingroom, not bothering to put any clothes on. I walked over to the couch and saw Kellin lying there, his arms covered his face and he was shaking slightly. "Kellin?" I said quietly, and sat down at the end of the couch. Kellin immediatly stopped moving at all, I swear he even stopped breathing. After a couple of seconds with silence, he looked up at me and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah?" He muttered as he sat up. His face was tear stained and his eyes were bloodshot. I felt a wave of guilt wash through me. "Have you been crying?" I blurted out. Of course he had been crying. I mentally slapped myself for being...stupid, and scooped closer to Kellin. "I mean, ugh. I'm sorry, Kellin. I'm sorry that I keep getting angry at you for nothing in particular. I just...I don't know why, but I'm sorry." I was talking so fast, I could see that Kellin struggled with keeping up with what I said. When I was done rambling, he just nodded his head and looked down at his feet, tugging at the sleeves of his sweater. I felt so bad, I couldn't even put it into words. And I also had this familiar feeling in my stomach, a feeling of rejection. I suddenly felt insecure, and scared. What if he didn't want me anymore because I kept getting angry at him for such little things? I was this close to losing it, and I had to go. I couldn't get angry like that in front of Kellin again. See, now I was mainly just angry at myself for being angry. Which didn't quite make sense, but it did at the time. I muttered a quiet 'goodnight' before standing up and making my way to the bedroom. I was shaking with anger and self-hatred. "Fuck." I muttered the second I closed the door to my bedroom. "Fuck!" I repeated, a little louder this time. I paced around my bedroom, running my hands through my hair occasionally and spitting cuss words to myself. I groaned and punched the wall, hard. "Fuck!" I yelled again, as I felt the immediate pain shooting through my hand. I sighed loudly, and sat down on my bed, reminding myself that Kellin still was in my apartment and that he probably heard me yelling. "Good going, Vic." I muttered to myself sarcastically. I took deep breaths, counted to ten and lied down. I closed my eyes and tried thinking about happy things. I remember Mike had told me to do that whenever I couldn't sleep or was angry. 'Think about happy things, like puppies or whiskey.' He had said. I chuckled at the thought of my younger brother, and his undying love for whiskey as I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep.
I still couldn't sleep though. 'Happy things' to me was Kellin, but he was the reason I couldn't sleep in the first place. Or, I was the cause of all of this but hey, you get me. Thoughts of Kellin flooded my mind. I missed him. He was in my livingroom, I could get out of bed and walk out a door, and in another and I would be with him. But I missed him. I didn't want to lose him so soon. I wanted to be with him at all times. Especially at night, in my bed, when we were going to sleep. I groaned loudly and sat up in my bed, looking around my room. "I want you to open and reveal beautiful fucking Kellin." Great, I was now talking to a door. But it was like the God's heard me, or Satan, I couldn't be too sure. Because sure enough, there was a knock on my bedroom door. The door opened and that familiar oh-so-beautiful voice echoed through the room, "Can't sleep. Cuddle me." He pouted. I thanked the door mentally, not giving a fuck about how crazy that was, and chuckled as I made room for him in my bed. He lied down next to me, nearly on top of me in fact, and his lips met mine. Happiness shot through me and I grinned into the kiss. This boy made me so happy. "Im. So. Sorry." I said between kisses. Kellin shook his head and pecked my lips once more. "Don't be. It's okay." He muttered, and went to kiss my lips again. I pulled away though, no matter how much I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to say my apologies and make it all okay more. "No, it's not okay." I sighed. "I don't like being mad at you." I continued and kissed his cheek. "I'm so sorry." I took his hand and looked into his eyes. Kellin smiled shyly and looked down at our hands, then back up to my eyes. "I like you a lot, Kellin." I said softly and kissed his hand. For a second there I saw a hint of sadness in his eyes, but it left quickly enough and he blushed a deep pink as he threw his arms around my neck and crashed his lips to mine passionately. "I like you a lot, too." He whispered against my lips, and we kissed again. And again. And again. I would never get tired of his kisses.

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"Vic?" Kellin spoke, his voice muffled by the crook of my neck. We had been lying for what seemed like hours, doing nothing really but talking and cuddling. I hummed to show acknowledge as I played with his hair mindlessly. "What's the difference between like, like a lot and love? How do you like, know when you love someone?" His question caught me off guard, to be honest. I closed my eyes while I thought of how to answer his question. I searched my mind for any proper answer, but honestly, I didn't know. Since, I had never really loved anyone that way, I couldn't really know. I guess love was when you couldn't even go a couple of hours without a certain person, without missing them. When you thought about them more than you probably thought you should, and felt sparks at even the slightest touch. Like how I felt for Kellin, you could say. But did I love Kellin? Had I fallen in love with this strange boy, who followed me in the darkness one day and handed me a simple note? Maybe I had. Love is a strong word, though. Love is when you really do want to spend the rest of your life with someone. When you'd go out of your way to be with them. The idea of spending forever with Kellin was quite pleasant, more than that actually. I wouldn't want anyone else, not now, not ever.
The sound of Kellin clearing his throat snapped me out of my trance. He sat up slightly and looked at me, worry in his eyes. "Well, uh," I started, and pushed some of his hair out of his face. "I guess, uh," I continued. I still didn't quite know how to answer it. "I guess you just know, uh, you feel it. Like, yeah..." I trailed off, and looked down at Kellin's exposed torso. I was too scared to look him in the eyes. I don't really know what I was scared of, but I felt anxious, kind of. Kellin mouthed an 'o' and lied down, burying his head in the crook of my neck again. He muttered something I couldn't quite make out, due to the fact that his voice was muffled and low. "What?" I questioned awkwardly. He moved so he was now lying on my chest, and looked up at me. "I said," He took a deep breath and kissed my chest softly, "I think I love you, then." He continued quietly. I grinned widely at his words, butterflies erupted in my stomach and my whole body was tingling. So the feeling was mutual. "I love you too." I replied happily, and tilted his chin up to kiss him. "I love you. I love you. I. Love. You." I whispered between kisses, grinning like a maniac. I could feel Kellin smile into the kiss too. This was beyond perfect. I loved him.