Abused

"Nad! Nadine! Do you hear me?" I think it sounds too much like a human. I don't care. That human is somewhere far away, yelling at someone. It sounds familiar. For a tiny moment I recognise that concerned voice. It's Nick. I try to open my eyes, but they feel so heavy and I fail. "Shit.. Open your eyes!" He tries again. I wish I could, I really do. I feel an arm wrapped around me. A strong arm. But it's somewhere far away. I slip back in the darkness.

I hear more cursing and the sound of footsteps. Someone has arrived. Maybe they are the same footsteps. I just don't remember where I have heard them before. For a tiny moment I manage to catch a negative feeling, but then I soon forget why I should feel negative about footsteps and the darkness covers everything.

There is really nothing. It's like the whole world was empty. Just me and an endless, dark and sad place. My eyes ache. Maybe I am crying. I don't know. I am too deep, under a heavy black veil that is covering only me. I hear more voices and bits and pieces of normal voices. Too normal.

"Nad!" It's so familiar, but yet too strange. I can't recognise it anymore. "Snap out of it." Out of what? Who? How? I feel so confused. Why can't I just lay here, on the floor, in the darkness? I am falling, why do they try to catch me? I hit my hand on the floor. Leave me be. Leave me. Let me go. I keep banging it on the floor. The pain brings me closer to the normal. It makes the darkness disappear. Someone grabs my hand and prevents me from hitting the floor. I cry out a 'no' and fail to continue.

"Fight it, you are stronger than it!" How can I fight something that is everywhere around me? It's all over the place, all over me. I mumble something, I just can't figure out what that is. I hear more voices, responding to me but I can't make out what they are saying. I feel something wrapped around me.

"Nad? Sweetie?" A new voice brings painful memories. I see a flash of blue, dark orbs and perfect visible love in those eyes. I know this person. I let out a whimper and hit my head against the floor, telling him that I want the darkness to go away. That I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to remember who he is. A hand stops my head before I can hit it on the floor again. I scream again, from frustration. I want to hurt myself to make the darkness go away. "It's dark", I manage to whisper.

I feel thumbs, caressing over my cheekbones. My eyes suddenly flicker open. I expect to see the person touching me. I expect to see Zak. But I am greeted by more darkness. "Fight it." Two empty words. I can't make out what they mean. Do they have a meaning?

A new voice comes to play. 'You are nothing'. That's what it says. 'You should be dead. They wouldn't miss you if you died'. They wouldn't miss me if I died. It's not fair, because I would miss them. If they wouldn't miss me, they can't love me. Maybe they never have.. they have never loved me. 'Kill yourself. Die. Make it easy for them'. The voice keeps whispering inside my head. Maybe I should really just.. Maybe I should be dead. I shouldn't be here. I try to hit my head on the floor again, but something soft stops it again. I scream in the darkness and try to squirm away, but there are strong hands, keeping me in place. 'They will kill you now. Kill them. Save yourself!'.

"No! Please.." I shout in the darkness. It's so empty. No one hears me. I am all alone. I calmly sit up and stare at the darkness. "Can you hear me? Talk to us!" I can hear you. "Where are you?" I breathe out and try to stand up, my hands reaching forward. I suddenly fall, but a pair of hands catches me. I am forced to lay down again. "I want to die", I whisper. "It told me to die.." I hear a firm voice, telling me that it's not what I want. I don't seem to have a free will so I believe it.

"Make it go away", I whisper. Make the darkness go away. "Fight this. You have to fight this, can you hear me?" The voice sounds angry. Why is it angry? What have I done? I try to move away, but I just can't. I can't move. I don't know where I am.

"Please.." My voice begs in the darkness. I hear conversation. Voices mixing with each other, creating blurry mixture of meaningless words. 'He doesn't love you anymore. Let him go. He deserves something better'. That is when I hear a whispered "I love you." It takes some time, maybe minutes for me to realise that those words were said to me. He loves ME. That person loves me. I mumble another no and start to fight.

I try to focus on the feeling of hands on my cheeks, or the arm wrapped around me. What is the name of this person who has his arm around me? I try to come up with a name. N-.. It's almost like.. Ni.. Nick! It's Nick. I whisper out his name. "Nick?" It sounds careful and scared. 'So weak'.. The voice keeps laughing at me. "I'm right here", Nick says.

I try to think about the eyes I could remember. The perfection of his face. The perfect shade of pink in his round and full lips. It brings me closer to the light and I squeeze my eyes shut. I hear a weird hiss. It sounds demonic but I am too close to care. I am close to the light.

"Open your eyes!" No. I don't want to. I want to keep the darkness away. There is only darkness, waiting for me when I open my eyes. Please. I don't want to. "Open your eyes". Another voice, gentler. I let my eyes flicker open.

Instead of the darkness I see faces. I recognise them. Where in the hell am I? Why Nick, Zak and Aaron are around me and why am I on the floor? I look and see that Nick still has his arm wrapped around me. Zak has his hands on my cheeks and he is just staring at me, whispering comforting things. The darkness gets closer again. I just feel it.

I burst out crying and reach out my hands. "Zak. Zak!" He hugs me tightly and I burst out crying out loud. "I am here, Nad. I am here", he says. It wanted me to kill myself. It told me that Zak doesn't love me.

It just can't be right. It just can't be.

I nuzzle my face against Zak's neck. The familiar scent of his cologne and heat of his skin help me to calm down. He rubs my back with his strong hand. "Nad, it's okay.. I'm here.. I'm right here..", he whispers and I grab fistful of his shirt. I don't want him to leave now. I don't want him to leave me here, alone in the darkness. I know something really bad would happen if he now just left. Maybe I would just.. Just die. And turn into one of them.. One of those creepy voices that kept whispering awful things.

"Let's get her out of here", Aaron mutters and heads towards the door of the dark room. They all have flashlights so I can see around in the dim light. It's unusual to use a flashlight during lockdowns, because they usually want to work in the darkness. Flashlights might make the spirits leave.

Zak takes my hand and wraps it around his strong shoulders. I still have Nick's arm wrapped around me. He helps me to stand up and soon Nick's hand is replaced with Zak's. "I've got you", he whispers and I nod. He's got me. He won't let me fall back in the darkness again. My whole body feels so weak. I feel absolutely exhausted, like after running too fast for too long. My breathing is heavy, visible. I am more afraid of the darkness than ever, and it sounds so comforting.. That I don't have to be here anymore.

My legs are shaking and walking seems to be a huge challenge. Now I understand why always paranormal investigators tell that the job can be dangerous. I mean, I was very unsure about all this in the beginning. I just thought that ghosts belong in the horror movies, but they can't be real. I was more afraid of the darkness. Or that's what I thought. Maybe I was unconsciously afraid of the spirits that live in the darkness. The evil ones. But then suddenly my life was surrounded by the paranormal. My mind was always a sceptic. I always wanted to find reasonable explanations for everything. Like, the night I saw a shadow figure in my hotel room I thought that maybe I was half asleep. But the scratches I got during our previous lockdown, they bothered me for so long because there was absolutely no explanation for them. But, to say the least, after this experience they feel like nothing. This is something so strong. I was thrown in the world of extreme paranormal when I wasn't maybe even ready for it. I wasn't ready to see and feel what I did.

I now understand why these experiences.. possessions.. live with you for a long time. I can't debunk this for not being paranormal. It was very extreme and very very paranormal. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear. I couldn't use my own body. It was like sitting in a car on the passenger's seat, but this time the car was my own body. Those awful voices are going to bother me for a long time. How can I ever sleep in the darkness when I KNOW what is there? When I know that the cause of those demonic voices is all around me, all around us in the air?

I soon notice that we are inside the nerve centre. Lights are on, and when I hear the familiar sound of door being shut and locked, I exhale loudly and sigh. It's over now. It's over. Whatever possessed me inside that house stays there. And I am going to stay here for the rest of the lockdown. For sure.

Aaron takes a chair and Zak gently helps me to sit. I just squeeze my eyes shut and let it all go. My body is still shaking wildly, unstoppable images of everything what just happened running trough my mind. The darkness, the evil, the loneliness.. All of that shit. It's just repeating all over and over again. I don't even register Zak's arms around me, or the inviting heat of his body. I just live trough the horrible experience again and again and again.

Zak tells me that it's gonna be alright. I know he's gone trough this same shit many times himself. He has been possessed several times, but they just don't use it for the show, because possessions are something pretty personal. It's very disturbing to watch it if you are the one who gets possessed.
And I very much understand and agree right now.

After some minutes the shaking goes down, and I am able to sit myself.

Nick offers me a bottle of water. I gratefully take it from his hand and flash him a small smile. "Are you feeling better?" he asks. They all still have a slightly concerned face, but after all, they are professionals. "Yeah.. thanks.." I say and open the bottle to take a sip of the water. It tastes good. Better than I remembered. Everything seems better than I remembered. When you go in the darkness, everything in the light seems ten times better than what you could even imagine in the darkness. The taste of water is so pure and so fresh.

I hear Zak's loud sigh and turn to face him. "Are you really okay, Nad?" he asks silently and rubs his face with his hand. Of course I'm not okay. But I just nod. In his eyes I can see understanding. He knows that I am not okay with this. "I just.. Please.. Is it okay if I don't.." I start and he nods. "You won't go inside that building again.." Then he just look at the guys around us. Nick takes a look at his clock. Aaron yawns.

"Do you think we could postpone the lockdown and finish it tomorrow?" Nick asks and Zak just nods. "Yeah, of course we can.. I think we all need to rest, especially Nad." Aaron just nods and I feel relieved. I don't have to go back in the darkness again.

Aaron starts to pack some of their equipment. Most of it will stay inside the house, because no one comes here. "Think I'll leave one of the X-cam rolling for the night", he mumbles. Maybe they will capture something. I hope. Because I feel really bad about this all. That they had to postpone the rest of their lockdown because of me.
**

I squeeze my pillow harder. The bed doesn't feel comforting like it usually does. When I go to sleep, I usually am able to let go of everything that has happened during that day and then I just close my eyes and fall asleep. And when I say that I have gone trough a lot of shit, believe me. When my dad has beaten the shit out of me, and I have cried until I have fallen asleep, the bed has been there to comfort me. And when I have been thrown on the street by my dad, I have always found a way to sleep. But right now, after what happened today, I just can't sleep. I can't close my eyes, because I am afraid that I will fall back into the darkness. That I when I open my eyes, I won't be able to see. That the same darkness surrounds me and I am only able to hear small bits and pieces of what is going on in here.

I know that whatever possessed me there has probably no trouble tagging along and following me around. I mean, something did follow me last time, because I had to escape in Zak's hotel room. But then it probably decided that I'm not worth following and gave up. But this one, this spirit possessed me. What if it follows me and decides not to let go?

Zak can't be there 24/7 protecting me. He needs some time for his own life, too. And, he can't completely protect me from something that we can't really even see. I have no idea if some of them are right now, right here, in this room around me and Zak. It makes me shiver and squeeze the pillow even harder. Calm down, Nadine.

I am grateful that there are lights outside, and cars passing by. The light is dim, but because of it, it's not pitch black in the hotel room. I am able to see around, not much, but still. I am afraid of everything. I have freaked out several times. Like, when a bottle fell from the table next to the bed, I freaked out. Really. Even though it had a reasonable explanation. The bottle was just too much on the edge of the table, so it was not paranormal.

I stare at the window. The red curtains look pretty much black in the dim light. The whole world seems to be asleep. Zak is asleep. He is not far away from me, but when we got here, he was just absolutely exhausted and fell asleep almost immediately. I should have been exhausted too. And, my body really was. But my mind is awake, prepared to fight against whatever might attack me. The horrible memories of everything that happened just repeat all over again. Just like in the nerve centre earlier. I don't know how I can go there again tomorrow. Even though this time I wont have to go inside the house, but it's still going to be bad enough. I mean, why couldn't spirits just go trough all the walls and stuff and possess me again in the nerve centre when they are all inside the house?

Or, what if they decide to do something worse this time? I could have been dangerous. I could have hurt Nick, or Aaron. Maybe even Zak. Maybe not physically because I am very small and Zak is so muscular, but.. words can hurt pretty badly, too.

I could have done something to myself. Without Zak's voice, telling me that I don't want to kill myself.. Maybe I would have done it, somehow. When that demonic voice told me that Zak doesn't love me, and that I am not needed in here anymore, I believed it. And I really wanted nothing more than I wanted to.. I wanted to die.

I look at Zak and make my decision. I crawl closer to him and gently shake his shoulder. "Zak..", I whisper in the darkness. "Zak!" I say and soon see his sleepy eyes. "Nad?" His voice sounds questioning and no wonder, he has been able to sleep only a couple of hours or so. "Zak.. I need to talk to you.." I whisper and squeeze my eyes shut. "Nad.. Now? In the night?" he sounds worried. "Yeah", I breathe out and look for his hand.

My voice suddenly starts to shake. My mind wants to hesitate. He is my boss, how could I- "Zak.. I think that.. Please try to.. I am sorry.." All I manage to mumble is blur of words. "Shhh.. Take it easy", Zak whispers and entwines our fingers in the darkness. His touch feels.. I can't even explain what it feels. I could have hurt him, I could have hurt this perfect human being next to me. If something happened to Zak, I would just die. I just couldn't live anymore. Because, he has become my life.

"Zak.. I think I shouldn't join.. I mean.. I think it's just that I need.. I need some time to figure this all out", I whisper and stare at the window. I expect him to be angry, I expect him to tell me that I can't do my job and that he'll find someone else who does not completely freak out after each possession. But he doesn't. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't even react to it in any way.

"Zak, please.. Say something", my voice sounds.. begging and desperate. "S'okay", he whispers and squeezes my hand. "Take the day off tomorrow.. and.. ", he starts. "Thanks", I mumble. I think it might take more than one day. It might take more. But I am not going to think about it now. I crawl closer and kiss his cheek. "Thank you", I whisper again. "For what?" he sounds confused. "For not being mad at me."