Frank Iero: P.A.

My night was pretty lonely. I made myself some ramen for dinner, watched a few episodes of Hoarders (because that kind of thing always makes me feel better about myself), and then fell into bed at the embarrassing time of nine o’clock. I laid there awake for a couple of hours until I heard the sound of Gerard’s dress shoes clicking on the marble staircase... followed by another set of feet and a really horrible laugh. He’d brought Toby back with him. It made feel sick. Just thinking of those two climbing into bed together and doing... stuff... was enough to make me seriously consider throwing myself out the nearest window. So before any seriously loud sex sounds could start I found myself some sleeping pills in the bathroom cabinet and waited for them to take effect. It was probably the only way I would have got to sleep.

Now wide awake, I trudge downstairs to have breakfast. The place seems quiet and I feel somewhat happy that there won’t be any awkward encounters – that is until I get closer to the kitchen. An over-exaggerated, really annoying laugh gets louder the closer I get.

“Oh, Gee-baby you’re so funny in the morning... mmm, you’re so sexy, too,” I hear Toby say in a really drawn out, feminine way.

Yuck.

I enter the kitchen and there’s the annoying, fun-ruining, vomit inducing, douche bag sitting on one of the barstools, leaning forward over the bench feeding strawberries dipped in God knows what to Gerard. He’s only wearing his underwear, whereas Gerard is fully dressed for the day. I clear my throat loudly to make them stop.

Gerard’s head snaps in my direction, startled and, I’d say, a little embarrassed. He pushes away from the island and goes straight to his coffee, leaving Toby’s arm outstretched in midair with a strawberry between his fingers; whatever it’s been dipped in drips onto the bench. I laugh inwardly at Gerard’s obvious rejection of the gesture... and the boyfriend. Toby glares at me with a threatening look; he knows it’s because of me that Gerard rejected him. I just shrug my shoulders and pretend that I have no idea what’s going on.

“Gee-baby, you need to finish your breakfast,” Toby coos, trying to coerce Gerard back to him.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” he mumbles, reaching for the New York Times and flipping to the arts section.

I busy myself with making breakfast so my back is turned to them and I am able to laugh freely at how easily Gerard is dismissing his boyfriend. Once I’ve added milk to my cereal I move to the corner so I can watch more of this beautiful display of rejection.

“Come on, Gee-baby, you’ve got to keep your strength up for tonight,” Toby tries, winking, and holds out the strawberry once again.

Ew. I don’t want to hear about Gerard and Toby having sex. It was bad enough that I’ve been dreaming about it the past two nights.

“Fine,” Gerard says dejectedly.

He makes an attempt to pluck out a strawberry for himself, but Toby slaps his hand away and selects one instead. He dips it into the creamy liquid and brings the strawberry to his own mouth, licking it once while looking deep into Gerard’s eyes. Oh, the disgusting metaphor. Then he slips the same strawberry into Gerard’s mouth. I notice that Gerard looks very uncomfortable about this.

“Better, Gee-baby?”

“Uh, yeah...” Gerard says, sounding just as uncomfortable as he looks. “But I’ve got work to get to now.”

I can tell Gerard’s subtly trying to get rid of Toby. This surprises me, because Gerard isn’t subtle about anything to anyone. He must really care about his guy...

“That’s alright, Gee-baby, I’ll just wait in your room for you,” he says, accompanied by another disturbing wink. Obviously he can’t take a hint.

Gerard sighs. “Fine.” He turns to me. “Come on, Frank.”

Come on, Frank? I’ve had three spoonfuls of cereal! He has that look about him that suggests I shouldn’t argue, so I put my bowl in the sink and follow Gerard out of the kitchen, leaving the semi naked boyfriend by himself.

“So what’s with the sudden urge to start work half an hour early, Gee-baby?” I ask when we’re safely inside my office.

He shudders. “Don’t ever call me that – I despise that name.”

I look at him curiously. “If you hate it so much then why do you let Toby call you by it?”

Already on his way into his own office, Gerard shrugs. “In the end I get sex out of it.”

Well, that’s something I didn’t need to know! But it does raise a question: is Gerard only with Toby because his girlfriend is denying him sex? Wow...What a mentality to have – ‘my pregnant girlfriend won’t have sex with me so I’ll get myself a boyfriend instead’... Why not just get another girlfriend? It’s Gerard; I guess he just likes things a little abnormal.

The mail hasn’t been delivered yet, so I get a small reprieve from answer fan letters. I’m kind of happy about that, but instead of getting to read letters from kooky fans I have to do actual boring work, so it’s not all good. I have a bunch of invoices to do for private buyers instead. Even though I didn’t do that great in high school, I’ve always been reasonably good at math – and I finally have a use for all that boring stuff I used to complain about never needing to my teachers. It’s funny how stuff like that works out.

What work I need to do today isn’t really all that bad, but it’s taking me forever. Not because it’s all that hard, but because Toby refuses to be left alone for any longer than fifteen minutes. He is continually coming into the office doing either one of two things: complaining about Gerard leaving him with nothing to do, or finding even more for me to do. I don’t know which is more frustrating, but I do know that this is partly Gerard’s fault; he’s put me under strict instructions not to tell Toby whereabouts in the house he is. If I were allowed to tell him then he would be coming in here constantly asking me where the cock-sucker is.

At this particular time, when I’m in the middle of explaining to the Inquirer why Gerard’s critique of the exhibition was so brief – seriously, the art was shit, I think we’ve established that – Toby comes in demanding to see Gerard. He can see that I’m on the phone, but he keeps talking at me. I swear, the only good thing about him right now is the fact that he’s fully dressed.

“Excuse me for a moment,” I say to the journalist on the phone. I cover the receiver and glare at Toby. “I am in middle of an important phone call,” It’s actually not that important, but whatever – he doesn’t know that, “can you stop pestering me – and Gerard.”

He scoffs at me and, instead of waiting for me to finish on the phone, takes himself off to Gerard’s office. I should probably stop him, but fuck it! Let Gerard deal with him for a change.

I go back to the phone call, ignoring the little light on the phone above the label ‘Gerard’s office’ that starts flashing barely thirty seconds after Toby walked through those doors. Gerard can tell me off for letting Toby go in there later.

“Yes, I understand how short two sentences are, but Gerard Way gives things the amount of time that he thinks they deserve. He simply wasn’t impressed by that exhibition and a conversation with you, no matter the length, won’t change his mind on it,” I explain to the journalist. During this sentence the light had gone out, but promptly started flashing again a few seconds later. I ignore it again as I listen to the journalist’s response. “I know, it was very generous of you to dedicate a third of a page space for Gerard’s critique, but-”

I stop mid sentence as someone comes into my office. This can’t be happening! What the hell am I meant to do in this situation?!

“Hi,” the woman says politely, “I won’t keep you from your work, I just need to pop in and see Gerard quickly.” She gestures to the connecting door, then starts walking toward it.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Gerard Way’s girlfriend can not – I repeat – CAN NOT go into that office when Gerard’s boyfriend is in there!

“Thank you for calling Gerard Way’s office!” I say quickly and throw the phone down, not caring where it lands or what the journalist must be thinking. “Uh, no!” I call out to her.

She pauses, a puzzled look on her face. “What’s the problem?”

His boyfriend is in there, that’s the fucking problem!

“You need an appointment to see Gerard Way,” I stammer.

She dismisses my excuse with a wave of her hand and continues toward the door. “He won’t mind me seeing him; we’ve known each other for years.”

“Uh... he’s in a meeting!” I practically scream.

This doesn’t stop her either. Her hand is on the handle and there is nothing more I can say to stop her going in there. I can’t even push her over because she’s pregnant... Damn! I’ve got get in there and make some explanation before she has time to make any conclusions of her own.

I run after her, knocking my chair over in the process, then tripping over the phone which apparently had landed on the floor. She’s already hugging Gerard when I get in there. I’m too late!

“Alicia, sweetie, what are you doing here?” Gerard asks when he releases her. He’s handling this very well for someone who’s just been sprung having an affair. Gesturing to Toby, he says, “You remember Toby, my boyfriend, don’t you?”

Oh, God... My boss is about to be killed by an enraged hormonal woman.

“Of course! Toby, it’s lovely to see you again.” Alicia hugs Toby warmly.

Gerard’s girlfriend is hugging Gerard’s boyfriend! What the hell is going on?!

“Wait- what? How are you so calm?” I can’t help but ask Alicia. All three of them look at me as if I’ve gone insane. “Gerard’s been cheating on you with a guy and you’re fine with it?”

Alicia and Toby still look confused even though I just spelt out what’s happening. But Gerard... he’s smiling... What is going on?

“Frank,” Gerard says, still smiling. There’s a twinkle in his eye. “Alicia is my brother’s wife. That,” he points to Alicia’s swollen stomach, “is not mine.”