The Journal Entries

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about what Oliver said to me the other night. At first I was devastated—and I still am, for the most part—and didn’t really understand how he could say something like that to me. But now, I think I finally get it.

It was my fault; if we take into account the fact that I’m so fucking stubborn.

I do a lot of things that get on Oliver’s nerves. And he tells me that I’m driving him nuts, but for some reason I never stop doing the things that he tells me to stop doing. I’m just too fucking stubborn to take orders, I guess.

Like smoking, for instance. He quit smoking a year or two ago, but I still do it. And every time I light one up, he starts in on me, telling me how bad it is for me and how gross it smells. I always roll my eyes and think, “someday I’ll quit,” but I never do. He would always tell me that it drove him crazy for me to smoke in front of him, because he still occasionally got the craving. But I was always too selfish to actually think about how it made him feel.

Or the fact that he is a vegetarian, and I love to eat chicken. Sure, I could stay away from red meat for the rest of my life. But I refuse to let go of chicken. Sorry. I would always make a chicken dish, and make something else for him. And it really hurt his feelings that I would eat an innocent chicken, which had been tortured before it sat on my plate, even though he begged me not to. Again, I was just too selfish to think about his feelings.

Now that I think about it, I can’t really blame him for doing the things he’s done to me. I want to say that everything was his fault, but I can’t. Because I know that I’m the one who pushed him away.

x,
Carlie