You Can't Shake the Noise From Their Bones

ERIN'S POV:

'Alright, I'll be back tomorrow about seven, so if you'd like to keep my dinner in the oven, that'd be awesome,' Alex told me as the guys beeped the horn of the van waiting outside the house.

I leaned forward and kissed his lips lightly. 'I got it. Go already, before they have to drag you and shove you in the boot.'

Alex nodded and looked over my shoulder to Jasey, who was leaning against the wall, still inside the house. She briefly looked up, then down again and wrapped her arms tighter around herself. Alex sighed and I placed a hand on his cheek.

'She'll be okay. We'll talk, I promise.'

Alex looked down at me and nodded, before turning his attention back to Jasey. 'You be good, okay? Do whatever your mom says. Don't think just because I'm not here that-'

'Dad, YOU are the pushover, not mom,' Jasey said, rolling her eyes. She was trying to pretend like nobody knew what was going on. I didn't blame her.

Alex smiled, gave me a final kiss goodbye and jumped into the van with the rest of the band. I stood and waved them off until they were out the drive. Turning back toward the house I saw Jasey had already retreated into it, and so I made my way back and closed the door behind me.

'Jasey,' I called out.

'Here.' Her voice seemed to be coming from the kitchen. When I reached her, she was spreading peanut butter on some bread. Jasey looked over her shoulder and saw me. 'Hey mom, you want some? You know, before I eat the whole jar?'

I chuckled. 'You're just like your father. One time, he managed three jars in one day. One jar for every meal he'd say. God knows how he never gained a pound.'

Jasey shrugged, and shoved a spoonful of peanut butter in her mouth, before finishing up the sandwiches. 'You alright if I watch a DVD?'

'Sure.' It was weird of her to ask to watch one, normally she just took control of the TV anyway. I followed her out of the kitchen and sat on the couch with her. The opening titles of Peter Pan came on and I smiled to myself. Somehow Alex had brainwashed our daughter into an obsession with Disney and Peter Pan especially from a young age. She still had her blanket from Disney world all those years ago. It was at the point in the movie where Wendy is formally introduced to the Lost Boys that I decided it was time to confront Jasey.

'So, how's school?' Oh god. I didn't know how to start a conversation like this.

Jasey looked at me funny then returned her attention to the movie. 'What?'

'I was just wondering how school is. Are the teachers good? Any new friends? Any boys-'

'Mom, what is this?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean why are you suddenly so interested in my life?'

I furrowed my brow. 'I'm always interested. Your father and I care about you, we care about your life, we don't really talk and we figured, me and your dad, that we should start. Talking more, that is.'

Jasey laughed, but it wasn't a normal laugh. It was a cold laugh. 'I know what this is about. He told you, didn't he?'

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. 'What? Told me what? He hasn't told me anything.'

'Don't act stupid.'

'Jasey, I'm your mother, don't talk to me like that.'

Jasey turned to face me and there was a burning fire in her eyes. 'Then don't talk to me like I'm stupid. He told you. He told you about this.' And Jasey rolled up her sleeve and I saw for myself the ugly marks that had upset Alex so much. I just stared as Jasey grew more uncomfortable and eventually pulled her sleeve back down. 'He wasn't supposed to tell you,' she said quietly.

I bit my lip and shuffled a little closer to her, resting my hand on her arm. 'Of course he was. He's your dad. He loves you, so much, we both do. He needed to tell me so I could...well so we could try and help you through this. So that you know you can come to us, whatever the problem is. However big or small, we are here. You can talk to us.'

Jasey laughed sadly. 'Yeah right. You don't know how hard it is. I don't want to let you down, I don't want to disappoint you. I can't come running to you every time.'

I smiled and lifted her chin up. 'Yes you can. Because I do know what it's like.' I drew in a deep breath and pulled up my shirt to reveal my stomach, decorated in thin red lines. Jasey gasped and I moved my shirt back down after a while of her staring.

Jasey avoided my eyes and looked down at her hands.

I drew in another breath and collected my thoughts. 'They're faded now. But I don't think they'll ever really go away. They've been there for god knows how long. Since I was a couple years younger than you. But I met someone who made it better. Day by day I started to smile a little more and cry a little less. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was constantly on cloud nine, I had my days and when I did...boy they were bad days. Some nights I just sat in bed crying, trying to be quiet so nobody would hear. The nights your father must have heard me...well I couldn't count them on my two hands and feet. I felt awful, every day I woke up and I just thought get me through the day so I can go back to bed and be alone and cry and-'

'Is there a point to this? Because you're really not making me feel better.'

I cocked my head and smiled at my daughter, stroking her cheek. 'Yeah. The point is, it gets better. It really does. But it only gets better if you let it get better. You have to think to yourself, is this really getting me anywhere? Yeah it feels like a relief at first, you have power for the first time over where your misery comes from, it's a form of release, of control of your own life. But in the end, nobody gives you an award for it. You don't get anywhere. It doesn't solve anything. And after a while, you start looking at yourself in a different way. You start appreciating the little things in life. You have fun. You start to smile. You hate yourself a little less when you realise people really do love you. And it takes a while but you start to love yourself too. And then, over time, you stop, and you forget why you started in the first place.'

'Yeah right.'

'I know it seemed impossible now, but really, it does.' Jasey rolled her eyes and I continued. 'Do you remember when you were almost three? And I was in hospital for a little while?' Jasey shook her head. 'Well, it was after I'd had Noah, only he was a twin.'

Jasey looked at me weird. We'd never told either of them about Maria. 'What? He was a twin? What happened?'

I looked down at my hands, which I had now removed from Jasey's arm. 'The baby died. Maria, we called her. She was stillborn. I knew she had died, the doctor wanted me to get an abortion because there was something wrong, but I refused. So she died anyway. I didn't tell your father, he didn't know I knew til a little after. I went into depression. Alex was always out and I felt like I'd failed, I thought Noah hated me. It was post natal depression but I didn't get that at the time. It got so bad that one day...one day I got real mad at Noah for crying. Your dad was out, so I thought, perfect. Today is the day. I asked you to bring me the pills I took for sleep. You were only small, you didn't realise what was happening. I told you they were sweets. I took them all, I wanted to die.'

I looked up at Jasey, but she was looking away.

'Say something?'

Jasey struggled for words for a while. 'I-I just- I'm sorry.'

'What? Oh honey no, you have nothing to apologise for.'

'But I gave you the pills, I almost killed you.'

I stroked my daughters hair and pulled her close to me. 'No. I almost killed me. I was using you. It wasn't fair. And yeah, this really is not making you feel any better, but I'm telling you this so you can understand how bad of a place I was in. I was desperate to die. Part of me didn't want to leave, didn't wanna miss anything. But the other part, the part I should never have listened to, well that part told me I had no purpose here. Nobody would need me, they'd all be fine without me.'

'I wouldn't have. I need you,' Jasey told me, pushing closer to me, holding me a little tighter.

'I know, sweetie, I know. At least, I do now. But back then I couldn't have ever seen that you would need me. I couldn't see that I was wanted. All I saw was how much of a mess I was, how much I failed at my own life. I had nothing I was proud of, no individuality I could claim as mine. Everybody was just so much better than me.'

'How did you get through it? How do you keep going?'

I smiled as I thought. 'I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I guess I just started to see myself in a new light when I woke up. Your father was a huge help. There wasn't a minute that passed in which he didn't let me know how much I meant to him. The same with your uncles and aunts. They all surrounded me with so much love. They didn't even have to say explicitly the thins they wanted to, they just hung out with me when I needed someone. I was never alone. And somehow, I got here. Somehow, I started to realise that there was so much I would miss, it wasn't worth it. I was shutting everything good out. I'm glad I started to let it back in. It isn't easy, I still cry. But I never think of going down that old road. Not now I have you and Noah. I think back and thank god that I didn't end it. look at what I could have missed out on. I could never leave you, and I sure as hell don't want to lose you. I love you, Jasey, and I need you. I always will.'

Jasey was quiet for a little while before replying. 'I wasn't gonna kill myself, god. That's a bit of an overreaction.'

I sighed. 'Jasey, don't lie to me. Maybe you weren't planning it out like I used to, but I recognise the desire. I can see it in your eyes. Just one little thought, that's all it takes. And I know it's crossed your mind. I just need you to know that I'm here, and I need you to be here too.'

'Okay mom, I get it. I'm sorted. Look, happy bunny. Congratulations. You fixed me. I'm cured.' Jasey tore herself from my embrace and started to walk off.

I was shocked for a moment before standing and calling her back. 'Jasey! I don't want you to get angry or upset. I know that you won't be okay straight away, it'll take some time but-'

'No! I don't wanna hear it. I get it, I'm messed up. You don't like me like this. You want me to be someone else, you want me to be perfect and happy like I used to be. Well guess what? I'm not a little kid anymore. You can't just dress me up and make everything okay. It doesn't work like that. I'm a freak, I get it. You want me to go see a therapist or something, right? To sort my head out. Because I'm not supposed to feel this way, right? It's abnormal. You can't fix everything!'

'That's not what I'm trying to do. Jasey, I know it's hard. Didn't you just listen to everything I said? I've been through it. I know-'

'Yeah, I get it. But this isn't about you, it's about me. You actually have someone you can go to, someone who loves you. And I mean properly loves you. I don't. I'm alone. And I guess that's down to you, so thanks for the shitty genes mom, really. I appreciate it. Now I'd like to take myself and my messed up brain out so I can go try and digest the crap you just threw at me. Who the hell doesn't tell their husband about their kid dying anyway?'

And with that Jasey left. I was too shocked to go after her. I thought it was going well. I thought we were making progress. What the hell happened?

Suddenly my breath hitched and I put my hand to my throat, trying to regain something as I fell to my knees, a broken heap on the floor.