Annelise

“I had thought he ruined her,” My voice was rough as I went on, butterflies eating away at my insides as I continued. “For a long time – a really long time we all had. She was sweet and small and beautiful and smart really smart and witty and understanding and she was going somewhere. She was on a fast track to being someone that would take the world by storm and he was Taylor.” I paused, breath hitching as his name left my lips in something like a snarl.

“He was Taylor.” I repeated almost mournfully, my nails biting harder into the skin on my knees. “He was the punk she had claimed as her first love.” My eyes shut tightly to the bitter memory of our first meeting. Her smile that day was so happy, it hurt me so much to have to compare that smile which had the sun in it to the last smile she had ever given me which hurt more to see then the feeling of blood oozing from the place my nails were abusing.

“When their relationship started to turn bitter, I tried to talk her away from him. I told her about the pig I saw posing in human skin and told her she was sooo much better than him, that she deserved so much better than him. But she wouldn't hear it. She had told me she loved him and I was floored because I didn't know love was cheating on that person and hitting em’ when they got to mouthy for your taste.” I opened my eyes again, her bruised and batter form to clear behind my closed eyelids.

“It wasn't much later when I finally figured out the reason she was still with him through everything. It came like a random headache or sudden dizziness that came out of nowhere and refused to go away until you took medicine or laydown for a little while. It wouldn't leave my brain until I dealt with it and that pissed me off because I didn't want to. I didn't want to humanize her, Annelise was something like an angel to me and I couldn't stop looking at her through my rose colored glasses.” I bit my lip as I thought about the night she came knocking on my door in the rain and after seeing her tear stained face and hearing her desperate words everything fell into place.

My nails essayed up some on my legs as I went on in a shaky voice. “But I couldn't stop myself from dealing with it or humanizing her after that night.” My nails were back digging into my skin again, my eyes shut tighter than before, my voice more pained then shaky now. “It was like two am in the morning and someone was banging on my door. I was far passed scared or peeved; I was downright ready to murder.” Some laughs were passed around the room at the last part of my rant.

“I stormed down my old staircase – too old to be running down away- and ripped open the door, glare fixed on my face for whatever was waiting for me and then I just stopped as a gasp of horror passed through my lips.” I licked my drying lips and choked slightly when I tried to breathe in, the air feeling painful to my numbing throat, the memory to fresh, raw, to be talked about so soon.

“She stood there soaked and shaking and bleeding, bleeding so much from her left arm. I remember her flinching as I reached towards her to bring her into the house, I also remember being so hurt that she thought I would hurt her but then I was also happy that she moved away from my touch. She looked different, soaked to the bone shivering in nothing but her underwear while bleeding heavily, she looked different. She looked human and I was scared –more than scared- to see a human Annelise. So, I stood there staring at the bleeding human not knowing what to do and then she opened her mouth, talking in that chirpy bird language that only she could ever pull off, and said “I’m bleeding Ow, I’m bleeding.” And more than the words I was watching her thin pink lips that looked less flush and soft than usual move and chirp out every word tiredly.” My heart fluttered fiercely at the fond thought of her voice, it’s been so long since I last heard it.

“Annelise stood there waiting for me to move aside or help her or anything and I just stood there staring dumbly at her disappointed. I didn't want a human Annelise, I didn't need one. I found myself thinking, begging myself, where was the genius author who had skipped countless grades and finished college at sixteen and had her second best seller out around the same time she was handed her diploma. Where was my Annelise, the women I loved, uh?” I stalled only momentarily at the small confession because I had loved her, had idolized her to point of infatuation, was more than thrilled that she came to me in her worst state.

“What could I do but find and destroy Taylor for the loss of my battered bird, if I ripped him limb from limb surly I could’ve brought her back, right? My Annelise, perfect strong little Annelise, if I did away with him I could revive her, of that I was certain.” I was unaware of my own tears until I was passed a tissue by the young shifty eyed man besides me, his gentle smile did little to appease my aching heart, but ales I went on, burning to get this off my chest and I felt I finally could surrounded by people like me.

“I brought her into my house cleaned her up, treated her wound, and severed her tea as we set down side by side on my sofa, and then I demand she tell me where he was so I could kill him to save her. We went on arguing back and forth for a while, I would beg her to tell me where he was and she would refuse saying it’s not his fault and it went on like that for hours until I got fed up then and yelled “Well whose fault is it then!?” And even now, I to this day wish she hadn't answered me back then with such honesty.

In that chirpy bird language which I loved, and still do love, she yelled back “Yours, my mom’s, everyone’s - mines! You all put me on this fucking huge pedestal and it’s hard to see the ground from up there so you can’t blame me for not knowing how fast it would take to reach the ground. I didn't know it hurt so much down here, Ow. I didn't know that it was so scary to love. I write about it and make people’s hearts melt but I've never had mines melted. I just couldn't help myself, so you can’t blame Taylor for me wanting him. I want him and I’m tired. Ow, I’m tired of your fucking pedestal, I’m human. Why won’t you left me be human? She was begging so desperately because she really did want an answer and for the rest of the night until she left I didn't say anything, couldn't say anything because I didn't know way I had to keep her up there. I didn’t know way I looked at her as something beyond us mere humans, I just did because she was so good at what she did that she earned it. Her strength and her mind were too beautiful to be permitted to be like me. She needed to sore so I could look up in the sky and say I know that stunning eagle, she stops by my house sometimes.” I talked about the moment I regretted the most in my life up to date with tears dampening my face, wondering if I ever really loved her or just wanted to be her. Was Annelise Rosenblatt always on my mind because I wanted to possess her for myself or because I wanted to be her?

“After that I hadn't seen Annelise for days and I wasn't looking but then I turned on the T.V one day and on the news they were saying things that would've happen if she hadn't become human, Annelise was in coma. They didn't know when she would wake up and they droned on about how her series would be put on hold indefinitely and then just when on to some shit type of unimportant spot. What could be more important than an angel in a hospital bed?” I could feel my body shaking with the pain I felt from just speaking those words. Coma – shewasinacomashewasinacoma- what was Annelise doing, doing something so human? Was to die what she had come down for? She said she was tired and maybe I underestimate how much.

“The only reason I picked up any liquor in the first place was to numb the jumbled thoughts of her raking through my brain and sending me deeper into hell the more time that passed without anyone saying she was okay.” I denied any sign of a problem quickly finally getting to the reason I was here in the first place. “I just wanted to feel numb, to be hazy, and not have to think of her not waking up, and just dying. I continued to drink to keep myself in a state in which I was unwell enough to not commit murder. If I see Taylor with a clear mind, I’ll kill him.” I spat out his name like it tasted bad, my eyes narrowing into slits.

Taking a calming breath I forced the next words out of my lips, mumbling like the red faced mess I was. “Hi, I’m Val Owen and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi, Val.” A rough harmony of mismatched voices welcomed me into the large circle with gentle notes in their voices. I can do this, I can do this. “All right, who wants to share next? Livia? How about you?” I clammed up as the man who was the leader of the meeting turned to a pale girl that looked around nineteen or so with an encouraging smile on his face, he seemed like the over helpful type.

Said Livia, sighed but nodded a little before opening her mouth. “ I've been sober for ten days now,” Oh, shit I can do this, right? Not drinking for ten days? What type of hell is that? “Witch means I haven’t shown up to work drunk for six days straight.” Not drunk? What other why was there to work? As I mentally freaked out over not drinking for more than just when I was a sleeping and couldn't chug down the liver killing liquid, people were clapping for her smiling and saying “Good job, Livia.” I can do this, I can do this.

“It’s been rough but with the help of my sponsor,” She smiled quickly at some women in a yellow jumper. “I know I’ll be able to live an alcohol free life.” Her closing smile was so fragile and unsure that I lost all faith right then and there that she really though all this was worth it. Whatever she was running away from was probably easier to chase off in a drunken haze and she and everybody here all knew it. “Good job, Livia! Livia, you've made such amazing progress!” I can do this, I can do this. “Okay, who wants to go next?” I can do this, I can do this. “Christoph?” For my angel I can do this! “ I've been sober for thirty days.” Shit.