Abused

A sharp, cool blade against the sensitive hot skin of my stomach sends chills trough my trembling body. The fire in my eyes is gone. The fight in myself is gone. He presses the knife harder against my skin, drawing blood to the surface. I let out a whine and squeeze my eyes shut. "Please don't." I hear myself beg. Embarrassment covers my cheeks. I don't want to beg, not him. He stops for a moment and my eyes flicker open. He stares at the blood, dripping down my jeans in small red, tempting drops. He looks very confused at first and for a small moment I think that he might just get scared and stop. And let me go. Let me live. Let me have the years I still have left. His friend peeks over his shoulder and looks amused.

"Do you enjoy torturing others?" He breathes out those words. If the cut didn't hurt, I might give him a sarcastic retort, such as 'says a man with the knife', but I can't right now. The last thing you do when someone is about to kill you is that you annoy him more. That's a sure death. "You're wrong", I whisper. He shakes his head and moves the blade against untouched skin. He presses harder and I release a sound that sounds like an angry whimper. It hurt. Fuck. IT HURT. "What did you say?" he asks and raises both of his brows. I shake my head, refusing to take it back.

He chuckles. "You're stubborn, aren't you? A real fighter." I glare at him, when he moves the blade up my left arm. It stops against my throat and I swallow thickly. I can't breathe without hurting myself. It's so sharp- It hurts. My throat burns. I close my eyes. "A coward. You're being stupid", he huffs amusedly and the pressure on my throat releases and I inhale loudly. "You are.. " I am about to tell him a direct opinion about him, but a hard glare and the sight of knife, covered in blood stops me. He slides his fingers against my throat. "I am what?" He asks firmly. I shake my head a no. I can't say it. I don't want to. He slaps me hard in the face and I release a panicked sob. "I am a what?" he nearly shouts. "You're wrong", I mumble silently and prevent the tears that are about to fall. I can't cry. At least I have to be brave. Maybe he can't kill me. Maybe he can't really do it.

I bring my hand to my cheek. It's cold and it feels good against the burning, abused skin. I release another sob. "Aww, she's gonna cry!" He shouts and his friend chuckles. But I notice that his friend has started to look a slight bit hesitant. Maybe he wouldn't do it if..

My thoughts are interrupted by the feel of the metallic blade against my thigh. "No, please. Don't." I mumble. He releases a laugh and I can feel how his chest rises and falls in quick pace. I feel his warm breathing on my face and it makes me sick. I don't want to die like this. I don't. I won't. I refuse to die like this. He slides the knife against my thigh, covered with jean. "I could kill you right now. Right here.." He says. I look at him, my eyes begging him not to do it. "But this is too much fun", he breathes out and cuts a small cut in my thigh. It burns. All I can think about is that it burns. I see the red area in that thigh, but I can't look at it because it makes me light headed. The idea that he could cut me just like that, without even feeling bad, it makes me light headed. How can someone be that angry? That sick?

"Max.. Maybe we should go.. I think we've taught her a lesson", says his friend behind his shoulder. My heart beats faster. Please, listen to your friend. Please. Please. 'Max' looks confused. Hesitant. A small wave of relief goes trough my mind. He'll listen to his friend. He'll let me go.

Max turns his angry eyes on me and huffs. "Look at her. She's gonna remember this. She learned it." His friend continues. My heart is begging for his friend to continue, because it seems to be working. It seems to make Max stop.

"Please.. Listen to him..", I mumble in panic. And that's when I feel a burning sensation in my stomach. It hurts. My stomach is on fire. The pain is not unbearable at first, but then it just.. explodes and spreads. I gag and struggle to breathe. I hear his friend scream. "You idiot! You killed her! Fuck. FUCK. You killed her, man! You wanna be in the fucking jail for the rest of your life? Let's get the hell out of here and fast!" He shouts and runs away.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't make out what they just said, because of this new feeling that controls my life. My breathing is visible, uneven, heavy. My heart beats so fast that it hurts. Max just stands there, looks like he is in shock or something. And that's when I take a look at my stomach. And I see something red. Lots of it, dripping down my jeans, turning my jeans red.

My hand shakes as I bring it to my stomach, but I can't touch it because it hurts too much. I release a high pitched whimper and a sob, before I feel how my body just collapses against the wall. Everything gets blurry and I fall on the ground. My back hits the concrete. It feels soft compared to this new burning sensation that goes trough my whole body.

Wow. I never thought dying would feel like this. The world feels different. Strange. Have I ever lived here? Why? How? Was I a person? Because I can't really remember anything. I might have been an animal as well. A fucking mushroom. What's my name? I can't remember that either. It's all lost in the mixture of pain and confusion. Maybe even fear.

Two things keep repeating inside my head. It hurts. It burns. It bleeds. And I need to find Zak to tell him why I won't come home. Zak! Where are you? I don't remember anything else about my own life, my own self. I just remember.. I just remember Zak and home. I remember the softness of his hands when he touched me. I remember the tone of his voice when he was excited during lockdowns. I remember the special shade of blue in his eyes when they cracked open in the morning. I remember the scent of his hair and cologne. I hit my hand in the concrete. I am dying alone.

My nails scratch stones and sand. They crack and it should hurt, but it doesn't. This burning friction makes me crazy. I want it to stop, but there's nothing I can do. I am alone. I am drained. I am powerless. Dying.

My body trembles and in the corner of my eyes I see how something falls on the ground. Looks like a blade, covered in something red. Looks.. innocent. Yeah, innocent.

My eyes start to feel heavy and my heart starts to feel tired. Maybe I should rest a little bit. My head starts to throb and my lungs.. They can't breathe. I hear the sound of footsteps. Who..? Loud, familiar footsteps. My eyes try to flicker closed but I have this feeling. I have to stay awake and see. I have to watch. But I am going. I am somewhere far away, even though I am close. Am I still me? I am I still Nadine Greene? Or something else? I don't know. I try to move my fingers, but I fail. They feel frozen. They have gone to sleep. Just like my feet.

In the corner of my eye I see how a figure hits another. Together they crash, fall down on the dirty ground. They battle. I can make out the sound of their angry breathing. Shouting. Screaming. Pain. Burning. Crying. Blood. Throbbing. Fear. And love. It's Zak.

The bigger figure wins, the other lays on the ground, lifeless. Unconscious. Asleep. "Nadine!" A scream. A new tone I haven't heard before. A new meaning to that word.

Someone kneels in the dirt next to me. I try to look at him and tell that I am fine, just a little tired, but I can't open my mouth. My eyes flicker closed and I can't open them. "Shit..", I hear someone curse. I sigh. My lips feel sore but I hardly manage to move them. I try to say his name, but only a whine escapes my lips. There is so much I still need to say. I go trough it all inside my head. There is not much time. I have to go to sleep. But before that.. I have to say one thing. No. Two. Two sentences that mean more than any other sentence I've ever said in my whole life.

"Tha.." I start but my body trembles and my voice is stuck in my throat. My eyes flicker open and I see his hand on my stomach, another one in my hair. His eyes have a new shade. A dark, sad shade. I don't like it. I want to see the blue, the pure blue I used to know long ago. "Thanks", I manage to whisper with the strength I find when I stare at him. He looks at me and his hand caresses over my cheekbone. "Nadine", he whispers my name. It sounds soft. His voice is shaking. It sounds desperate. I miss you. I need you. I need you more than anything. I am so sorry that I ran away like that. I was stupid. But I can't say any of it.

A tear falls from the corner of my eye and mixes with blood on the concrete. He toucher my hair gently and whispers comforting things. He says it'll be alright. He says I am going to be just fine. That we can be together forever. That he'll never let anyone hurt me again. It reminds me of the day my dad abused me and he was here. He saved me, in a way. I recall his gentle touch and loving words. They give me the strength to say the thing I need desperately to tell him.

"I.." I swallow thickly and struggle to breathe. "I.. love.. you", I manage and try to smile, but my face has gone asleep. He blinks a few times and his voice trembles as he whispers: "I love you too, Nad. I love you too." Then I see something that looks like a tear on his cheek before everything goes black.

His last words keep echoing in my mind in the darkness. I love you too, Nad. I love you too.

**
I don't really remember anything. Life has become something that I used to have, but I am not sure about it anymore. Everything is light and easy, but there is this something, which is like a black and painful mass in my chest, telling me not to go, telling me not to leave this fucking pain behind. I don't have to do any normal stuff. I am not breathing, at least I don't think so. I can't open my eyes, but I don't have to. Besides, I am not even sure if they are open or closed. But one thing is for sure. It's dark. But it's not that scary type of darkness, it's more like an enjoyable darkness. Maybe I am asleep.

If I wanted to, I probably could just run and escape this all. But something forces me to stay here. I don't just know what that something is. Time has stopped and everything is still. This same moment has been going on for a time that feels like days. It's endless. Sometimes I hear these sobbing sounds and breaths, whispers in the darkness. But I know they are only small bits and pieces of what is going on. Sometimes I remember a familiar gentle touch and it brings me closer to the pain I am trying to avoid. It's a strong burning pain that has taken over everything. But as long as I am numb, as long as I don't see or hear or remember, then it's fine. But when my ears hear this familiar cry, I feel so guilty. A weird memory flashes in my mind. It's bloody and it's raw and it surely cannot be true. It has to be a nightmare.

"Come back to me, sweetie.. Please.." The voice begs. The voice I know but am still unable to recognise. It makes me feel guilty again and the emptiness feels even more empty. It's dark, should it be dark? I feel like screaming, but this place is somewhat enclosed. It doesn't exist where that voice does. It's a separate place somewhere in between everything. A horrible mental image makes me shiver. Am I.. Could it be.. that.. Did I just die?

For a small moment I feel that gentle hand on my cheekbone, but too soon it's gone and replaced with the feeling of guilt. The darkness in my chest is like an empty aching hole. Something is missing. Something I needed to survive. I try to recall those fingertips, how they caressed my cheekbone with love and care and hoe desperately the tone of his voice begged me to go back somewhere. I would if I could. But I can't. I don't know how. I am so fucking lost and it's making me frustrated. It's making me feel something I don't want to feel.

"Please, can you hear me?" Another desperate question. It's unfair. His voice sounds so lonely, as if he was as alone as I am right now. We are both all alone in different worlds, but we could have each other. We need to meet each other somewhere, but if I just stay here in the numb darkness, nothing will change and it will be this way forever. So I have to be the one who makes it different.

When I feel that hand on my neck, for a small moment I manage to see a tiny glimpse of light. It's day, isn't it? It shouldn't be dark. Something prevents me from seeing. Maybe I could.. I don't know.. I have to do something. Just something. I need to make this stop, but I can't. I am not strong enough to do anything. I am only able to hear him cry in silence. The light becomes stronger, and I am afraid to fall back in the darkness that used to be so comforting. I don't want to be like this anymore, because a silent voice in the back of my head tells me that now is the one and only chance to return. If I don't do it immediately, we'll stay this way forever. The wall built to separate us will be there forever, and I can only hear him cry on the other side.

I feel that hand caress my forehead gently and that's when I take a deep breath. It feels wrong, surreal. My lungs don't want the air, they try to make me stop. They burn and they feel so heavy, but that voice inside my head tells me that I did the right thing. And so I decide to do it again. This time it's more difficult and my breath sounds shuddering.

My eyes slowly flicker open and that's when I am able to see again. I see him cry. I see Zak cry. Tears fall down his cheeks in small paths, and he doesn't even bother to wipe them away. His eyes looks so dark that they are almost black. They have red rings and it makes me want to comfort him. It's so wrong. He shouldn't be crying. I release a sobbing breath, and he then looks at me. "Babe?" his voice sounds desperate. It's a confused mixture of everything. Hope, despair, lost, love and confusion. I take another breath, but I am unable to respond verbally. I am not strong enough. But the sight of him crying is hot and it makes me want to kiss him. Fuck, Nadine, you are obviously your own self again, because you can't think about anything else than his gorgeous face.

His fingertips dance along the line of my lips and I take another breath. "You're here", he whispers and I close my eyes in agreement. I am here, and I am not going to go away. Ever again. I just couldn't. I couldn't even die without him. That is exactly how much I need him, how much I love him. How deep and strong our love is. Even though, maybe I really wasn't even dying. But who knows and more importantly, WHO CARES?

A small smile on his face makes me release a whine. I want to touch him. I need to touch him. But I can't. He smiles widely and takes my hand. I can't really feel his hand in mine, but I see him entwine our fingers on the concrete. "I love you", he whispers and I only manage to let out a whimper. But at least I tried. I tried to tell him that I love him.

He rubs my hand with his finger and squeezes. "You have to stay awake.. Stay with me sweetie", he says and I blink my eyes twice to let him know that I understand.

This moment we share, this moment in time, is so strong and so intimate, even though it is painful. But it is still very beautiful, the two of us together. And it makes me feel even more connected to him. It is even stronger than the night when we had sex for the first, and for now, the only time. This moment makes me feel part of him. And this moment made me realise that I couldn't live without him. I couldn't die without him. We are one. We have to be.

He kisses my hand gently and I let out another whine. We are together now and forever. And I know it. I just know it. The moment is disturbed by the lights of something that looks like an ambulance. I don't need it now. All I need is Zak and his love. Stupid ambulance. Zak has already saved my life, he has already done something you couldn't do. And I am not going anywhere anymore because he saved me. Oh fuck, I hate ambulances.

**
Someone squeezes my hand gently and I feel my brows furrow. Where am I? My head feels numb, and my stomach hurts a slight bit, but otherwise everything seems just fine. It's noisy, though. There is this very much annoying beeping sound that keeps repeating all over and over again. And then there is this disturbing scent, no, more like a smell. It smells like too clean sheets and alcohol. Yuck, it smells like a fucking hospital. Wait. I blink my eyes furiously, and the room is too light. My eyes hurt and I close them quickly, mumbling a "fuck". I hear a muffled laughter and my eyes snap open.

Aaron squeezes my hand again and grins widely. "Mornin' sleeping beauty", he says and I try to bring my hand to my forehead to see if it's bruised, but it's stuck. I turn my head slightly to see an awful needle attached to my hand. I mentally curse and then turn my questioning eyes at Aaron. "What the fuck just happened?" I mutter, and my voice sounds like a whisper. He grins from ear to ear and then releases a huff. "You just woke up." I roll my eyes. "You know what I mean", I say and make a pouting face. He laughs happily again and then pats my shoulder. "You don't remember anything? Like, seriously Nad? You were almost fucking killed and you just go and forget it all", he says and rolls his eyes. I let out a huff. I was almost killed, huh? That's not true.

Then I remember something I assumed was just another nightmare. It was bloody and painful. But then I remember Zak. I stare at Aaron. "Aaron, where's.. Where's", I start, but I stop when I hear a snicker from the door. "Zak!" I say loudly when I see him lean on the doorframe. He looks just as hot as I remembered. I let out a small aw, because he was the first thing I really wanted to see when I woke up. There's nothing wrong with Aaron, he's my brother, but Zak.. He's just.. There are no words.

Zak moves loudly across the floor and then he pulls a chair and sits on it, right next to the hospital bed. I reach my hand to grab his, but because of the needle and Aaron holding my another hand, I don't really succeed. "Fuck hospitals", I mutter and he smirks. "I missed you", I whisper and then I feel his hand on my neck. He lets it rest there, right against my burning skin. I feel my quick pulse against his fingertips. For a small moment he closes his eyes, as if he was trying to remember something. His fingertips dance along the bruised neck, and for a tiny moment it looks like he tries to touch me to prove that I really am here, right now. And I am alive. A small whine escapes his lips with an exhale and then his eyes flicker open. For a small moment I see that sad, confused shade again. A shade I hate.

No, I don't hate it. There's nothing about him I actually could hate. No. But a shade that feels like it's not the shade of his eyes. The real shade of his eyes is pure, innocent, playful. Not sad and confused like this one. Aaron mutters something, but I have locked my eyes with Zak, so I can't look at him right now. Hell, I need to have one more eye in the back of my head. It would be useful. Weird, but useful.

I stare at Zak's eyes and he presses his soft lips against mine, kissing me passionately. The kiss makes me shiver, but first of all it convinces me that I really am alive. I let Aaron's hand slip from my own and I hungrily touch Zak's hair. It's not gelled and it feels soft, natural. His scent fills my nose. The scent of his cologne, skin, and Zak. The scent of his shower fresh hair and shampoo. I smirk and let out a small whine when he backs up a little. "Come back here", I mutter and he snickers, shaking his head a no. "Dick", I whisper and hear Aaron laugh somewhere behind my back.

He entwines our fingers and I squeeze his hand. "I missed you", he suddenly says and I just huff. "I missed you too", I answer. Hell, what else you could say in my situation? Nothing much. He laughs. "You were the one in deep blissful sleep for two days." I blink confusedly. Wait. What? "For.. Two days?" I ask in disbelief. He just nods. "We were worried. They had to perform a surgery and... They wouldn't tell us how you were doing, not until last night." He lets out an exhausted sigh. "We thought you were actually going to.. that you maybe.. wouldn't.." He starts and his strong body visibly trembles on the chair. He squeezes my hand again. "We thought that you were going to die. Nad, we thought we were going to lose you." He turns his painful eyes back to me, and I shush him. "But I'm here now", I whisper. I expect him to mutter that usual 'shut up', or at least roll his eyes, but instead he attacks my lips.

He bites my lower lip and I chuckle breathily. "Yeah, you are", he mumbles against my kiss-bruised lips. His hand squeezes mine firmly, and I hear Aaron mumble a 'get a room'. I roll my eyes. "This IS my room", I mutter and hear him chuckle. "Right."

Zak's long fingers touch my neck, and then my messy and dirty hair. I don't feel very beautiful at the moment, to say the least. Hell, what can you expect after being out for 48 hours, and right, after being stabbed? I don't really remember anything anymore, but it must have been a bad memory for Zak. All I really remember is the pain, the blood and him. All those three create a weird, messy combination inside my head. And I don't really want to think about it anymore. It's gone. Over.
And this time I couldn't agree more with my own mind.

I let his hand fall from my own and I see him furrow his brows. I just muffle a snicker, and then I place my hand on his shoulder. I let it explore on his chest for a small moment. Then I let my fingers dance along his muscles, and his chest. I hear and see him gasp. "I hate hospitals. I wanna go home", I mutter and leave my hand on his hip. He nods. "Tomorrow", he says. I shake my head. "No, I want to get the hell out of here today." I trace my hand over his belt. "Tomorrow, I promise.. They said it wouldn't be good to leave until-", I cut him off by playing with a kind of waistband of his jeans.
He inhales sharply. "I'm outta here guys. Bye", I hear Aaron mumble and then I hear him shut the door behind himself. I snicker devilishly.

"Tomorrow", he says and I shake my head. Stubborn. I slip my fingers against the skin of his lower stomach and he gasps. "Eeeew, your fingers are ice cold!" he complains. I roll my eyes and he shuts his eyes for a moment. "Okay. Today. IF they let you go", he finally relents. Yay. "If they let me go", I agree and pull him close for another kiss.