Abused

He'll leave you. He'll get weak. I'll drain him, until nothing is left. I'll kill him, before your eyes. You'll watch him die. You'll watch the life leave his body.

I release a frightened whimper, but I assume I am still asleep. This doesn't happen in real life. Only in the horrors of my dream world. But this isn't a dream. It's the same fucking nightmare.

Doesn't he mean anything at all to you? Does even life mean anything to you?

I try to open my eyes. What does that even mean? I.. This is so fucking confusing. It's a nightmare. Just a nightmare. But what is a nightmare? Are dreams real?

I hope you are happy when he's gone. Any day now.. Any day.. In a blink of an eye everything changes. In a short, barely noticeable moment in time, he'll be gone.

Another whimper. I can't answer my own question. Is this really happening? If so, why does this keep happening to me? Is it really going to happen? Even thinking about it hurts. Even the thought about life without Zak is painful. The physical chest pain makes my heart pound harder against my chest.

Before Poveglia he will be gone. Dead. Gone. And there's only one person to blame.

I try desperately to open my eyes but my lids feel heavy. I have to open my eyes. I have to know that this voice isn't real. It's just my own imagination. My own mind. It's not real. This is a nightmare. A bad dream. It's not true. It can't be.

You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You..

The deep, dark voice keeps repeating it endlessly. It blames me for something that surely cannot happen. I'd never hurt Zak. What is this? Am I just so afraid of Poveglia, partly unconsciously, that my mind wants to warn me? Or, maybe this is something else. No, shut up, Nadine. It's not. Shut up! It's just a bad dream. It's not true. It's not a spirit. It's not a.. Not a demon. No. It can't be.

That's when I open my eyes, cowered in a thick sticky layer of sweat. I want to scream. What is this throbbing in my head? I wipe some sweat from my forehead with the back of my left hand. No. It was just a dream. But a shiver goes trough me. And there's that bit of fear. I can't believe that. It was just a dream. I try to convince myself that no one is here with me. No has even been. Even Zak isn't here. It's just me. Me all alone. No one else. No demons, no spirits, no-..

That's when I hear a knock. A small, innocent knock. It's here. The demon. The spirit. A serial killer. Whatever that is. It's here. And it wants to kill me. Wait. When did I become this paranoid? It's probably just a natural sound. Maybe someone outside making a noise. I mean.. Great. I'm scared to death in my own apartment. And tomorrow I should be leaving. I should be ready for Poveglia. But I'm not. I'm so scared. At home. How can I ever possibly make it trough Poveglia? I sigh loudly, trying to calm my racing heart, still trying to convince myself that I'm all alone. No one else is here.

The knock echoes in the room for a few seconds, but I can't make out where it's coming from. It seems to come from every possible direction. The cause of that noise could be anywhere. It could be inside. It could be behind my window. It could be under my bed. It could be in the same bed with me. It could.. Shut up. It's not here. It's NOT. I wish Zak was here. But I have to have a life that's my own. I have to be able to sleep without him, to live without him for short periods of time. Then I figure out something. After the Poveglia these nightmares will stop. They'll have to. They'll just have to. Nothing is going to happen there. Zak is not going to get hurt, he's not going to die, he's going to be just fine. And then I'm not going to be afraid of this particular bad dream anymore. It's not gonna affect me the least bit after that investigation. Because I can't be afraid of the past.

I sigh of relief. That's it. Nothing bad. Nothing too bad at all. I turn to face the white ceiling and close my eyes. It was a bad dream. Just a bad dream. But I am still unable to fall asleep.

For the whole night I just keep repeating that sentence inside my mind like a mantra. Zak's going to be fine. If my mind is trying to make me paranoid, or trying to make me insane, then good job. Because as my eyes flicker open, I feel horrible. The light leaking trough the canvas of my curtains makes my eyes hurt slightly. I haven't slept at all. I just couldn't. Ugh. What an awful night. I was afraid that the pictures of cold, lifeless Zak would've filled my mind if I had fallen asleep. So I didn't. I had maybe slept an hour or two before waking up but that's all. And right now, I should be energetic enough to make it trough the long way to Italy. I take a look at the clock on the wall. Shit. It's past 8 am, and I'll really need to get up and get dressed now.

We'll drive with their van a few hundred miles, and then we'll fly to Italy. I sigh. Fly. Ew. But at least Zak's there with me. Today we'll sleep in a hostel of some kind, and our flight leaves tomorrow at 6 am. Tempting, isn't it? That I wont be able to sleep tonight, either. But then I decide it's worth it. This is my job. And this one particular job is my only life right now. And I fucking love all of it. I feel a bit happier, a smile crawling on my face as I slowly get up and stretch my feet.

The floor feels cold, but I hop across it to my bathroom. I go trough my normal morning routine. I brush my teeth, take a hot shower, try untangle my hair and then get dressed. I succeed, on time. I choose a long sleeved, casual white shirt and old black jeans. I'm so going to sleep for the whole time. Whole way to the hostel. I yawn lazily as I rush in the kitchen to get some coffee. I hate coffee. I really do. But it's a considerable option when I'm tired as hell. That'll keep me awake for a short period of time. I get my coffee ready, but it takes a lot of time because I move so slowly. As if I was on slow motion or something. Hell. I'll need to hurry the fuck up. I rush to get my stuff ready. Yeah, I haven't completely packed everything yet and.. I sigh. I'm late.

I drink my coffee, and make a face at the taste. Ew. Really. Why do some people drink this several times a day? My stomach makes a whale-like sound, but I just ignore it because I honestly don't have enough time to eat. I take my bag, stuff everything in my too full bag and that's about when I hear someone knock at the door. Three sharp, loud knocks. Zak. I smile as I run to answer the door.

I study his face for a moment. He, at least, looks happy and excited and.. alive. I shake my head in confusion. Of course he's alive. Why wouldn't he be? I almost feel like laughing at my own, stupid thoughts but then I decide not to. "Hey beautiful", he whispers and holds out his hand. I quickly grab his hand and pull him close for a small kiss. "Hi there handsome", I reply playfully. And suddenly, all of my fear disappears. He's not going to die. He's going to be here, with me. Together. His lips taste like coffee, and I make a face at him. He raises an eyebrow. "Eeeeew. You taste like coffee!" I narrow my eyes playfully at him. He chuckles. "Oh. Well. Just to inform, so do you." He grins and I can't help yawning. "Besides, it seems that you should get more coffee. We've a long day ahead of us." I just nod. "A long day for you, but a long day of sleeping at the back seat of a cozy van for me", I retort playfully and grab my bag. I turn off the lights and allow him to lead me outside.

It's a cool and fresh morning. It's obviously been raining last night. I see some branches, laying on the tarmac, and one of those falling from a tree could've caused that knock last night. I shake my head in disbelief. Why was I so upset because of it? I honestly don't know.

Nick's there, standing next to their van. He's obviously behind the wheel again. "Hey!" He says and waves at me happily. I nod with a bright smile. "Hi there!" He opens the door and sits on the driver's seat. Aaron's having the map duty, I assume. I throw my bag in the trunk and jump in the van. I lay on the seat and as Zak open the door and tries to sit, I just stick my tongue at him. "Hey, Nad, that aint fair!" He says and makes a pouting face. I just grin innocently. "No kiss no seat", I mutter. He laughs lightly and leans in to give me that kiss. I sigh against his soft lips and then move to give him enough space. As he gets his seatbelt on, I crawl closer to him and put my head on his inviting lap. I sigh at the familiar scent of his cologne and the heat of his body. He's mine. He's here. He's not going anywhere. I'm sure of it. But why am I so afraid all the time? I shouldn't be. There's no reason to be.

He smiles and pets my hair gently. "You can go to sleep. I'll wake you up when we stop for the first time", he says silently. "Damn sure I'll." He grins and I hear Aaron chuckle at my response. "Wow. Someone's a bit grumpy today", he states and laughs. I stick my tongue at him. "I think she needs caffeine", Nick says. "Yeah. Or otherwise we'll need to find a dog", Aaron replies. "A dog?" I mutter. "How's that gonna help me become less grumpy?" He chuckles. "It aint gonna but I'm gonna feed you to the dogs if you don't cheer up." I let out a giggle. "And that's a command." I open my left eye to glare at him. "Now you're being rude. Guess what we do to rude people?" I ask. He raises and eyebrow. "What's that?" I grin. "We feed them to angry demons. GAC style." He bursts out laughing, and I can feel Zak laugh, too. "You've got a badass girlfriend, Zak", Nick says and chuckles. Zak just huffs amusedly.

I nudge Zak's thigh with my head, playfully demanding for his attention. He chuckles and I can feel his cool hand on my neck. I sigh and finally close my eyes and fall asleep, on his lap, his hand touching me. I feel safe. There's this one thing he makes me feel. Home. Safe. Loved. Alive.

After a time I assume to be a couple of hours, I hear Aaron shout. "HEY. Nad! Get up, you lazy bum! We're at Starbucks to get you caffeine. Or you can choose the dogs if you wanna!" I open my eyes lazily. "Shut up", I mumble. "Aaaand release the hounds!" He chuckles. I roll my eyes and get up from Zak's lap. He smiles when our gazes meet. "Sorry that I fell asleep on you", I whisper. He huffs. "Babe, that's fine." His eyes have a loving glow in them and it's so beautiful that it almost makes my heart ache. He looks like a sex god again. If only we were alone.. I chuckle at my thoughts and shake my head. Quit it, Nadine. You're not alone. I still can't resist the urge to brush his lips gently with my thumb. He innocently grabs my wrist and kisses my palm passionately. "God", I whisper and he laughs against my skin. Then he takes my hand and leads me outside.

Nick decided to go get that damn coffee, because Zak and Aaron wouldn't stop complaining that their feet hurt and they wanted to walk a bit. Obviously it's been raining here, too, because there are puddles on the grass. I look around and notice Aaron somewhere nearby. He's staring at a large puddle on the grass. Next to it is an electricity pylon of some sort. And I very well notice that one of the power lines goes into the puddle, in the ground. Ouch. It'd be a death sentence to step in that puddle. And that's when I notice Zak on the other side of the puddle, eying it interestedly. Oh god. He's not going to-.. Is he? No. He-..

I watch in utmost horror how he turns his head to grin at Aaron, and how his feet stop touching the ground. My heart skips three beats in a row. His body bends slightly forward, ready to touch the grass on the other side of the puddle. I can't breathe- I can't breathe. His hands are reaching forward. He has an excited look on his face, adrenaline pumping trough his body. I take air in gulps when his feet touch the grass. But it's slippery. I watch in horror as he falls on his back like on slow motion. My heart stops beating and the next thing I know is that the world gets black and I'm lost in the demonic laughter.

You're on your own from now on. And it's your fault. Your fault.

**
It’s dark. It’s weird. And for some odd reason, it’s also hopeless. The world feels empty, and this all feels so familiar it sends a wave of horror and shock trough my body. I try to shake my head to make it go away, but I am paralysed. I can’t move. Am I breathing? I don’t know, not for sure. I guess so, because I shouldn’t be.. I shouldn’t be dead. The word dead makes my chest ache so powerfully. Why does that hurt so much? What has happened? Where am I?

Something must’ve hurt me really badly because my body kinda shuts completely down to protect itself. To protect me from braking into millions of tiny pieces. I feel very fragile. What has happened to make me feel that way? I try hard to remember.

Then, I see some pictures, flashing inside my head like a slide show. Zak. Zak kissing my hand. My smile. Zak opening the door, taking my hand and helping me out of the van. My laughter. Zak fighting with Nick about getting a coffee. The priceless, bitchy look on his face. My chuckle of amusement. And then..
Zak gazing towards Aaron on the other side of the puddle. The deadly water. My rapid heartbeat. Zak jumping over the puddle. My heart was quiet. Zak falling on his back. The demonic laughter responding to that. The dark voice. And then, nothing. Just darkness. And those words.

You’re on your own from now on. And it’s your fault. Your fault.

Have I.. Is it.. Could it be that.. I can’t say it. Not even inside my head. It feels like being shot in the heart. Twice. The burning pain makes my chest ache. No. I surely haven’t.. It didn’t.. A dream.. The laughter.. I.. Have I lost Zak? Did.. Did he die? I am sure I am not breathing because otherwise I’d be hyperventilating by now. Am I dead, too? If so, is this what happens when we die? But it’s so different. Not at all like the day I was stabbed. I would cry but I can’t. He was there, then, and saved my life. Why didn’t I save his? I have failed. It’s my fault. It’s my fault.

It was my coffee. Without that we wouldn’t have stopped. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have slept on his lap so he would have gone inside the cafe with Nick, because I made his feet tired. I should have said something. He probably hadn’t noticed that sign. The electricity. I killed him. I could have just grabbed a gun and done it. I could have. It’s the same result. The same way. A murder. I’m a murderer. I have destroyed my only reason to exist. Haven’t I? The demon got what it wanted. It got him dead. And for me, this is way worse than death. Alive, without him. Vulnerable. Hurt. Confused. Lost. Bleeding. Just.. Lonely. Hated.

I wish I could cry to make myself feel a bit better. But nothing comes out. Just silence. And I wait for it. The demon’s words. It should say.. ”I told you”, that’s what it should say. But I can’t hear what I’m waiting for. It’s absolutely silent.

Memories. Are they memories inside my head? His laughter, his smile, his eyes, his touch, his emotions. He didn’t even get an answer to the question. The answer he’s been looking for his whole life. What happens when we die? Do we become ghosts? Is he.. Now one of them? Is he.. evil? No. I shut those thoughts outside. If I am dead, then he surely isn’t here with me.

Or.. Where am I? I want to hurt myself. I want to kill myself. The demon told me. I should’ve died. If I had died, Zak would be alive now. He would forget me, find someone better and continue on. Now, he only does that inside my head. If I had committed a suicide, one of us would be alive. Because, without him, I can’t move on. I needed him. To breathe. To talk. To live.. To survive. And now, without him, I can’t do that. I can’t breathe, I can’t love, I can’t be alive. I have to die. I want to. Alone. But how can I, when I am shut in a dark world of my own? Did I just stop existing? No. I didn’t. That can’t happen. Just can’t. Insane. Have I just gone mad? Perhaps. That seems like a reasonable explanation.

I feel someone touch me. I hear a frustrated groan. A curse. The satan. The demon. It has come to drag me in the depths of hell. That’s where I belong. Where murderers belong. My murder weapon is my body. I killed him, without a gun. Without poison. Without a knife. But I still did. I did it. It was.. my fault.

”Don’t”, I manage to whimper with my last energy. I don’t want to go to hell. Is that even true? Does hell exist? Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe I will wander here for ever, as a ghost. And people will tell scary stories about a dark entity, haunting this place. People like..

”Zak? Nick? Aaron?” That’s when I hear Nick’s voice. It sounds soft. Worried. Am I alive, after all? ”I’m here, Nad. I’m right here.” Someone shakes my shoulder. He sounds concerned. He.. Zak.. Is.. Then I remember and freeze. I’m coming around. I don’t want to. I really want to stay where I just was. Am I going to face a cruel world without.. ”Zak?” I ask. My voice gives in and sounds vulnerable. So weak.

”Babe, I’m here”, he whispers gently. My heart suddenly beats again, and my lungs feel the air fill them. Fresh air. ”How..”, I mumble, but my voice gives in again. He’s not.. Is he.. Am I just imagining it? I saw him fall on his back, in the puddle. He shouldn’t be alive. He shouldn’t. ”Are you.. Not.. Gone?” I manage and Aaron chuckles. ”He’s got a bruise in his ass, but dead he aint.” I sigh and try to open my eyes. ”Am.. I.. Not a.. killer?” It sounds weird. ”Of course not”, Zak whispers. He, too, sounds concerned. ”How could you ever be a killer, Nad?” He asks. ”Can you open your eyes?”, I hear Nick ask. I suppose I could. I try and succeed. The daylight makes me confused. I am alive, but Zak’s there. What happened? Ugh.

A stone falls from my heart when I see him. His concerned blue eyes, his gorgeous face, his dark hair. ”I’m sorry”, I whisper. ”Nad.. Look here. Can you breathe fine, any pains or something?” Nick tries to ensure I’m fine. I convince him I’m perfectly okay. Just a bit dizzy and confused. ”What just happened?” I ask. ”You passed out”, Aaron replies with a chuckle. ”Just like that”, he says and claps his hands to prove his point. ”We were worried”, Zak whispers and touches my cheek gently. ”You were?” I reply and glare at him. He backs a bit because of my angry gaze. ”Nad?” He asks.

”Have you eaten today?” Nick continues, just like a good father or an older brother would. ”Yes-.. No. I haven’t.” Then I realise. I didn’t have breakfast. And Zak’s dumb stunt combined with hunger and exhaustion and that dream.. I shoot at him another glare.

”Can you sit up?” I nod and Nick helps me to sit up. And that’s when I turn at Aaron. ”How come he’s not.. well.. dead?” I ask. Aaron looks at me under his lashes. ”He’s a lucky bitch. He didn’t exactly fall in the puddle. Right next to it.” I release an agry groan. ”Hell.” Zak furrows his brows. ”What?” He looks confused.

I feel like screaming, but I just huff angrily. ”I’d just like to hit you.” And then next thing I notice, I’m standing up, ready to scream. ”Why?” He asks worriedly. ”You.. You just fucking don’t get it, do you? No. Do you?!” I scream and gesture with my hands that he shouldn’t answer.

”Think about it. Just think. Jesus, Zak! You almost killed yourself. Before my eyes! You’re my only reason to live. You just.. Why.. How.. Don’t you fucking think at all? Like, where’s your brain?” I scream in frustration. Then, suddenly I wrap my hands around myself and burst out crying hysterically.

His arms are around me then, wrapped around me. He shushes me comfortingly. ”I’m here, right here. I’m not leaving you. I’m not dead. I love you.” I hide a sob in his back. ”You.. If you had died, I would’ve killed myself”, I whisper. ”Don’t”, he says but I just nod. ”I would’ve. I wanted to. Zak.. I thought.. I thought I lost you.” He takes a deep breath. ”You didn’t. I’m here.” His voice is comforting, soft. I cry harder. ”You can’t.. Don’t do that, ever again. I can’t lose you. I just can’t. I need you”, I manage. Then he shushes me. ”I almost once lost you, Nad. I know how that feels. But.. I promise I’ll never do that again. Never.” I sigh of relief. ”Fuck you”, I mutter and he chuckles silently. ”And I love you so much it hurts”, I add and then he leans in, closer, to press his warm lips against my neck. ”I love you too.”

Now, where’s that demon? I’d like to have a word with him, and test out a bit of karate.