Abused

I feel the beat of my heart against my chest. My breathing is visible and loud. Somewhere I can hear their pleased laughter. Nice trap, you've caught me. Now what are you going to do with me? I don't even have to think about it, because of course I know. I can't think about. I don't want to. My heart beats weirdly, a way too fast. The sound of my blood in my veins is almost audible. Think, Nadine, think.

But the problem is: I don't have enough time to think. If this ends badly and I am alive in the morning, then I will regret this, for sure. Inside my head I beg and pray anything and everything. Just, please. I've just gotten my life back. I've just gotten a wonderful job, apartment, a friend and.. and Zak. I can't die now, I just can't. Shit. Then I tell my mind to shut the fuck up. Nobody is going to die today, maybe they just want to scare me a little bit and then let me go. Hell, I don't even trust in my own brain anymore.

I can't run at my home, because the car is blocking my way. It's a pretty big car and they could get out of it any moment. Besides, there are like six of them in the car, so if I escaped that way, they wouldn't have much trouble catching me. . On the other hand, I can't go back to the club because there is another car and they seem to be the same gang, so.. It's dangerous anyway. Because even though they are probably college guys, or something, and seem to be reasonable guys, they are just drunk as hell and.. Maybe they've even had something stronger. I mean.. You try many things when you are young.

I could try and run away from the street, but on my left there is a tiny park area, but I couldn't climb over the fence because of my shoes, and I don't have the time to get rid of them. So the only option is to.. I don't know.. Let them catch me and then escape. Maybe they'll hear what I have to say. Wow, how did my brain manage to go trough all this in less than ten seconds?

The phone keeps vibrating in my pocket and I walk towards the car, fast. Nadine, you'll just stay calm and pass the car, and maybe they will leave you be. The sound of my heels makes me even more nervous. I feel how my hands sweat. Keep calm, just focus on breathing. The worst thing you could do right now is to faint.

About three meters away from the car I hear someone open the door and jump on the road. I quicken my steps and almost run and pass the car. I sigh in relief when I can't hear anyone near me. And that's when I suddenly feel a pair of rough hands. They grab me and roughly press me against the car door. I try to scream but nothing comes out. I am just frozen, in shock. My mind goes into the panic mode and I can't think clearly anymore. Focus, Nadine. Look calm. No panic. No panic.

Shit shit shit shit!

"Where did'cha think you're going?" he asks. This man looks.. well.. drunk. He smells like sweat and beer, his clothes smell like smoke. I can't smell any cologne at all. He is pretty young, even though he is older than I expected, maybe in his early 30's. His hair is messy and he has a dark mustache.
He somehow makes me sick.

"Please, let go of me", I say and am pleased to hear my voice because it sounds ten times stronger than I am. He just smirks. "A bad-ass huh?" He asks and his friends burst out laughing. I try to squirm away, but he has a firm hold of my shirt. It seems to amuse him. He is of course a lot taller and stronger than I'm and he has so many friends around himself. I sigh and slap his hand, expecting him to take it off of my clothes. "Let me go", I say loudly, but can't help the fear from entering my voice.

He chuckles. "I don't think so", he just comments. Then he cages me between his strong body and the car door. I turn my head away, trying not to look at him, and prevent a sob. Please, let me go, let me go! He reaches out his hand and without permission pulls my phone out of my pocket. I shout a 'no', but he then just shushes me. His voice sounds blurry.

He clicks a button and looks at the caller ID. Please, be Laura. "Zak?" He asks and smirks, pointing at my phone with his finger. My eyes fill with horror. "Let go of my phone! Give it back!" I scream and try to steal my phone back, but he just hits me against the car. I release a sobbing breath. "Zak?" he repeats wit his drunk voice. "A boyfriend, huh?" he asks and shakes my phone in his hand. I don't react to it any way, and decide to change my technique. "He's going to kill you if you don't let me go immediately, you know?" I say, but he shushes me again. He brings his dirty finger to my lips and laughs. "No. Before he get's here, we won't be needing you anymore", he whispers and I can feel his breath against my skin. It sickens me. It doesn't make me shiver, like Zak's breathing always does.

"Besides.." he says, smirks and shows me my phone.. "He's no longer you boyfriend." I blink my eyes furiously. "What?" I shout and try to kick him. He just keeps laughing and presses a button. "See? You are such a bad girlfriend, you did not even answer the phone!" His friends keep laughing. What? "NO!" I scream and try to squirm away to get my phone back.

I always, ALWAYS answer when Zak calls me. I've never missed a call. He must be wondering why I didn't answer this time. And soon I can see the caller ID on the screen again. "He's clingy, huh?" this guy asks and hits the button again. "Doesn't he know that you're busy?"

I close my eyes. Maybe I am just asleep. We never went to the bar, I never met Laura in the train back to Vegas.. Or.. Maybe I even didn't leave Vegas at all. Maybe I just fell asleep in the night and did not wake Zak up, at all. It was all just a nightmare. Just a nightmare.

But his grip hurts my arms, and I just somehow know that this isn't a dream, this is the real life. And I have to survive this.

"Let's send him a text message, shall we?" He waves his hand at one of his friends, who then presses me against the car and takes both of my wrists in his hand. "NO!" I scream, but there's no one even nearby to hear my screams.

I look how he writes messages to my boyfriend and I can't help two tears that escape from the corner of my eye. "Aww, someone's really in love", one of his friends comments and then laughs. "Not anymore", the guy, who obviously is a leader of their gang, says. I hear the sound of text messages. I receive maybe ten, twelve messages. Then Zak tries to call me once, but because I can't answer, everything quiets down. "Let's add a nice goodbye", he says. "How about 'I don't want to see you ever again JERK?'" All I can do is to watch how a stranger brakes everything we have built with Zak. It all falls down, shatters into pieces. I release another sob.

This is not just right.

"Maybe you can have this back so they can identify your body in the morgue tomorrow." He then just puts the phone in my pocket. And that's when I see a police car in the corner of my eye.. If I could get their attention..

I suddenly close my eyes for a second and kick the guy in the stomach. He hisses and falls on the ground, wailing. I start to run and run and run. I hear the sound of footsteps somewhere behind, but I don't have the time to react. I just.. I just run for my life.

**
I just run. I can't look back, even though I can clearly hear someone right behind me. I am not sure if it's one of those awful men who tried to.. Who tried to rape and kill me some minutes ago. Or if it's just a normal person, who's jogging or something. They also hurt Zak. I can't even think about it. I haven't read the messages they sent to Zak, but I have an idea of what they probably wrote him.

I keep running. I can't stop. I can't let them catch me, or I'll die. Even though, what would it matter anymore? I've lost Laura somewhere, I just hope she's safe and fine. And Zak. I've lost him too. I've hurt him so deeply, even though it wasn't even me. I can't prevent myself from crying my eyes off.

Sobbing and running makes me exhausted but I can't stop. I can't pay any attention on the road, because my sight is so blurry because of all this crying. And that's why I can't notice a crack on the tarmac. My heel gets stuck, and I have to stop. My whole mind and body are still on panic mode. All I can think about is getting rid of the shoe and running more. Unfortunately, I have millions of straps in each shoe and it took me like five minutes to put them on. So I don't really have any other choice but to violently pull my ankle out of the fucking heel.

I try to be gentle, but I am panicking too much. My whole body is shaking, my hands and feet are sweating and my heart is beating like 300 times per minute. So I just squeeze my eyes shut and try to free my ankle of the complicated shoe.

I soon feel how the straps break, but not all of them. And hell, it hurt. But that's when I hear more sounds around me. To me they sound like male voices and my feet tell me to run for my life. And I completely forget the trapped heel and start running. But of course I wont get very far with a shoe like that. Instead, all the straps break but slow enough to wrench my ankle. I curse and try not to scream from pain. And soon the ground meets my arms and forehead. Ouch.

It's all going to look so bad tomorrow. Not exactly the way I imagined I would end up looking like after one night out. I crawl on the street, until I get back on my feet. My ankle feels sore and it hurts like hell. I can't even put any weight on it, but still I have to keep walking. So I basically try to jump with only one foot as fast as I can.

Only when I can see my home and I think they are not after me anymore, I slow down my desperate steps and try to catch my breath. Soon my heart starts to beat more normally and I have enough time to check the damage. And it looks pretty bad.

My arms are bleeding, both of them. There are some clear bruises, and some yellow ones. It's gonna look even worse tomorrow. I can't see my forehead without a mirror but I can tell that it hurts. So I am sure there will be a nice bruise, too. My left ankle hurts like hell, and I can't imagine anything better than a couch and a bag of ice right now. Maybe even painkillers. But oh fuck.. Then I remember all the shit I'll still need to deal with. Zak.

It takes me a lot of time to get to the door. I unlock it, and my hands are still shaking. I just won't allow myself to cry anymore, even though my mind keeps repeating all over and over what just happened. I could have been killed. I could have been raped. I could be dead by now, a lifeless corpse in the morgue. But fortunately, I'm not.

I just sit on the floor and shut the door behind me. Then I take off both of my heels and hit my fists on the wooden floor. It hurts, but I don't care. Nothing is worse than the true pain inside of me. The pain that probably now bothers Zak, too.

I think I have caused him too many problems during the past couple weeks. Really. I sigh loudly and tell myself to keep calm. I wont allow myself to cry because then I would probably be unable to stop anymore. But, I can't help releasing a sobbing breath I hadn't noticed holding and I can't stop my hands from shaking madly. My hands realise the seriousness of the situation.

I lay on my stomach on the cool wooden floor. It feels good, because my stomach is not bruised. I grab my phone and take a deep breath. 12 new messages. 12. That's exactly how serious it is. I can't even read them, even though I know I'll have to. But I just... Those messages are not for ME. They are Zak's reaction to those messages the idiot guys sent him. I haven't done anything. I just.. He thinks I did it. He believes I did it.

I just have to read the last one, at least.

"I never thought u'd fall only for my looks, and then insult me like this. I though u were an honest and nice girl who knew how to be herself. Obviously I was wrong. Maybe we just weren't meant to be, like you said yourself. I've never felt like this, and now it makes me wonder why didn't u say anything before.."

I can't read the rest of it. Instead, I just burst out crying hysterically. What did those guys tell him? I don't even want to know. Probably something really bad. It's just that if they insulted his looks.. That's a low blow, really. He's so worried about the way he looks like and.. I just.. I've missed him so badly. Is this how it has to end each time I learn to love someone?

I choose his number and hit the call button and then just pray that he has his phone somewhere nearby.

My heart beats fast, only three words keeps repeating themselves over and over again inside my head. Please pick up. I need to talk to you. Please. Please.

I hear maybe five loud beeps and then three faster beeps. My heart skips a beat. He didn't answer. He.. He.. He doesn't want to talk to me!

Maybe it was just an error or something. I just.. I don't know.. I have to try again, I just have to. I dial his number again and press the phone against my ear. My hand is sweating badly and it's almost hard to keep the phone against my ear. I hear loud beeps again. One.. Two.. And he hangs up again.

My mind goes numb and I feel like I'm about to collapse mentally any moment. I try once again but this time he turns his phone off. Wow. He really hates me right now. I could send him a text message and try to explain but he probably wouldn't read it. It's Zak we're talking about. When he's pissed, he really is pissed.

My body keeps shaking and I just let the phone slip from my hand and fall on the floor. Zak hates me. My Zak hates me now. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Does this mean that I've lost my job, too? But it's just unfair. I didn't do anything! I feel suddenly very angry and I my eyes burn. Even my tears are bitter. This is so wrong. It's so wrong. Phone is the most fucking annoying invention ever. If we lived in the 1900's, there would be no mobile phones like this one and we would be happily together with Zak. Maybe.

I feel like destroying my phone, but I decide that maybe I can't afford to destroy two phones during one month. Or actually I didn't destroy the previous one. It was.. It was Zak. I feel how more tears follow every memory of him.

And soon I just fall asleep. I fall trough the floor into a place of only darkness and nightmares. And inside my head I thank the alcohol that now helped me to pass out.

Inside my head I still keep screaming and crying. Zak. Where are you, Zak? I need you. I NEED you. I am not ready to let you go.

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and hope that maybe I don't have to wake up in the morning.