The Journal Entries
6 February, 2012 1543PM
So much for wishful thinking. He texted me this morning, around ten-ish, and told me he was sorry about the phone conversation where he drunkenly called me “the unspeakable.” He told me, word-for-word:
“…and I really don’t remember calling you. But I’m so fucking sorry that I got so pissed and called you that unspeakable word. You know I don’t use it often…”
He’s lying. He uses that word quite frequently, actually, but until then it had only been to describe other girls. He’s never used it in reference to me before. That’s part of the reason that it hurt so bad when he did it.
Quite frankly, I’m over it now. Yeah, it hurt at first, but I really just stopped giving a fuck about what he calls me. This morning I looked in the mirror and thought, “why do I let him tell me what I’m worth?”
But, fuck, I can’t stop thinking about him. As much as I hate him and want to never hear from him again… I love him. So fucking much. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t talked to Samantha again to ask her about medication, but I really think I need it. At first I was kind-of on the fence about it, but I’m sold. I talked to Beck this morning and told her about everything that happened on the phone yesterday and she told me she thought maybe I should just ignore his calls and texts from now on.
But how childish is that? I feel like that’s something I would do in school, not when I’m a grown ass woman. Right?
I guess that’s another thing I can talk to Samantha about in a few days when I see her again. Hopefully he won’t text again before then, because I really don’t think I have the willpower to ignore him.
x,
Carlie
“…and I really don’t remember calling you. But I’m so fucking sorry that I got so pissed and called you that unspeakable word. You know I don’t use it often…”
He’s lying. He uses that word quite frequently, actually, but until then it had only been to describe other girls. He’s never used it in reference to me before. That’s part of the reason that it hurt so bad when he did it.
Quite frankly, I’m over it now. Yeah, it hurt at first, but I really just stopped giving a fuck about what he calls me. This morning I looked in the mirror and thought, “why do I let him tell me what I’m worth?”
But, fuck, I can’t stop thinking about him. As much as I hate him and want to never hear from him again… I love him. So fucking much. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t talked to Samantha again to ask her about medication, but I really think I need it. At first I was kind-of on the fence about it, but I’m sold. I talked to Beck this morning and told her about everything that happened on the phone yesterday and she told me she thought maybe I should just ignore his calls and texts from now on.
But how childish is that? I feel like that’s something I would do in school, not when I’m a grown ass woman. Right?
I guess that’s another thing I can talk to Samantha about in a few days when I see her again. Hopefully he won’t text again before then, because I really don’t think I have the willpower to ignore him.
x,
Carlie