Abused

I woke up from the emptiness once. I didn't know what time it was. Or if it was just another dream.. If my brain was pretending that I was awake. But right now, I've fallen back in the darkness. In the emptiness. It's not like when I was possessed. That's when it felt like the whole world was empty. Right now it feels.. It feels different.

"Nadine!" I hear a screaming voice and squeeze my eyes shut tighter. It's not.. That's not a real voice. It's caused by the alcohol and my own emotions. Because that voice belongs to Laura. "No, Nadine! Please!" I am not sure where am I, but I seem to be invisible. It's like I was.. Like I was dead.

Laura is screaming. She is running like I did some moments.. Maybe hours, or days.. ago.. She is horrified. And she looks hurt. She is crying. I try to tell her that it's okay, I try to wrap my arms comfortingly around her but she doesn't react to it. It's like she couldn't see or hear me. At all. And it scares me even more. Am I really.. Am I dead? Did I just die earlier today? Could be. Oh shit.

Emotions change quickly. I feel.. Scared, shocked, horrified even.. Then again just calm... And then horrified. It's awful. The picture of my friend running, crying and screaming haunts me. It reminds me of myself. Laura keeps repeating weird sentences.. Like.. 'I am not worth of anything' or 'I just want to die', and it feels so unnatural. Maybe they are my own emotions, because that is probably how my mind felt after.. After.. I can't even think about it.

At least I know that it's a nightmare, because I can still feel something. I can feel the pain of my friend, the pain of what happened today. I can even feel the physical pain when my arms hit the floor. And it hurts.

I blink furiously and try to look around. Where am I? Where in the HELL am I? What day is it? Am I alive?

I look at myself. I don't have my shoes on anymore, so I must've taken them off last night. I soon notice a pair of black heels nearby. Great, they are broken. Then I remember and take a look at my ankle. It looks bruised, black almost. And it still hurts. Maybe I should see a doctor someday, when I decide to ever go outside my home again. But that's not today. I probably don't even have to show up at work ever again because I pissed off Zak even though I.. I just shake my head.

And that's when I decide that I have a terrible headache. Right, this is what happens when I drink. Even though I did not very much I did obviously drink enough to get a hangover. I sigh and sit up. My back and arms ache after sleeping on the floor for.. I don't even know how many hours. I came home around 1 am, maybe a bit earlier. Could have been later when I finally fell asleep, but.. However.

It's probably morning because it's not dark anymore. The sun is up and I can hear the sound of cars somewhere nearby. So it means that people are going to work right now. I rub my head with my hand and notice an aching bruise in my forehead. Great. It's not going to make me any prettier.

And that's when I feel like crying again. It just.. Those emotions just.. They just appear. Especially after drinking I feel super emotional. And after last night it's a miracle I haven't completely cried my eyes off. I did cry, but not as much as I expected I would. Mainly because I passed out before I had a chance. I just wrap my arms around my legs and hug my knees. I press my head against my knee and fight against bitter tears. I swallow thickly and squeeze my eyes shut. Be calm, Nadine. Be cal-..
And that's when I hear a knock.

Oh. My. God. Who the hell wants to bother me and my misery? Fuck it. I won't open the door. But that someone then just knocks very loudly again. The sound makes my head ache even more and I just stand up. "Fine.. Fine.. Fuck it.. Relax, I'm comin'", I mutter angrily and try to walk to the door, but my ankle hurts so much that it's hard to walk. If it's a mailman, I'm not gonna open the fucking door at all..

I have left a hoodie on the floor and almost trip. It causes more cursing and when I finally manage to get to the door, I am angry as hell. I have a small glass window in the door, so I can still see a silhouette of a person. Why didn't he just fucking give up and leave?

I hear two more knocks. "Fuck", I mumble and grab the door handle. Fuck it. Really. Then I try to unlock the door and after a time that feels like an hour, I succeed. I slowly open the door and lean on the doorframe. I try to stand with only one foot and still not to lose my balance and knock over the pers-..

I stare in confusion. Why is he here? "Nick?" I ask in disbelief. I try to sound angry but it sounds so weak.. Even in my own ears. His eyes widen in confusion and he gasps. So, that's exactly how pretty I look right now.

He just nods and then takes a step closer. "Nad?" He asks carefully. I squeeze my eyes shut painfully. It's Tuesday, why are they here now? "Are you.. Are you okay?" he asks and I nod, but he shakes his head, gesturing that he doesn't believe it.

We stare at each other in silence. I can't ask him.. I just don't feel like.. "So.. Why are you.. I mean.. here.. now?" He furrows his brows and looks confused. "What do you mean?" I look probably very shocked. "What.. What day is it?" I ask weakly. He takes another step closer. "Nad, are you sure you're fine?" I just nod and try to look as healthy as I can. "It's Wednesday.. And it's about eight in the morning..", he says and then takes a look at his watch. What the fuck? I have been out for more than a day??? It's not.. It's just not possible.. I mean.. Why.. Or.. What.. What the fuck?

"We were worried.. You didn't pick up your phone.. Tried callin' you several times 'n'..", he mumbles. Oh my gosh. Really? I must have been out for like 28 hours. How is that even possible?

We? Does that mean that.. I don't know if I should ask but.. And that's when I remember every smallest detail of what happened last night. And of course, I burst out crying. Nick looks a slight bit scared, but he just steps a bit closer and places his hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Nad, s'okay", he says comfortingly.

I accidentally take a step with my wrenched ankle and I can't prevent a silent whine that escapes behind my sealed lips. Nick just rubs my shoulder comfortingly. "Nick.." I whisper.. And that's when I realise that he said 'we'- "Nick", I say and look at him with my teary eyes. "Yeah?" he whispers. "Nick, where's Zak?" I ask and my heart starts to beat faster. It's now or never. I just NEED to see him.

I need him. I just.. I need Zak.

**
I squeeze my eyes shut. I need you Zak. Please, Nick, please don't tell me that.. Please, just.. I open my eyes and take a deep breath. Even though it felt like an hour, the time I used for this, Nick hasn't even responded me yet in any way. "He.." Nick sighs and stops. And it's driving me insane. "Where's he?" I ask. My voice sounds a slight bit angry, confused and very much desperate. "He's pissed, you know..", he whispers and looks at his feet. Pissed? "I.. Please.. I need to talk to him.." I mumble and stare at Nick's face. He won't meet my eyes and just nods silently. "He's also worried.. You didn't pick up the phone.. after.. after.. you know..", Nick mutters and finally meets my eyes. His eyes look.. sad.. and also a slight bit worried. Might be that they are not used to seeing me in such a state. Okay, I have to admit that I don't look like the prettiest girl alive right now, but..

"We took the first flight, but couldn't find any on Tuesday", he sighs. I furrow my brows. Why would they be that worried about me? I mean, Nick is Zak's best friend. He should be pissed, too. But he doesn't seem to be.. pissed.. at all. More like sad and confused. Hell, I am confusing. My mind is confusing. I can't think about anything else than Zak.

"Where's he?" I ask one last time and Nick shakes his head. "Right..", he mumbles and takes a look behind him. There it now comes. Zak has told me to fuck off and that he never ever wants to see me again. I prepare for it. I prepare hear those words. Hell. When we first met, me and Zak, it felt like nothing could come in between us. Nothing could brake what we built. And here we are, it's all shattered into millions of small pieces. But there's no way to fix this, is there? I thought.. Well, it was just childish to think that I could have a future with someone.. That someone would love me enough to stay. "He's in the car". I just nod and squeeze my eyes shut. There, you heard it Nadine, now you have to leave him alone and-.. Wait. What?

That's not the answer I was prepared to hear. I stare at Nick in confusion. Why did he.. Why would Zak come here? I mean, I am the one who needs to apologise. Not him. I just.. Let me.. Just.. "What?" It's all I manage to say. Nick is about to repeat what he just said, but I wave my hand, gesturing that I heard what he said. I just don't UNDERSTAND it. That's the problem. "I mean.. Why?" I mutter and look at my feet. Do I want to know it? "Do you want me to..?" Nick starts and I just nod. "Yeah.. Please.." And the fight agains tears starts again. I shouldn't cry this time. Zak is here. I am soon going to see him. And maybe we can figure something out. Just don't be too hopeful, Nadine.

Nick pats my shoulder gently and flashes me a very small smile. Then his hand is gone and I see him disappear somewhere in the yard. It's cool outside. It's still very yearly morning, but the sun is completely up. I used to love mornings like this. I should be happy and enjoy this beautiful moment, but I just can't. My chest aches. It's not physical pain. Not at all. It's more like a stone inside my heart. My heart.. My heart feels heavy. Maybe it has stopped beating. That's how bad it feels.

I take a deep breath. I need to look calm. I need to look like I am fine. I just have to. But.. When I hear too familiar footsteps somewhere nearby, of course I just can't be calm. My body immediately reacts to his presence, even though my eyes cannot see him yet. But my heart somehow feels him. My body shivers, and soon I feel a distant memory.. My skin remembers his gentle touch, his loving words.. And the stone in my chest.. The pain.. It almost disappears for a moment.

For maybe ten seconds I even think about shutting the door, because a silent voice inside my head tells me that I shouldn't meet him. That I am not ready to meet him yet. But hell, I just have to see him. I just.. Just have to. One more day and I'll lose my mind.

So I leave the door open and just stare at my bruised ankle, instead. Soon I see a shadow and hear loud footsteps. Even the sound of his footsteps makes me want to cry. Shit. He stops a meter away from me, and I can feel his hard stare. I squeeze my eyes shut painfully and prepare to meet his eyes. They must be angry. I am afraid that I can't see the love I used to see in the blue of his pure eyes. That now I can only see hate, instead of all that..

But when I meet his eyes, there's no hate. Instead, there is a feeling I am unable to recognise. It's something in between confusion, love, even a bit of anger and then just more confusion. "Zak", I breathe out his name, desperately, silently. He just stares at me in confusion. He doesn't know what to do.

He looks exhausted. He hasn't bothered to gel his hair, and he is wearing sweatpants and a baggy shirt. But it's my Zak, the Zak I've missed for the whole time. "Would you.. Maybe.. Come in?" I mumble and brake the silence. He blinks a few times, looks confused and then just nods. "Yeah.. Maybe that's the best..", he says and steps inside.

I slowly close the door after him and try to lean on the wall, because my ankle hurts too much. He runs his hand trough his black, natural hair once. It's something he does every time he is nervous. I just swallow loudly and take a deep breath. Now or never. Now he is going to say it. "Look.. Nad.. I'm sorry", he breathes out. "What?" I ask. Sorry? How could HE be sorry?! Why?

I burst out crying hysterically. It's stupid, I know. But this whole situation feels so surreal. It's just that.. There's really so little, separating me from him. And this little fucking thing prevents me from kissing him. It's something he thinks I did, even though I didn't even do it. "No.. I'm..", I mutter. He looks at me. "I just want to know.. Why?" He asks painfully. I just stare at him, I see his chest rise and fall, almost see the visibility of his heart beat trough his chest. "No.. I didn't do it", I say and keep sobbing. "You.. What?" He asks in disbelief. "It.. Just.. That.. It wasn't me..", I mumble, and don't expect him to believe a word I'm saying. I mean, why should he? It sounds so weird.

But, instead he steps a bit closer and looks at my eyes. His eyes look questioning. I give him an encouraging nod and he wraps his hands around me. And that's when I let myself cry. I allow myself to let it all out. All the pain that I've been hiding inside me for all this time. He brings me close to his chest. And I can smell the scent of his skin, the scent I have been missing. "It wasn't me.. They almost.. they.." I can't even say it. Zak brushes his hand very gently trough my hair. "I didn't send any of those messages", I keep explaining. He hums and whispers: "Let's talk when you feel better." And I couldn't agree more.

I press myself closer to him and whine silently. I thought I would never be allowed to do this again. That I would never be able to feel the heat of his body all around me, the scent of his skin in my nose, his hand in my hair. I reach my hand and touch his neck. He shivers and I feel hot lips against the skin of my neck. "I missed you", he says. "And I was worried." I release one last sob and then step a small step back only to pull him in for a kiss.

His lips feel hot against mine. His hands on my body feel amazing and it feels good to be close to him again. "I'm so sorry", I whisper. He then just smiles. "I thought it didn't sound like you.." He mumbles and buries his head in my hair. I sigh. "May I just ask you one thing?" I feel him nod. "Yeah.." "What did I send you?" I squeeze my eyes painfully shut. He doesn't react to it, just slides his hand down my back.

Was it that bad?