Status: Slowly updating
The Tormented Soul
Maybe If We Never Wake Up We Can Fly
The next day was no better than the last. What did I expect? I'm practically trapped here, I know I am. But I promise today I have a plan. It's fool proof! There's no way my family can attempt to pull me back in again. Why do they even choose to do that to begin with? If my mother and sister hate me so damn much, why to they try to soil my plans of leaving this hell hole?
Mom has never cared. All she ever cared about was her alcohol. 'Catherin,' my mother always said. 'Don't be so selfish. You can't just go off willy nilly and hurt yourself. You're just going through a phase. This will all pass.' It's not a phase. I've told her countless times I feel literally empty inside, and that's just not from the anorexia. 'Depression isn't a disease,' she said. 'It's just you begging for attention.' Normally when she said that, it would be followed by a slap in the face.
"Catherin, are you okay?" I heard my math teacher, Mrs. Flynn say to me after the bell had wrung. I shook my head to snap out of my small flashback.
"I'm fine, Mrs. Flynn. See you in detention," I said gathering my things. Once again, I was the last student out of the class. I'm the last one in and the last one out. All the time; it's like a constant habit.
"Oh, actually, Mr. Muller will be holding detention tonight. I ave to go to my son's soccer game. But we can talk right now if you want," she said gathering her things as well. Slinging my trapper over my shoulder, I stared at the blonde 40 year old. She's the only teacher at this horrid school with an actual heart. Why did she care so much about me though? Who ever wanted to talk to me?
"It's okay. I'm fine, really," I reassured her; even throwing in a small smile to show her I'm okay. She nodded, bringing our conversation to a close. I turned on my heel, a long breath coming out of my nose. Now it was time. It was time for me to leave.
--
Later that night, I stayed in school after detention was long over. I stayed passed midnight, and because of my insomnia, I knew I'd get sleepy around 6am. Staying up was easy but staying up late in the girl's locker room with the rats was the issue. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and flipped it open. Yes, flipped. I couldn't afford those fancy phones the other kids have and flip phones work just fine. Besides, no one ever calls me anyways.
It was 5 am, 2 hours before the teachers show up to school to settle out things before the students arrive at 8. I sighed, feeling more ready then I've ever been. Grabbing the jump rope I smuggled from the sports closet, I tied it to the light beam that hung proud above me. Since I was so frail, the benches they had in between the lockers added an extra 3 feet or so. Making sure the not was tight and the light beam was sturdy enough to hold my 98 pounds, I tied another loop, a little smaller than what my neck size is.
My palms began to sweat and my feet suddenly felt like they were going to give out. All the tight knots I made were done in silence and I let my mind wander the past years of my life. Everyday was a struggle. I felt like I could never move on to happiness. But now I know I will. Leaving everything behind will make everything better and put that struggle and pain behind me. I'll be happy.
I'll be happy.
Just thinking that gave my skin goose bumps. I'll be happy. A smile crept up on my face, looking down at the floor. It seemed to be so far away from me now. I closed my eyes and took in what would be my last big breath. I stuck my head in the loop and shut my eyes tight. My brain automatically started counting.
1
I lifted my right foot, my sweaty palms holding onto the jump rope around my neck.
2...
I licked my lips and took in another big breath, feeling like the agonizing wait was too long.
3...
And with that, I jumped. I jumped down from the high point, automatically feeling my neck going numb. My first instinct was to fight it, but a few seconds passed and I slowly started to fall into a sweet sweet darkness. My eyes still closed, I could only hear the laughs of the people who always hurt me in my head. The laughs were gone.
And then I knew that I was gone too.
Mom has never cared. All she ever cared about was her alcohol. 'Catherin,' my mother always said. 'Don't be so selfish. You can't just go off willy nilly and hurt yourself. You're just going through a phase. This will all pass.' It's not a phase. I've told her countless times I feel literally empty inside, and that's just not from the anorexia. 'Depression isn't a disease,' she said. 'It's just you begging for attention.' Normally when she said that, it would be followed by a slap in the face.
"Catherin, are you okay?" I heard my math teacher, Mrs. Flynn say to me after the bell had wrung. I shook my head to snap out of my small flashback.
"I'm fine, Mrs. Flynn. See you in detention," I said gathering my things. Once again, I was the last student out of the class. I'm the last one in and the last one out. All the time; it's like a constant habit.
"Oh, actually, Mr. Muller will be holding detention tonight. I ave to go to my son's soccer game. But we can talk right now if you want," she said gathering her things as well. Slinging my trapper over my shoulder, I stared at the blonde 40 year old. She's the only teacher at this horrid school with an actual heart. Why did she care so much about me though? Who ever wanted to talk to me?
"It's okay. I'm fine, really," I reassured her; even throwing in a small smile to show her I'm okay. She nodded, bringing our conversation to a close. I turned on my heel, a long breath coming out of my nose. Now it was time. It was time for me to leave.
--
Later that night, I stayed in school after detention was long over. I stayed passed midnight, and because of my insomnia, I knew I'd get sleepy around 6am. Staying up was easy but staying up late in the girl's locker room with the rats was the issue. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and flipped it open. Yes, flipped. I couldn't afford those fancy phones the other kids have and flip phones work just fine. Besides, no one ever calls me anyways.
It was 5 am, 2 hours before the teachers show up to school to settle out things before the students arrive at 8. I sighed, feeling more ready then I've ever been. Grabbing the jump rope I smuggled from the sports closet, I tied it to the light beam that hung proud above me. Since I was so frail, the benches they had in between the lockers added an extra 3 feet or so. Making sure the not was tight and the light beam was sturdy enough to hold my 98 pounds, I tied another loop, a little smaller than what my neck size is.
My palms began to sweat and my feet suddenly felt like they were going to give out. All the tight knots I made were done in silence and I let my mind wander the past years of my life. Everyday was a struggle. I felt like I could never move on to happiness. But now I know I will. Leaving everything behind will make everything better and put that struggle and pain behind me. I'll be happy.
I'll be happy.
Just thinking that gave my skin goose bumps. I'll be happy. A smile crept up on my face, looking down at the floor. It seemed to be so far away from me now. I closed my eyes and took in what would be my last big breath. I stuck my head in the loop and shut my eyes tight. My brain automatically started counting.
1
I lifted my right foot, my sweaty palms holding onto the jump rope around my neck.
2...
I licked my lips and took in another big breath, feeling like the agonizing wait was too long.
3...
And with that, I jumped. I jumped down from the high point, automatically feeling my neck going numb. My first instinct was to fight it, but a few seconds passed and I slowly started to fall into a sweet sweet darkness. My eyes still closed, I could only hear the laughs of the people who always hurt me in my head. The laughs were gone.
And then I knew that I was gone too.
♠ ♠ ♠
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