Haunted by His Memory
How am I supposed to cope?
Weeks were spent at the hospital. Eventually Grace was released and able to go back to her home, but it no longer felt like home. The moment she made it back, the feeling of emptiness resonating throughout the house was a slap in the face. It was yet another reminder that her love was gone, never to return. It was enough to bring her to tears, and she spent her first night back at home crying herself to sleep on the sofa, curled up with one of Regie’s shirts. More days passed and Grace continued to lie around, crying at even the mention of Regie’s name. Couldn’t people see that this was killing her?
The day of the funeral finally arrived and Grace spent hours getting herself ready, though everyone in the family knew she was a mess. That was exactly why Regie’s family had agreed to postpone the services until Grace was feeling well enough to attend. It was one of the sweetest things his family had ever done for her. How was a person supposed to handle something this painful? She felt like she would break apart at any minute. On the ride to the funeral home, Grace was silent. During the procession, as people came up to hug her and offer their condolences, she was silent. Her mind was in a distant place and thoughts of Regie bounced around in every corner of it. His smile. The way he used to hug her. The fact that they would have had a baby. These thoughts haunted her and it took everything in her to keep from falling apart in front of everyone.
She slept on the couch that night, not daring to enter the bedroom, until finally there were no more tears to cry. She was finally empty. Rising from the couch, Grace walked slowly up the stairs, balancing on her walking cast as she made her way into the master bedroom. The air was stale and the room hadn’t been touched since the morning of the accident. It was time to go through Regie’s belongings. She supposed she would start with the closet, so that’s where she went first. Grace pushed the closet door open and stepped inside. Cologne. The smell of Regie was everywhere, still lingering on his many suit jackets and shirts. Her eyes locked onto his shoes, scattered all around the floor. She’d always asked him to clean things up, but he never had.
She was surrounded by his clothing, her subconscious fighting for control over the wall of sadness that threatened to overtake her body. No. For right now, she would be numb. Her fingers trailed along the many shirts and jackets hung on racks in front of her. One single tear rolled down her cheek, but pools of them threatened to spill over. Memories ran through her mind. There was the suit he’d worn to their wedding and it made her remember that day and how happy they both were, how he’d smiled and teared up when he saw her in her gown. Then there was the leather jacket she’d bought him for their first anniversary. She remembered how excited he was to wear that jacket and show it off to everyone. More tears ran down her cheeks but she made no sounds.
As she made her way through the closet, her foot brushed against something. There was a box on the floor, just barely visible beneath the piles of pants Regie had stacked up. Grace slid the box out of its hiding spot and sat down on the floor, reaching for one of his jackets and wrapping it around herself. Inside of the box were pictures, from the very beginning of their relationship until right before the accident. Their first date. Their first kiss. Their wedding. It was all documented in the pictures. Regie was smiling in all of them, and seeing his beautiful smile was enough to make Grace smile, just a little bit.
Grace curled up on the floor amidst the scattered pictures and wrapped herself up in Regie’s jacket, letting the rest of her tears fall. But she knew that he was up there. He was watching over her, and he wanted to see her happy again. It would hurt now, and maybe it would never stop hurting, and of course she would miss him and their child, but she would find a way to be happy again. Eventually. But for the time being, Grace simply laid there and cried, falling asleep clutching his jacket. Things would never be the same again.
The day of the funeral finally arrived and Grace spent hours getting herself ready, though everyone in the family knew she was a mess. That was exactly why Regie’s family had agreed to postpone the services until Grace was feeling well enough to attend. It was one of the sweetest things his family had ever done for her. How was a person supposed to handle something this painful? She felt like she would break apart at any minute. On the ride to the funeral home, Grace was silent. During the procession, as people came up to hug her and offer their condolences, she was silent. Her mind was in a distant place and thoughts of Regie bounced around in every corner of it. His smile. The way he used to hug her. The fact that they would have had a baby. These thoughts haunted her and it took everything in her to keep from falling apart in front of everyone.
She slept on the couch that night, not daring to enter the bedroom, until finally there were no more tears to cry. She was finally empty. Rising from the couch, Grace walked slowly up the stairs, balancing on her walking cast as she made her way into the master bedroom. The air was stale and the room hadn’t been touched since the morning of the accident. It was time to go through Regie’s belongings. She supposed she would start with the closet, so that’s where she went first. Grace pushed the closet door open and stepped inside. Cologne. The smell of Regie was everywhere, still lingering on his many suit jackets and shirts. Her eyes locked onto his shoes, scattered all around the floor. She’d always asked him to clean things up, but he never had.
She was surrounded by his clothing, her subconscious fighting for control over the wall of sadness that threatened to overtake her body. No. For right now, she would be numb. Her fingers trailed along the many shirts and jackets hung on racks in front of her. One single tear rolled down her cheek, but pools of them threatened to spill over. Memories ran through her mind. There was the suit he’d worn to their wedding and it made her remember that day and how happy they both were, how he’d smiled and teared up when he saw her in her gown. Then there was the leather jacket she’d bought him for their first anniversary. She remembered how excited he was to wear that jacket and show it off to everyone. More tears ran down her cheeks but she made no sounds.
As she made her way through the closet, her foot brushed against something. There was a box on the floor, just barely visible beneath the piles of pants Regie had stacked up. Grace slid the box out of its hiding spot and sat down on the floor, reaching for one of his jackets and wrapping it around herself. Inside of the box were pictures, from the very beginning of their relationship until right before the accident. Their first date. Their first kiss. Their wedding. It was all documented in the pictures. Regie was smiling in all of them, and seeing his beautiful smile was enough to make Grace smile, just a little bit.
Grace curled up on the floor amidst the scattered pictures and wrapped herself up in Regie’s jacket, letting the rest of her tears fall. But she knew that he was up there. He was watching over her, and he wanted to see her happy again. It would hurt now, and maybe it would never stop hurting, and of course she would miss him and their child, but she would find a way to be happy again. Eventually. But for the time being, Grace simply laid there and cried, falling asleep clutching his jacket. Things would never be the same again.