Frank Iero: P.A.

“I still can’t believe you thought that Alicia was my girlfriend,” Gerard says.

It’s a few hours after the mix up in Gerard’s office and he’s showing no signs of letting me forget my stupidity any time soon.

After the incident in the office, we all sat down so Gerard could explain what was going on. I think the most valuable thing I got out of that was that Toby is very insecure in his relationship; Gerard had to spend half an hour speaking to Toby in isolation to convince the idiot that no, he wasn’t cheating on him, and no, he has never had any interest in women. During that half hour Alicia and I spoke. It turns out that she’s a very lovely woman. She didn’t go into too much detail, but she did mention Mikey to me, and how kind Gerard had been during Mikey’s ongoing cancer battle; she had to stop a couple of times though when her emotions got the better of her. I’m starting to understand why Gerard has to be there so much.

“Do you really think this personality is capable of attracting more than one person?” Gerard continues.

“Oh, shut up...” I berate. “I made a mistake.”

“A pretty big one, too,” he smirks.

I throw a cushion at him and return my attention to the Family Ties episode I’ve been attempting to watch for the past ten minutes. Gerard being the annoying guy that he is, places the cushion behind his head.

“How did you even know about Alicia anyway? I’ve never mentioned a woman to you before,” Gerard asks seriously.

I freeze. How the fuck do I explain this one?

“Uh... there was a pregnant girl coming to see you; it’s an easy leap to make – I mean, you’re so secretive about you and Toby and everything, so...” I shrug awkwardly, making sure not to look at him.

He stays silent for a moment. “Oh, I thought it might have been because you were riffling through my things and found a couple of photos of her...”

I look at him cautiously, absolutely petrified of what his reaction will be; I know I must look guilty. Gerard’s smirking...

He shuts his eyes and huffs out a laugh. “I thought so... Nice addition to them, by the way. I’ve always wondered what my sister-in-law would look like with a goatee,” he says lightly. He fixes his eyes on me, looking serious all of a sudden. “You’re lucky I have those photos saved on my computer, Frank, otherwise my reaction would be very different.”

Gulping, I nod and return my attention back to the television. Gerard does the same and I feel relieved, assuming the grilling and paying out on me for my mistake is now over. Of course, in typical Gerard style, his demeanour changes again and he is back to mocking me.

“Why does Frank Iero jump up and start screaming during an exam? Because he thinks you’ve been cheating when you’re just smiling at your friend,” Gerard jokes, laughing as if it’s the funniest thing anyone in the history of the universe has ever said.

“Oh, ha-ha,” I deadpan. “You better keep selling art because you’re never going to make it as a comedian.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” he replies, “Toby and Alicia got a good laugh out of my hiring skills today.”

I glare at him. “Actually, I don’t remember Toby laughing at all – he looked more like he was throwing a tantrum.”

“Yeah... he’s a bit like that,” Gerard concedes.

“The sex must be pretty great then.” This is definitely not what I want to talk about, but if it gets us off the subject of my misunderstanding then I’m going to go for it.

“I don’t really care how good it is,” he says seriously. When he doesn’t look at me I know that it’s something he finds hard to discuss. “It distracts me from thinking about Mikey and all the shit he and Alicia have to go through; that’s why I do it.”

“Do you even love Toby?” I blurt out. Whoops.

He seems to think about this before he answers. “Yes... I think so.” His attention reverts back to the TV. “Hey, look – Mallory is saying something stupid.”

That is his way of saying that the conversation is over. And why wouldn’t it be? We’re getting too personal. But, strangely, I want the conversation to get more personal. I want to know more about why he is with Toby because, quite frankly, what I’ve seen of him is not very appealing. Who would want to be with someone so possessive?

“You know, Frank,” Gerard says a few minutes later, “you’re the most interesting friend I’ve ever had.”

A completely random comment, yet very intriguing.

“I didn’t realise we were friends,” I say, not looking at him.

“We’d have to be for me to tell you the kind of things I have recently, don’t you think?”

The man has a point.

“Well, since we’re being honest here,” I say, now risking a glance in his direction; he’s already looking at me, “you’re the strangest friend I’ve ever had, and I’m okay with that.”

We sit there for a moment, just smiling at each other, then turn our attention back to Family Ties. There’s a comfortable silence between us that I really enjoy; it’s nice to be at that level of closeness with someone where you can sit in a room together and not say anything without it being awkward or weird.

While we sit together with more classic shows playing on TV, I find myself thinking of Gerard and Toby’s relationship again. Toby is definitely getting the better deal here – a famous, wealthy, attractive boyfriend who can cook. What the hell is Gerard getting out of the relationship, though? A pasty little possessive man with a bad haircut and whiney voice who gives him mediocre sex? Now, I’m not saying I’m volunteering, because I’m as straight as people come, but I could give Gerard better than that. And really, while the guy is arrogant, scarily anal (no pun intended), egotistical, unfriendly, and has a really horrible sense of humour, Gerard does deserve better than what Toby has to offer. I mean, if I were dating Gerard (which is not even a possibility because I’m straight), I’d just call him Gee if he had to have a nickname, take him out on dates to coffee houses and underground art galleries every so often, but mostly we’d just stay in. I’d let him cook for me and then shower him with compliments about how amazing the food is. We’d stay up late watching television – kid shows and classics only – and horror movies. In the mornings we would lay in bed together until the sun lit up the whole room, and then have a decent breakfast together – none of that strawberry crap. I’d trust him completely, just like I do now, so if some misinformed P.A. started screaming that he had a girlfriend, I would just laugh it off, knowing that I’m all Gerard needs. And as for the sex? Well, let’s just say, I would rock his world so hard that he will need support to walk for a week. That’s right – I’m that good.

“Do you want me to put it in?”

Huh?!

I stare at Gerard, looking horrified; he’s propositioning me for sex! It was a hypothetical relationship... and it was in my head!

“Wh-what?” I stammer.

He looks confused. “The DVD. Do you want me to put it in?”

Duh, Frank! What else would he mean?

“Sure! Yep... DVD – sounds good.”

“Are you okay?” he asks me while he’s setting up the DVD.

“Yeah...uh... you know what? Today’s been a long day, so I think I’ll just head upstairs and go to bed.” I get up and head for the hallway; suddenly being in the same room with Gerard is suffocating.

“But it’s only eight-thirty!” I hear him shout after me. “And I owe you a movie night!”

I ignore him and run upstairs. When I enter my bedroom I close the door and lean up against it. Taking in deep breaths, I try to calm myself. Something has changed inside my head... and I really don’t like it.



This morning I awake with horrible memories of the previous night, I can’t believe I, a straight man, allowed myself to think what a relationship between Gerard and I would be like. It’s a weird concept on its own, but the details that I came up with just made the whole situation so much worse. And the fact that I freaked out in front of Gerard is just embarrassing. Not to mention pathetic.

I’ve just discovered another reason why living where you work is n inconvenience – you can’t call in sick. That is exactly what I want to do. It wouldn’t exactly be a lie either, because I’m feeling pretty sick at the thought of seeing Gerard. But if I were to call in sick, who would answer the phone?

I pace in front of my bedroom door for a few minutes before I end up leaving. There’s not much point in hiding up here. Sooner or later Gerard’s would have to come looking for his P.A., and I’m the worst at faking sick.

As I expected, Gerard isn’t in the kitchen when I get there. At 7:50 as he has a tendency to be hiding until he walks into the office at eight. I put two slices of bread in the toaster and turn the dial to the highest setting; it’ll cook quicker and I’ll be out of the kitchen faster. While that’s cooking, I pour myself half a cup of coffee and gulp it down until there’s nothing left. The hot liquid burns my throat, but at least it’s a distraction from the pain in my stomach. I cancel my toast after a minute and smear butter over the semi brown slices. There’s no time to eat properly, so I take my breakfast with me to my office.

I’ve been seated no longer than two minutes when Gerard enters the room. His eyes scan my face; this makes my stomach churn and I have to look away. Time seems to stretch on endlessly until he finally walks to his own office. I take a few breaths to steady myself – I can’t let him affect me like this, not when we have to work together so closely.

“What is the schedule for today?” Gerard asks me a few minutes later from the doorway between our offices. His tone is colder than usual.

“Uh...” I push papers around the desk until the appointment book comes into view. I scan the page. “No interviews today, just four o’clock deadlines for three private buyers – Johansson, Donavan, and Murray.”

He doesn’t respond, but walks past my desk and out into the hallway. I’d say he’s going to his studio, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be seeing him for the rest of the day, not when he’s in that mood. Part of me is relieved at the prospect of a Gerard-free day, but another, louder, part of me feels hurt that he’s brooding again. I can’t let myself think about it, though, I just have to keep working.

After answer emails and phone calls to journalists all day, and being completely ignored by Gerard, I feel like this day couldn’t get any worse. But at eleven o’clock I realise it could get much worse, when the front door slams shut and the most annoying voice in the history of voices comes screaming along the hallway outside the office door.

“Gee-baby! Surprise! Midday sex is coming your way, Gee-baby!”

Toby.

My stomach was already feeling queasy before, but now my head is pounding. I’m sure you can guess why that is. Without invitation, Toby waltzes into the office, past my desk, through into Gerard’s office. Sure, I could have told him Gerard wasn’t in there, but why should I? Gerard’s not even certain how he feels about this guy.

“Where’s Gerard?” he snaps at me a few moments later.

I can’t resist the opportunity to piss him off further. “Upstairs, in bed with his girlfriend.”

If looks could kill, let’s just say, Gerard would have to start looking for a new P.A. right about now. Toby folds his arm across his chest and leaves the room in a huff, assumingly to go find Gerard. I smile to myself, satisfied that I’ve pissed him off enough for him to leave me alone for the remainder of the day. You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was actually checking that Gerard wasn’t in bed with a woman.

I get back to my work. Although, the silent work environment doesn’t last long. Less than five minutes later heavy footsteps come down the marble staircase, a heated argument ensues. I listen intently.

“How many times do I need to tell you, Toby? I am not into women, nor have I ever been.”

“Well, your Personal Asshole seems to think differently,” Toby replies, aggravated.

Personal Asshole? After what my horrific imagination conjured up last night, I really don’t want to be referred to as Gerard’s personal asshole.

“Don’t speak about Frank like that,” Gerard says. I almost fall off my chair – he’s defending me. “He jokes around; that’s just how he is.”

“Why are you defending him?!” Toby shouts hysterically. “I am your boyfriend! You never even tell me that you love me – what else am I meant to think when someone says you have a girlfriend?”

They must be just outside the door because I’m able to hear Gerard let out an irritated sigh.

“Toby, I care about you – that should be enough,” he says. “Now, go home, cool off, and let me get back to my work. I’ll phone you later.”

“Fine,” Toby bites out.

He walks by the office door, turning his head to give me a snide look. To piss him off further, I smile at him innocently. Toby turns back to the direction he’d just come from and stretches his arms out. Suddenly, he’s yanking Gerard toward him and forcing a passionate kiss onto his lips. I watch the embrace, feeling sicker than before. Gerard barely kisses him back before he pulls away from Toby’s clutch. They stare at each other, Toby seductively, Gerard hinting that he should leave. Eventually, Toby gets the hint and sulks off, slamming the front door behind him.

Gerard enters the office. “Say anything about that, and you can start looking for a new job.”