Frank Iero: P.A.

The wait for the doctor to return is agonising. Gerard paces back and forth along the corridor, looking nervous. He hasn’t made any attempt to speak to me and I don’t press the issue. He’s thinking the worst, I can tell. That look on his face, set and serious, suggest he’s trying to come up with arrangements for Emma-Lea if our nightmare is confirmed. I’m wondering what would happen of her, too.

It’s almost forty minutes before a face we recognise enters the corridor. It’s the doctor. The look on his face and the blood staining his green scrubs say it all.

The worst.

He comes to a halt before us, linking his hands in front of him. “I’m so sorry...”

He isn’t given a chance to say anything further as a loud wail is emitted from Gerard. I get to my feet and go to his side. I place my hand on his shoulder lightly. His arms suddenly fling around me and he begins to bawl his eyes out into my shoulder. My eyes go blurry as I cry silent tears for Alicia, for Emma-Lea, for the man in my arms who is hurting more than any man ever should have to.

“We did everything we could, but she lost too much blood,” the doctor explains after a minute. I take it in, but I know it’s gone over Gerard’s head completely. “I’ll give you two some time.”

As the doctor walks away from us I find the strength to guide Gerard backward to a row of seats in the waiting room where we’ve been since they wheeled Alicia away. I take hold of Gerard’s hand and rub the pad of my thumb over his knuckles as he continues to sob into the crook of my neck while I cry into his hair. Things should have never turned out this way.



I’m still holding Gerard’s hand when the doctor comes back half an hour later. Sympathy is etched over the man’s face. He smiles at me, probably because I’m the only one paying him any attention, then looks at Gerard, his smile fading. I squeeze Gerard’s hand and stroke the arm supporting his head to grab his attention. He looks up at the doctor but says nothing.

“I know this is a very difficult time for you, Mr. Way,” he says sympathetically, but manages to maintain some air of professionalism, “but unfortunately we need to address the issue of Emma-Lea’s custody. Do you have the father’s phone number?”

The mention of Mikey draws more tears from Gerard’s eyes. I rub the pad of my thumb over his hand and answer for him, “He passed away five weeks ago.”

The doctor visibly cringes when he realises what he’s said. “My condolences. Grandparents?”

“Alicia’s parents died in a car accident two years ago, and my parents are no longer in the picture,” Gerard says, completely void of emotion. “Before she... she... Alicia said she wanted me to have the baby. I’m the uncle,” he says with as much conviction as he can. “I know nothing’s written down, but that’s what she wanted.”

“That presents a small issue,” the doctor says, more to himself than us. “Were there any witnesses to this exchange?”

Gerard looks downcast. I’m pretty sure he’s picture someone taking little Emma-Lea away from him and taking her to an orphanage, or worse, his parents place.

“I was,” I say. It’s not a total lie; I did overhear Alicia saying it to him, Gerard’s just not aware of that. Hopefully, he’ll just go with me on this. “Alicia was very insistent that Gerard was to have custody if anything happened.”

“Is that true, Gerard?” the doctor queries, raising an eyebrow. Gerard just nods. “Okay, we’ll have to just check out a few other avenues first, but there shouldn’t be any problems with you taking full custody of Emma-Lea Michaela Way. I’ll be back soon with the necessary paperwork.”

The doctor heads back to the nurse’s station, leaving Gerard and I alone in the waiting room again. It’s eerily quiet in here. I feel like I should be saying something, but what is there to say? How do you console someone who just lost their friend and sister-in-law so soon after losing their brother? You can’t. So I don’t say anything; I just watch Gerard. His tears have dried up and he’s no longer looking at the floor – that’s progress – it’s the wall that occupies his interest. There’s a red tinge to his cheeks from his earlier tears, but the rest of his skin is a pale white – paler than his usual complexion, if that’s even possible.

“Thank you, Frank,” he says softly a little while later.

I have to do a double take to make sure it was actually him who spoke. “For what?”

“For telling the doctor that you were a witness,” he says. He turns to me now and takes my chin lightly between his fingertips, “and for staying here with me.”

I don’t know what has come over me, but I reach for his cheek and guide him to my lips. We kiss – nothing passionate, just a small peck so he knows that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to debate whether I’m gay or straight right now, or whether kissing my boss is wrong or not. There’s no need to label this; I’m just Frank and he’s just Gerard. And right now, Gerard just needs Frank.

“Do you want me to call Ellie and tell her what’s been going on?” I ask. His face is still very close to mine.

He nods, his eyes closed in that pained way of his. I, for the first time since we sat down together in the waiting room, let go of his hand, and make to leave. He clasps his hand around my wrist and tugs me back to him. I look into his hazel eyes, waiting for some sign as to why he’s not letting me go. It’s not until he’s standing up and wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug that I understand. I hold onto him as tightly as he’s holding on to me; I can tell he’s afraid to be alone right now.

“Don’t call her as my P.A.,” he whispers next to my ear, “call her as my friend. Promise me that.”

I pull back from him enough to be able to look him in the eyes. “I promise.”

He lets me go, and I retreat from the room; I know his eyes are on me as I leave.

The corridor is quite empty, apart from the occasional orderly carrying linen or wheeling a new mother down to the nursery to see her baby. Seeing those mothers makes me wonder about what Alicia would be doing right now. Would she be getting wheeled down to see Emma-Lea, or would she be cradling her in her arms in her room? Maybe she’d be whispering to her how much her daddy would love to hold her, too. I think I’ve held it together reasonably well during this whole ordeal, but now that I’m not by Gerard’s side it’s all starting to take hold of me. I wipe at the tears forming at the corners of my eyes. This shouldn’t be happening. Alicia should still be alive to hold her baby in her arms, and Mikey should be alive to hold them both in his... and Gerard should be smiling like a proud uncle, not crying because he’s all Emma-Lea’s got left.

I finally reach the doors and am able to get outside. I inhale the fresh Autumn air to steady myself before digging my phone out of my jeans pocket. Ellie’s number is on speed dial; I hold down three and wait for the phone to start ringing. She answers on the fourth ring.

“Hi, Ellie, it’s Frank,” I say. I’m surprised at how normal I sound, but I doubt that tone will stay that way for long. “I’m calling from the hospital.”

“Is everything okay, dear?” She sounds worried; she’s not even speaking in French.

“Uh, no, no it’s not. Alicia had the baby – a little girl she named Emma-Lea,” I say. Ellie sounds delighted, but I can hear a change in her as she remembers that something wasn’t okay. My voice quivers as I trying to get the next couple of words out. “There were some... some complications...” I expel a shaky breath. “Alicia didn’t make it.”

There’s a gasp from the other end of the phone, but other than that Ellie is silent. She’s in shock; we all are. I try to think of something to say to her, but as with Gerard, how can I console someone who’s just lost two very important people so close together.

“H-how’s Gerard?” she asks. Bless her, managing to keep her grief at bay.

“He’s a mess, as you’d expect, but he’s trying,” I say.

“And Emma-Lea? Is she okay?” Ellie asks. “What will happen to her?”

“She’s doing well for now, but they’re keeping a close eye on her,” I tell her. “Gerard has decided to become Emma-Lea’s guardian; it’s what Alicia wanted.”

“Oh, my... he is a brave man,” Ellie trails off. I can tell she’s recalling other moments of Gerard’s selflessness and dedication to his family. She returns to reality a few moments later. “Bernard and I will start setting up a nursery at Gerard’s place, and then we’ll come by the hospital.”

“That’d be great, Ellie.” I’m glad she’s thought to do that; I don’t think I’m quite ready to look at baby stuff yet.

We end the call and I’m left with a slightly reassured feeling. I know Ellie will be of more help to Gerard during this time than what I could ever hope to be. What do I know about raising a child?

I head back to the waiting room, passing the nurse’s station as I go. The doctor we’ve been dealing with is on the phone, but he acknowledges me with a nod as I approach. I’m pretty sure he’s looking into the other avenues he mentioned before. For Gerard’s sake, I hope they don’t work out; it’ll shatter him if someone else gets Emma-Lea, especially if the someone else is his parents.

To my surprise, the waiting room is empty when I get back. Where the hell has Gerard gone? Surely he hasn’t left the hospital.

“Excuse me,” a nurse calls out to me. I turn to face her. “The gentleman you’re with is over at the nursery. He asked me to tell you that.”

I’m already halfway out of the room. “Thanks.”

I follow the signs until I reach the double doors to the nursery. There’s a sign that reads ‘Authorised Persons Only’.

Fuck that, I’m going in.

No I’m not.

Gerard’s standing outside the nursery a few feet away from the doors, looking in through the window. He looks deep in thought. I almost turn around and head back to the waiting room, but he asked the nurse to tell me where he was going, so he must have wanted me to come find him. I walk over and stand next to him.

“Which one is she?” I ask, looking over the neat rows of babies in fish tanks.

“There.” He points to the middle of the second row. “She’s the only one not crying. Ironic, isn’t it?”

It is. She’s only a couple of hours old, has just lost her mother, will never meet her father, and yet she’s holding it together better than two grown men.

“She’s strong,” I comment, hoping it will sooth Gerard.

He lifts his hand up to the glass and rests it there, as if he’s really touching her. “Just like her parents.”

I place my hand over his. “Just like her uncle.”

We keep standing there, our hands connected like that, staring at this strong little girl cocooned in a pink blanket. The sounds of the other babies crying fade away and their figures blur. It’s just Gerard, Emma-Lea, and me.

"This is all going to become really hard, Frank," Gerard says softly after a while. "Will you stay with me when it does?"

"I promise I'll be here for the hardest part," I reply earnestly.

But soon it’ll be just Gerard and Emma-Lea. I’m in too deep – and there’s no way I can stay.