Abused

I look around in the darkness. The place feels eerie, creepy as hell. I’m afraid of every little sound. The wind, the water, everything. I don’t know why. I’m not the chicken-type of girl. But for some odd reason this place keeps giving me the chills. Zak’s been happy as a puppy, running all over the place with a smug grin. Like, fuck, is he suicidal or something? I roll my eyes.

It’s getting darker and darker. Soon it’ll be pitch black. To make this even creepier, the man who brought us here will leave us here without a boat. So there’s no escape. I feel like a prisoner who’s been locked here to die. But I really hope that I’m not going to die. I’m so young! Enough of shitty dramatic thoughts.

We’ve got about twenty X-cams all over the place. Some of them are outside, but most are inside all kinds of buildings. I haven’t even seen them all, because I didn’t want to go to the other side of the island without Zak.

I curse inside my head. Fucking Zak. Fucking blue puppy eyes. Fucking fuck. Really. I’m scared. And most of all, alone. No one is even nearby. If a demon attacked me, Zak couldn’t do shit. If my walkie talkie died, I’d be in a big trouble because our phones don’t really work here in Poveglia. I guess it has something to do with being isolated in here. I sigh.

The sorrow is here. I can feel it. It makes the hair of my hands stand. And, it makes me want to cry and scream. I don’t even need to use too much imagination to actually picture the island in the old days, to see the creepy doctors walking around here. I can almost smell corpses burning and it makes me want to barf. Disgusting. I can see the piles of corpses all over the place in my mind. Those people were brought here to die. They knew there would be no return to the normal world and life, ever. And the thought gives me the freaking chills so bad. I shake my head and walk a bit faster.

So, what am I doing, then? I was supposed to stay nice and safe with Zak. And I already told him that I wouldn’t step in the darkness without a flashlight. So, guess what he did? I got that damn flashlight, but he asked me to go by myself and investigate the ash field. Like, all alone. It’s fucking scary. If I hear something weird, it’s not gonna be Zak or Nick or Aaron because we’re all over the island right now. Zak’s in the old hospital building. Nick’s in a church or whatever it is. Aaron’s on an old bridge, trying to do a ghost box session. I haven’t spoken with any of the guys in like 20 minutes and I miss them already. I almost feel like taking out my walkie talkie and calling Zak to come and get me.

I turn on my digital recorder in hopes of catching some evidence. Since we’re here, in Poveglia, I might as well try to capture something, anything. But I’m not going to listen to this recording before I’ve returned to the base camp. ”Walking walking walking”, I mark. Sometimes it’s not hard to confuse normal sounds for an EVP, or a ghost voice. And we don’t want fake evidence for the show. So, we try to debunk everything before using it for the show.

”Okay..”, I whisper. I sound exhausted, a little out of breath. ”I’m Nadine.. I’m not gonna hurt you or anything. I’m a friend.” I don’t want any scary demons or angry spirits to attack me this time. ”Can you see this little red light in my hand? It’s a digital recorder, and if you speak, I can hear you with it”, I continue. I try to sound as calm as I can, because sometimes evil entities attack when they find a helpless, scared prey. And I’m not like that anymore. I’ve learned to trust myself as an investigator.

”Is there something you’d like to tell me?” My heart beats hard against my chest and the sounds of my blood rushing trough my veins is almost audible. ”Can you tell me your name?” Often I ask loads of stupid questions, just to see if I can capture an intelligent answer. ”Hey, is there anybody here?” I shout. My voice echoes around the place creepily. That’s when I capture a whisper. I don’t need the recorder. I can hear it with my own ears. I freeze and quit walking. I feel a bit more out of breath. And, there’s this awful feeling of someone watching you. A wave of disgust washes over me and for a moment I feel like running away or calling Zak to come and get me. This time my hand moves an inch towards my walkie talkie. But I tell myself to stop being a coward.

”Was that.. you.. Did you just make.. Whisper.. Did you make that sound?” my question doesn’t make sense at all. ”Just marking, I heard that whisper with my own ears.” I try to listen, but I can’t hear anything unusual. The wind blows trough the grass and trees. That’s the only sound, combined with my hard breathing. ”Wow.. This feeling is.. Just wow. Really. It’s really sad in here”, I whisper to my camera. I watch the field trough the LCD- screen with night vision. It’s about pitch black now and I can’t see anything. And there’s nothing here. Just trees and grass. ”Are you still here? With me? Is there something you’d like to share with me?” I keep asking my normal questions.

Nothing happens. The place is silent, and that makes it even creepier. It’s like a still night before a thunderstorm. I’m waiting for a fucking loud scream or a devil that’s gonna run trough my body or something. I laugh silently. ”That was me. My mind is being really fucking sarcastic today.” It’s kinda weird, talking to myself. I shake that feeling off and continue walking, hoping that I’m heading towards our meeting point.

”So.. You’re a spirit. Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you be gone already? Is there something that keeps you trapped here, or keeps you coming back here?” My questions start to sound like a normal chat. But there’s no one to talk to. I try to listen, but don’t capture an answer. It’s almost frustrating, because I almost feel that a spirit is walking with me, but just doesn’t bother to answer. ”Did.. I mean.. How did you die?” I almost feel embarrassed to ask that. I don’t know why. I blink a few times and stop for a second to listen. And that’s when I hear a loud groan.
I jump slightly and swallow hard. ”Marking this too. I just heard a fucking groan! And, it wasn’t the fucking wind or anything. It was a groan! Like, a human or something.” For a moment the idea of someone actually being here crosses my mind, but I tell myself it’s stupid. I’m all alone. No one’s here but the GAC team. I wish there was an X-cam somewhere so I could tell Billy what I’ve captured. I don’t feel like bothering Zak right now. He’s probably in the middle of something, an EVP or spirit box session.

”Did you make that noise? That groan?” It sounded so frustrated and angry. My head spins when I think about it. What if it’s demonic? Another idea crosses my mind. What if that spirit doesn’t understand me? ”Do you understand me?” I suppose the best way to find it out is to ask. ”I’m here to help. Tell me how. Are you hurt? Sick? Did your family throw you here to die? Are you one of those dead patients?” For a moment I can smell smoke. It feels so realistic I almost try to see fire somewhere, but of course I know it’s paranormal. There’s no fire here. But, I decide to check. I call Billy with my walkie talkie.

”Hey, Bil!” I call. He doesn’t reply right away. ”Yeah, Nad?” he sounds a bit surprised. ”Is there fire somewhere nearby? I can smell smoke.” He replies immediately. ”Negative. There’s no fire there.” I just nod. ”Right. Okay. Thanks! Bye.” He doesn’t get a chance to reply before I’ve already put the walkie talkie back in my bag. So, there’s no smoke. This has to be some kind of energy from the past. It’s quite interesting. The time doesn’t exist.

”Is that the smell of your dead body burning in a pile of corpses?” It sounds so rude, and I almost regret asking it. I assume I’ve upset the spirit because it remains silent. I keep walking and the smell of smoke disappears. ”Funny. The smoke is now gone. Like three feet away I could’ve sworn there was a fire nearby!” I rush a little bit because the place feels darker now and I can’t get rid of the mental image of corpses burning. And believe me, it isn’t a pretty image.

I continue my way trough the field. It’s said that the most of the soil in here is human ash and that also disgusts me. I wish I could fly so I didn’t need to touch the ground. The sound my shoes make does sound a bit different and I assume it’s due to the amount of ash in the ground. I huff. ”That was me”, I whisper. I keep walking, trying to walk across the field as fast as possible. I hate the idea of walking on something that has been humans some time ago. Or even worse, corpses. ”..was me..” I stop. ”What the hell?” I ask aloud. I could swear I just heard an intelligent whisper! ”So, I just heard a whisper. It sounded like ’it was me’”. I don’t want to stop to listen. I run across the field as quickly as possible.

I stare trough the screen, trying not to fall or trip. ”Fuck”, I mutter. Soon I have to stop to rest. Inside my head I pray that this thing isn’t after me. Seconds feel like hours as I stand here, waiting. My heart beat goes nuts, and I’m sure it’s coming trough my chest any moment. I try to focus on breathing, because I don’t need to faint right now. First of all, Zak and other guys aren’t exactly sure where I’m right now, and if this thing is negative energy, it could do something if I passed out just like that. I continue my way, walking this time, but I rush as much as possible. Nothing can be heard, it’s dead silent now. It makes this even creepier. I’m sure that spirit knows how to talk, and maybe even how to hurt someone. Or maybe I’m just so scared that I can’t think straight.

”Are you.. Are you still here with me?” I just try to do my job while escaping the best I can. I turn the camera towards me and film my face. ”I’m so out of breath right now. Phew. That really scared the shit outta me!” I laugh. ”Oh, and that was my laughter.” I then quickly turn the camera to see what’s around me. It’s pitch black and the night vision is my only eyes. I don’t see anything unusual, but Poveglia looks darker trough the screen, when everything is just shades of green and white. ”What did you just say? Did you confess something? What have you done? Did you hurt someone? Or did someone hurt you?” It’s very hard to say if that one sentence is intelligent or just a coincidence. It could be either. I need at least another sentence, or a word, to declare it intelligent. ”Did they burn your lifeless body here? Did you watch it become ash? Did they then throw it into an unmarked grave? They’ve forgotten you. They didn’t even care to know your name. And that pisses you off. Am I right?” Provoking works better than being nice. At least sometimes. And I need to test this. Even though it might be a bit dangerous to provoke the spirits here. I’ve no idea who’s here. And if they’re negative or positive. Or demons. A shiver goes trough me as I listen. 


”..let.. me..” I stop and try to hear it. Another whisper. My heart beats even harder. Am I going mad or something? Am I really hearing all this stuff? Usually we don’t get this much stuff in such a short amount of time. Wow. Scary. ”What did you say? Did you reply?” I squeeze the digital recorder in my sweaty fist. It feels slippery, and I feel slightly dizzy. ”I heard that whisper with my own ears, too. And now I’m feeling a bit dizzy, but it’s probably because I’m so much out of breath at the moment.” I try look around trough the screen. A part of me wishes to see a dark shadow or something, and the other part of me wishes to see only Poveglia and nothing more. I close my eyes for a second. ”Are you draining my energy? Is that what you need to do to talk?” Nothing happens. I don’t capture a reply. I can’t make out what that whisper said, but I just don’t want to listen to that recording yet. I want to be safe when I do it, because if I found a nasty surprise promise to kill me or something, I’d probably have a panic attack.

”Uh..” that’s all I manage. The world spins even more as I try to focus on walking. One foot. Then the other. Left foot. Good. Slowly. Then the right foot. Take a deep breath. Left foot. Move the right foot. Exhale.

I speak as I walk, trying to record my feelings. Sometimes our bodies can proof the paranormal better than the evidence we capture on our devices. In a away my body is also a device. ”I’m starting to feel.. I guess.. Like dizzy, out of breath. My heart beat’s really funny.. I suppose I’m just a bit freaked out.” I blink in confusion when I hear footsteps. Are they? Or is it just an animal or something similar? I stop. Those footsteps stop, too. Were they my own footsteps? ”Is someone here?” I whisper. I cough, trying to get my voice back. Then I hear something move in a bush nearby. I jump. ”What the hell?” I mutter aloud. Then I mentally face palm, because this’ll all make it to the show, I assume. ”What was that? I just heard.. A fucking weird noise.. Right there”, I film the bush, but it’s very still and silent right now. It could be an animal, but I’d probably capture the animal when it noticed me and escaped. But no animal comes out of the bush. ”Is someone there?” I repeat my question, regaining some of my confidence. Calm the fuck down, Nadine. It’s just an animal. Or the wind. Even though it’s now windy. Or a spirit. Or a psycho. Or a serial killer. Or a rapist. Or... ”Shut up!” I shout. Then I slap a hand on my mouth. ”Sorry.. I’m.. I.. I..” I don’t have an explanation for that one. It’s the fear, I suppose. I just freeze completely, shocked. I’m not getting possessed this time, right?

I decide to leave. I don’t really want to see that thing in the bush. It has possibly left, but as a spirit it’s invisible, so.. I just missed it. I shoot a glare at the fucking bush and then turn my back to it and get going. ”Weird. There was nothing in that bush..”, I whisper to my recorder nervously. ”It’s just my imagination.” And that’s about when a pain goes trough my head and my ears. I don’t really have enough words to describe it. It’s like a mixture of an ear infection and a bullet trough my head. I cover my left ear with my hand, trying to block it. I suppose this.. I don’t really know.. Just.. What the hell is this now? I feel a whimper leave my mouth, but it’s silent everywhere. It doesn’t make it from my lips. This is now getting a bit too extreme for me. If this is real, then I think I should call Zak. Or Nick. Anyone. I reach out my hand and grab my walkie talkie. I press a button, but don’t hear a comforting beep, telling me it’s calling to Zak. ”Zak. Zak!” I try to scream to the walkie talkie, but nothing comes out of my mouth. A weird thought crosses my mind. As if a spirit sent it to me, because it does feel very foreign. Maybe you are screaming.. But you just can’t hear it.

I freeze in shock. Could it be? I can hear everything just fine. I have to prove it. But nothing is audible. It’s dead silent. There’s no wind. Nothing. My hands and legs are shaking as I desperately try to make some noise. I kick the sand I’m walking on, but I can’t hear anything. No footsteps, nothing. I kick a rock, but that doesn’t make a sound, either. ”The hell is this!” I scream. My throat feels sore, but no voice comes out. ”Help me! Help!” I try to scream for help, but I can’t hear it. So I’m not sure if I’m screaming or not. I turn the camera to film myself. ”I cant talk”, I say without any voice, hoping that my lips are forming the right words.

The feeling of someone watching me fills my senses. Fuck this shit, really. It’s our first night here. We’ll spend two nights here. And I’m already fucked up. Really. How ironic. I made it alive even though we had to fly. I made it alive even though we had to get here. Even though I’ve had to walk in the darkness without Zak. And now this shit happens and tries to ruin everything? No. I’m not letting it. Nope. No way. Never. No. I’ll fight. I won’t be a coward. If I stop being afraid, it’ll let me go. A wave of utter determination washes trough my body and mind. ”Fuck you”, I whisper without a sound. ”Fuck you, you demon fucker. Let me go.” That drains me. I’m confused. I don’t know which way to walk, but I just try to run without any idea where to go. I have a feeling of being chased by something, but I can’t hear it. I’m deaf. Fuck. I try to focus. Get the hell out of my head and body, now. Stop draining me you piece of shit. Get out! Leave me be! Go. Go now and I won’t do anything. Otherwise I’ll get a Bible and some Holy Water. How do you like that, huh?
But nothing happens.

I stop at an old building. How weird. This shouldn’t be here. I was supposed to walk on the coast of the island. This is supposed to be in the middle of it. I just shrug and lean on the wall. That’s about when I see a tall figure approach me. It looks like a person. I turn and try to capture it on tape. It seems to get mad, because suddenly the battery of my camera just died. And it was a brand new battery. I curse inside my head. I’m screwed. I drop the camera in horror. My legs refuse to run as I tell them to. They’re frozen. My whole body is like an ice statue. I can’t do anything. I’ve lost all control over my own body. I try to breathe.

The figure gets even closer. I try to think, but my head is empty. It looks like a person, but not quite. It looks like.. I don’t know what it looks like. A bit like that shadow guy in my room when I escaped to Zak’s bedroom. A warm memory goes trough my body as I think about him. And I’m able to move a bit. I’m able to smile. The shadow seems to get a bit scared, as it backs off two feet. Then it just stays there, eyeing me in silence. Is this even paranormal? Can spirits be like that? It’s.. Looks so tangible. Real. Who is that? A real person or a dead person?

I try to tell it to go away, but I can’t. Is this.. this.. thing making me deaf? What the fuck. How can it be so strong? I try to lean back when it suddenly disappears into thin air. I sigh, and am able to move again.

I don’t hesitate to run. I run and run and run. And suddenly, I run into someone. ”Zak?” I move my lips, because I still am unable to hear. That someone is wearing a black jacket, a hood and black shoes. I can see a chain-type of necklace, too. Looks like a guy to me. I try to catch my breath, trying to remember which one of the guys is wearing this kind of clothes. I curse when I remember my camera. It’s somewhere, lost. All the evidence I’ve captured.. gone. But, at least I’ve still got the digital recorder.

The guy suddenly turns. As my back meets the ground, I’m able to hear something again. This is not a person. This is not alive. It’s a.. I don’t know what this is. But not alive. Not like me. Not Zak. It doesn’t really have a face. It’s just.. A full bodied apparition. But, I hit it. I touched it. It shouldn’t be possible! I should have run trough it! What the heck. Really! This shadow guy, who is probably the one I just met few moments ago, kneels next to me. Everything gets black then. I can’t see. I can’t hear. But, inside my mind I can see an image of a strange guy holding my hand. He looks a slight bit familiar. But I’m not sure. I don’t know. I’m too horrified to move. I wish I could call Zak, because this time it doesn’t feel like a possession anymore. It’s something else. Something more.

Shhhh. Don’t be scared. I don’t want to hurt you.. The words of the shadow guy make it to my head. I’m not really sure if I’m hearing them or if it’s just a thought. For a slight moment I can feel a hand touch mine.

You’re safe with me. Don’t be afraid, Nadine. It knows my name. That doesn’t really comfort me. It makes me want to scream. But I can’t.

Trust me. Nothing bad will happen. Nothing. Just trust me. I’m not going to hurt you. I don’t know what to think. This is just so unrealistic, not real.

Just.. Close your eyes, trust me. Go to sleep, dear. I feel a hand on my mouth, choking me. And I recognise that voice. His voice. The world explodes.

**
It feels almost like swimming in cold water. It doesn’t only surround me. It’s everywhere, everything. I can taste it in my mouth, smell it in my nose. It goes trough me and touches my heart. It blocks my eyes and all I can see is it. Everything is lost in a confusing, strange place. There is one feeling, a strong feeling, that I have been here before. This has happened to me before.

Light. Memories come to me and pull me from the darkness. I can’t feel the pain, but suddenly I fall from a tree. I can smell the fresh scent of leaves all around me. The grass.

Willows. I could remember my way even when walking backwards, blindfolded. I can just tell it by the scent, by the way I feel just being here, right now. I haven’t been here for so long. It’s beautiful. What am I doing here now? How did I get here?

I walk trough the fields of green grass. The sun is shining beautifully, warming my cold skin. I try to savour every sunbeam as I walk without any worries or problems. I try to look at myself, but I can’t. I can’t see any legs, nor arms. What have I become? What is happening?

For a moment hesitation forces me to stop. I freeze and my body refuses to move. This isn’t natural! This isn’t even real, Nadine. Be reasonable, you are only dreaming and something bad will happen if you just don’t wake up, right now and continue your life normally. The desire to wake up from this very weird, mysterious dream, the need to move and escape, grows stronger. So does the darkness telling me to stay.

Nadine. I hear the voice call out to me. It knows my name. It knows me. Flashes. Thoughts. I can’t escape them.

Child. Nadine. No harm will come to you. Just follow me, Nadine. The urge to do as told grows stronger. ”I’ll follow you”, I whisper without even thinking about it. After a second I squeal at those words that have now escaped my lips. How could I follow something that isn’t even real? How can I go somewhere when I’m nowhere myself? I don’t really know and every second spent here makes this places feel scarier and weirder. I want to get the hell out of here, now if possible.

”Let me go”, I say stubbornly. I hear a dark growl and suddenly am knocked onto the ground. The skin of my hands breaks and I mutter a curse silently. The dark laughter, however, doesn’t fade away.

Nadine, how can’t you see? Open your eyes. Open your eyes and just.. For a moment this weird voice hesitates. Just go to sleep My brows furrow involuntarily. I don’t want to do as told. How come did it say that no harm will come to me and just ten seconds later it knocked me over? What the hell? And secondly, how in the fuck am I supposed to open my eyes and go to sleep? How fucking contradictory is that?

I sigh, assuming that it would be good to open my eyes as I have closed them. My heart jumps when I realise that I’m no longer standing on the green field before my childhood home. I am elsewhere now. What is this place? I don’t know. I take a look around, then realising that again I have come to a memory of my childhood.

Water There is a stream. A beautiful, blue stream. I laugh. I remember how it used to sing! Me and my friend, my only friend, used to listen to it for hours, watching the little frogs jump in the warm water. This is how I spent my days when I was eight. I sit down and admire the forest around myself. It’s just magical! How great it is to be back.

Silence. Suddenly I hear a loud sound. Like a dry branch snapping or something. I try to listen as carefully as I can, but nothing more can be heard. I stand up slowly and look around. Nothing. I am surely alone. The dark voice I heard some time ago doesn’t show up, either. This has to be a dream, a sick and twisted production of my own crazy imagination. ”When I get out of here, I’m so going to spend the rest of my days in therapy”, I whisper and take a step towards the forest.

A woman. She walks and stops next to me. I stare at her in utter confusion. Why does she look so realistic, so tangible? I reach out my hand towards her and smile, love filling my heart. Of course I can’t remember the way she looks like, but I just.. I just know it’s her. I have seen that face in the only picture of her I have so many times that it’s there, somewhere in the back of my mind, all the time.

”Mum”, I whisper in shock. She just smiles at me brightly and brings a finger to her lips, telling me to be quiet. ”Nadine”, mum whispers and shakes her head, like not believing that I’m here. Another question. How can I be in the same forest with my mother, who died when I was just an hour or two old, unless.. ”Am I dead, mum?” I ask. She doesn’t react to it, but just keeps shaking her head in disbelief. ”Mum?”

You can’t escape me, Nadine. And, to add up my torture, those words leave my mother’s lips, but the voice belongs to this dark entity. ”Come to me, child. Let me sing you a lullaby, close your eyes and fall asleep, Nadine”, she whispers with the dark voice. Her eyes suddenly turn black. I gasp in fear. Pain shoots trough my head and I scream. ”Mum?” I ask in shock, staring at her as she bursts out laughing. Killer She whispers, still laughing madly. ”Are you fucking out of your fucking mind? The hell are you? A fucking demon fucker?” I’m screwed.

I run into the forest, hoping to mislead the entity, but it seems to follow me effortlessly. I can’t hear any footsteps but the voice of branches snapping gives away my follower. ”Go, but you can’t escape”, she whispers darkly and chuckles.

I run into a tree and everything gets black.

As I lay there, listening to my heartbeat, I pray that when I open my eyes, I am elsewhere, in Poveglia, with him. With.. I suddenly am unable to remember the name of the man I love more than myself. I curse and a dark snicker fills my senses. Oh god, not again! And you love him.. The voice says, amused. ”Bastard”, I mutter.

I open my eyes and am greeted by the sight of a cemetery. There are gravestones all over the place. I stand up and run in the opposite direction of where I just heard the dark voice. Suddenly, I stop as I see a familiar grave. The letters are beautiful handwriting. I read the simple text that says:

HERE LIES EVELINE LILY GREENE

In front of the gravestone, there is a brown letter. Go ahead, the voice says, as if approving that I can read it. I reach out and pick it up and then begin to read, aloud for some odd reason.

” Dear Eve,

I wish you could know how much I miss you. You were my life, my love and my hope for a better future, together with you. Even though everything seems hopeless and dark right now, the memory of you is almost enough to keep me alive, to keep me breathing.”

My heart beats hard as I recognise the handwriting and keep reading.

”I miss you so dearly, my love. I don’t have the words to comfort myself. You left me alone, with a newborn child. How am I supposed to know how to take care of her? You were the great mother and I don’t even know how to be a father. That is why I wish you had taken her with you to where you’ve gone.

I know I have done some greatly unforgivable things in life, but you were the only one to truly understand me and my mind. I apologise for being the person I was.

I wish I could follow you, but there is a responsibility keeping me here for the rest of my days.

To know that one day we will be together again comforts me. I am sorry. I love you. I wish you had told me earlier about your condition, the illness that has taken you from me. It was brave of you to still give birth to our daughter, even though we both knew it’d be your last challenge.

I love you. I need you.

P.S The child has your eyes.

Love,
Your husband”

I read the letter twice before I let it slip from my hands. What the hell does this now mean? This isn’t real. I can’t believe it. My entire body is shaking and I feel the panic attack that’s about to come. Calm down, Nadine. This is a dream. This isn’t real. Your mother died while giving birth to you. Your father beat her and is otherwise a horrible person. You hate him. Stop imagining these things.

Suddenly the ground underneath my feet disappears and I fall trough it. I scream when I hit the ground hard.

I slowly stand up, shaking and afraid of what is yet to come. I hear a strange voice, screams coming from a room nearby. ”Dont! Please, please. Let me go!” I swallow thickly and walk across the floor hesitantly, not really willing to open the door, even though my intuition tells me that it’s what I’m supposed to do right now.

I swing the door open and step inside. The room is empty. How could I hear that voice? It came from this very room, I’m certain about it. I stare at the white walls around me, wondering why this place looks so much familiar.

Suddenly, without any warning, the room is filled with screams and the walls are filled with pictures. Like tens of TV screens glued to the walls. But they all show different things. I notice some of them are my mother. Some of them are my father. My mum is running, and my dad is running after her with a broken bottle. It feels so real that I almost want to scream at her to run faster. In another screen he is hitting her. She has dark shadows underneath her eyes and I quail.

Then, I stop in front of a big screen. Recognition flashes trough my head. It’s me. I am laying on a bed, and it’s night. But, there is my dad as well, laying next to me. I’m 15, I remember this night so vividly. So greatly. It’s the night I comforted my dad in a way no daughter should ever need to comfort a father. Of course I now know what he used me. I still can’t say those words, because they make me feel so much ashamed. Raped you? the voice asks, amused. I grit my teeth angrily and walk towards the screen, hitting it with my fist. Watch it. Memorise it. Memorise these things he’s done to you. Remember it? I scream, wanting this sick torture to stop, but it just doesn’t. I can’t escape this voice. As my the screen breaks and my hand starts to bleed, the room sets on fire and soon I find myself in another place, again.

”Look, I’m sorry babes! It only happened once. Once! Please”, I hear a too familiar voice say. Oh no. I’m not going to open my eyes. I don’t want to. ”What the hell is this?” I scream, frustrated. ”I’ve gone trough this shit! Why can’t I let it go? I don’t need to remember any of this anymore. Let me go!” I accidentally open my eyes and see James, staring at me intensively. I scream but he doesn’t seem to notice me. He just keeps playing the scene.

”Babes! Fuck. What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry? I am, Nad! I am! Please don’t do this. Please. Please give me another chance. I need another chance. I..” he then sighs and looks away, ashamed. ”I had been drinking. I.. I didn’t even realise what happened.”

This is the night James and I broke up. James had.. Well, he betrayed my trust and then we fought and broke up. I don’t want to dig any deeper into the details and I try to leave the room, but soon come to notice that the door is locked.

”Fine, then. Have it your way. But I swear to you, I’m not letting this go so easily. If you had done this, I would’ve forgiven you, Nad. But no. You can’t do that because you are always so fucking perfect!” He screams and suddenly I feel my cheek sting. ”Shut up! And James didn’t slap me that night!” But then I doubt my words. Did he slap me?

Suddenly I hear a loud sound and as I turn, I see James laying on the floor, bleeding. He has a gun in his hand and I don’t need to think twice to realise this is the night he committed a suicide. I rush next to him and kneel on the floor. I hesitate to touch him, but when I do, I’m surprised to feel that his hand is still warm. Killer, the corpse whispers to me. I can’t breathe. My heart beats too hard. I am crying to much. This isn’t real. I’ve lost my mind. I’m becoming desperate. I want to.. I want this to stop, in any way. I just want this to stop.

”Take me elsewhere!” I scream next to James’ body. I close my eyes, and I feel someone push me. I squeeze my hands into balled fists, expecting to feel the ground soon but suddenly I feel a soft mattress underneath my tired body. I swallow thickly and open my eyes. What is this place? Why does it seem so familiar? It’s right there, I know this place but just can’t remember. No. Oh. This is the hotel room where I spotted the shadow guy for the first time. More pieces of the puzzle join together. I lay there, waiting for the shadow guy, but nothing happens.
Time passes. My heart beats. I try to focus solely on breathing and try not to fall asleep. Frustrated, I call the dark entity to show itself. ”Come on. I know you’re supposed to show up any moment. Do it now. I want to get the hell out of here”, I whisper, scared. Nothing happens. I groan of fear and squeeze my eyes shut.

The uncomfortable and awkward feeling of being stared at returns and I let my left eye flicker open, expecting to see the familiar shadow in the corner. However, nothing could have prepared me for what I now see. There is a perfect replica of my own self, staring darkly at me. The other me has black, demonic eyes, messy hair and white skin. I jump and try to back towards the wall, as far of it as possible. ”Impossible”, I whisper and try to keep breathing. Nadine. The dark voice addresses me again. Where is your friend, Nadine? Where? I bring my hands to my chest, trying too hard to breathe. Black dots appear everywhere and I know it’s due to the lack of oxygen.

”What happened to her!?” I hear myself scream. I close my eyes. This isn’t real. This is only my imagination. What isn’t real cannot harm me. This isn’t real. This is my imagination. This is a nightmare. I’ll soon wake up and nothing bad has ever happened to me.

I answer. ”She died.” I block away the memory of my only childhood friend drowning. ”I tried to save her!” I shout. This is what I’d consider to be the biggest trauma of my life. My best chilhdood friend drowned in a nearby lake when she was eleven. It was her idea to go to swim. I never did. But I tried to save her. I tried to tell her not to go there. But I ended up watching her die and being blamed for not saving her. The image of her lifeless corpse laying under a white sheet in front of me is burned to my memory. Killer this voice whispers. I remember my dad’s hand that hit me hard that night.

A force throws me against a wall. I am completely paralysed, a part of the wall. My hands are next to me, but I can’t move them. My feet are barely touching the ground. I can’t do anything. It’s like a weird messed up gravity holding me there. There’s a corridor. A familiar corridor. I hear a familiar laughter. The laughter I’ve missed in the darkness. His laughter. ”Zak!” I scream. He just walks past me without paying any attention to me. I realise I must be invisible to him.

”My god, Nick, she’s great!” He says, laughing at Nick, who is walking next to him. ”Yeah. She’s cool.” Zak slaps him playfully. ”I mean.. I’ve been trough some deep shit myself. She’s like the light. She always finds the words to comfort me. She’s so.. I don’t know. Pure?” he keeps talking so happily. ”Great to know that the Mrs. Bagans is so great”, Nick says and offers his friend a smile. ”Yeah. Speaking of her.. Lisa! Come ‘ere!” A blonde girl rushes towards him and wraps her hands around his neck. I refuse to watch them kiss but the sounds are enough to kill every hope inside me. Is this the future? Is this something that should or will happen? I don’t know. ”I want.. I..” I can’t say it.
What happened to the cat, Nadine? The voice suddenly asks, pulling me trough the wall. I notice a familiar street. What happened to the cat? I can’t answer that. I don’t want to. The pain in my chest has become unbearable, and I’d do anything to make it stop. Anything. I’d rather die than continue this.

I know what it’s talking about, now using James’ voice. First it used my dad’s. I refuse to think about it, which seems to annoy it. My guts annoy it. You killed that cat, Nadine. I scream of frustration. ”Did not!” I hear an amused dark laughter. Shall we go and see about it? It’s speaking of my pet cat. I had forgotten the door open and she had run outside. When I finally realised to go look for her outside, I found her dead. I did blame myself for that one. But then, I forgave. I didn’t kill her. It was the fate. Killer, the voice whispers again, now using Zak’s voice. It goest trough me, the pain and despair and suddenly I find myself crying and screaming. ”You win! Kill me. Kill me! I want to die. I need to die! Do it. I know it’s what we both want!”

But, I just hear a laughter. This is beyond description, Nadine. You can’t die. This is.. Worse than death. I feel a burning sensation that goes up my legs. It’s real physical pain. I open my eyes in horror and notice that my clothes are on fire.

Human mind is so easily destroyed. Once broken, it’ll never heal. I notice a dark lake nearby, and without hesitation run there. The water makes the pain go away and I sigh. The lack of pain feels like the greatest pleasure I’ve ever felt. The entity laughs at it, at me and then whispers. This is.. But I never get to hear it, because thousands of other voices fill the space around myself. Screams, moans, laughter. It’s so confusing that I just can’t resist the urge to dive for a small moment, praying that those voices aren’t audible under the water. I submerge completely, wondering if I should just drown myself. That’d make the pain go away.

The voices fade away but then I hear a new voice. ”I found her!” It’s so familiar, I’ve heard it before. It’s pulling me away from this horrible place and I burst out crying. ”Nick, she’s there! I found her!” I hear another voice. ”Thank God!” As I finally open my eyes, I realise I’m neck deep in freezing water, Zak and Nick shouting at me. My head goes under the water as I pass out.