The Inner Ramblings of a Bleeding Heart

It hurts. It hurts more than anything in the world. It hurts so badly it makes me dizzy. The waves of pain washing over my body, starting in my heart. I grit my teeth against the pain. It doesn’t help.

The tears fall, crashing to my knees like salty raindrops. I hug my knees tighter to my chest. I try so hard to fight the pain. I try so hard to keep the tears at bay. It doesn’t work.

I can’t remember ever not being like this. I can’t ever remember a day when the sky wasn’t cloudy. I can’t even remember the last time a genuine smile lit up my face. I force it. I put on that fake smile. I get by with it day after day. I don’t even have to try anymore. It works.

I clutch my chest as a fresh wave of pain washes over me. I curl in on myself to fight against that empty, hollow loneliness that eats away at my soul. I try not to cry. I try to keep my hands from shaking. They won’t stop.

I rest my chin on my knees and let the tears stream silently down my cheeks. I hear my parents moving about the house, either oblivious or uncaring to my torment. Another wave of pain. My muscles tense until it passes.

My phone buzzes from beside me. I glance at the screen. One of my friends. He’s having trouble with his girlfriend and wants my advice. I suck it up. I force the pain back down my throat and back into my heart. I type out a reply and hit ‘send.’

We converse back and forth through text for a while. Him complaining about how much life sucks and how unfair it all is. I carefully read his replies and do what I can to answer appropriately to try to make him feel better about it all. It works.

By the time he’s feeling better and we text our goodbyes, I’m feeling much, much worse. I kept the pain in my heart until I was done texting him so I would be able to be a good friend and help him. Even with something so ridiculous compared to what I’m feeling. It wasn’t ridiculous to him though. To him, it was like the end of the world. If only he really knew what the end of the world felt like.

I cried silently into my knees, my tears darkening the denim until I fell asleep. I dreamt of nightmares and follies, lies and flying, headaches and eagles. I dreamt so darkly I thought I might drown.

When I woke up, I realized the pain that eased during sleep was creeping back out of my heart and into my muscles and joints, making me stiff and sore when I moved. I climbed out of bed and looked in the mirror at the dark circles under my eyes. I tugged at a clump of hair, a habit formed out of stress. I went to take a shower.

The hot water burned my skin. It forced the pain out of my joints and muscles, allowing me to move more freely. When I was clean, I just stood under the scalding water until it ran cold.

I got out of the shower and made it look like I gave a fuck about how I appeared to the rest of the world. I dried and straightened my hair. I put on clothes. I brushed my teeth. I sighed and made my way to the kitchen to eat breakfast. My parents were still asleep.

I ate then I grabbed my bag before leaving the house. I walked down the street to the bus stop. I saw the yellow monstrosity making its way towards me. I threw on my fake smile as the driver opened the door and I climbed in.

I made my way midway down the aisle before taking a seat beside Christopher, the one I had been texting the night before. I smiled my fake smile, and he smiled in return. He put an arm around my shoulders and thanked me for last night.

“You’re a good friend,” he said. I simply nodded.

When the bus pulled up to the school and we all piled out, Christopher ran up the front steps and grabbed his girlfriend around the waist, pulling her in for a kiss. I ignored the sharp pang in my chest and instead went up the steps and greeted her courteously. She smiled a sweet smile at me and waved.

There was a new boy in school. My homeroom teacher made him introduce himself. He was good looking. Had a soft, gentle voice. Seemed slightly on the shy side. He appeared in every one of my classes after that.

By lunch I was wearing thin. My fake smile was starting to falter. The pain in my heart had once again escaped and was filling my muscles and my joints making every little movement painful. I escaped out the back door of the school and leaned against the brick wall, sliding down it until I was seated on the concrete, knees pulled to my chest.

The door opened. The new boy stepped out. He glanced around, spotting me. He walked over and sat down across from me. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket as well as a lighter. He stuck one of the cancer sticks in his mouth and lit it before extending the pack in my direction. I shook my head.

“Might make you feel better,” he said.

“I’m just tired is all,” I said throwing my fake smile back on.

He put the pack back in his pocket, taking a few puffs of his cigarette before speaking again.

“You’re just like me,” he said. I looked at him a little confused. He spoke again. “You’re smile doesn’t reach your eyes. I can see the pain in them. You can’t fool me.”

He took a few more puffs as he watched me. I sighed. I didn’t bother trying to smile again. I could tell he wouldn’t buy any of my bullshit. So instead I just sat there with my face buried in my knees. He stayed sitting cross-legged in front of me, puffing on his cigarette.

When he finished, he extinguished it on the concrete, flicking the butt away. He moved so he was sitting beside me, right up against me. I glanced up at him. He gently put two fingers under my chin and lifted my face up closer to his. He brushed my bangs out of my eyes with his free hand while the other pulled my face even closer.

His lips felt soft and warm on mine. I let my eyes slip closed as he kissed me. I didn’t kiss him back, but I didn’t push him away either. He kissed me softly, gently. He moved his hand from my chin to cup my cheek, his thumb stroking my cheekbone. He wiped away a stray tear. After a few minutes, his lips left mine and his hand was removed from my face. I suddenly felt very cold.

“I’m Adam,” he said with a sad smile.

“I’m…dizzy,” I said as I slumped over on his shoulder, unable to see straight.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and rubbed my upper arm. He hummed quietly while I tried to clear my head. He kissed my temple. I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked into his clear, blue eyes. He looked back.

The door opened again and Christopher stepped out. I broke my gaze from Adam’s and glanced over. Christopher looked puzzled. Concerned maybe. He walked over and knelt down in front of me.

“Are you okay, Harley?” he asked.

It was then that I realized that I had let my guard down around Adam. I quickly pasted on my fake smile and nodded. Christopher seemed easily convinced while Adam just lightly squeezed my shoulder.

“I was looking for you. Chelsea and I were wondering why you weren’t eating with us.”

“Just needed a breather,” I said.

He looked over to Adam then raised an eyebrow when he looked back to me.

“And maybe a little action,” I winked at him. He chuckled. So did Adam.

“Well, don’t let me get in the way of your fun.” And with that, he left.

I laid my head back on Adam’s shoulder. I was still really dizzy. I couldn’t see straight. I could barely think straight. That encounter just then with Christopher had taken everything out of me that I had left.

Adam started humming again as he held me to him. He then sang softly under his breath. He had a beautiful voice. I couldn’t think clearly enough to make out the words, but it still seemed like I was able to understand the emotion of the song.

The pain slowly started making its way out of my muscles and out of my joints and back into my heart. I locked it up. I looked up at Adam who looked back down at me before leaning in. His pressed his lips softly to mine for a second time. This time, I kissed him back. I felt the pain in my heart dull ever so slightly as we kissed. And the longer our lips stayed connected, the more the pain dulled.

When we finally broke apart, we just stared into each other’s eyes. The bell signaling the start of the next class had long since rung. We continued to ignore it. We ignored everything except each other. He was the only thing that existed in that moment for me. And I was the only thing that existed to him.

Tentatively, I pressed my lips back against his and immediately felt an easing of the pain in my chest. I wasn’t sure how this was happening. But this boy, he was making the pain bearable with his kiss and his touch. I wanted to stay in his embrace forever. Feel his lips on mine for an eternity. Because until this, until now, I had never found a way to ease the pain. I had never felt like I was truly alive. But his kiss gave me hope. And his embrace made me warm. And I never wanted it to stop.