When Everything Feels Like the Movies

A few weeks had passed since Alan had first asked me to be his boyfriend. I could tell he really wanted to just be able to call me his already but I just wasn't ready for that. I mean, we had been on a few dates, and they were great, they really were. I just wasn't ready for a relationship, not when we still barely know each other. I know next to nothing about him except for the few surface details he's told me.
Anyways.
It was nighttime. The last of the sun's rays had just faded into blackness and the air was still a soft sticky warm so we had, laughingly, propped open Alan's peeling window with a few cookbooks. He was curled up against my side as we sat in the warm comfortable silence, occasionally sharing long, slow kisses.
We did this often, nearly every night after I got off work. Rarely was I home anymore but I didn't have a dog to feed, plants to water, needy children in want of food and love so it didn't matter anyways.
Unlike most nights, however, Alan was restless. His thin, pale fingers were worked deep into the folds of my shirt, twisting and untwisting, worrying the black fabric. Normally, he would occasionally let out a soft sigh of contentment and wrap himself closer around me; tonight was different. I decided to break the silence, flexing the arm that was around him.
Alan grumbled, snuggling closer.
"Hey, what's up? You seem restless tonight," I murmured, pressing a kiss to his fiery orange hair.
"Nothing. 'M fine."
I tilted his chin up towards mine with my finger. He looked up at me, big eyes full of an emotion I couldn't quite place.
"Tell me," I said softly, brushing a few strands of hair away from his eyes.
"Austin, I'm fine, nothing's wrong," he irritably pushed my hand away.
I rolled over, holding myself on my forearms over him. I nudged our noses together.
"I'm not going anywhere, I can tell you're upset about something, just tell me already," I insisted.
He scowled, his eyebrows smashing together. He pushed me off him, sitting up.
"Fine. You want to know why I'm so angry? Because I want you so badly and I know you don't want to be my boyfriend and I'm just so frustrated and you're so perfect and I just... I want you and I can't have you and-"
I pulled him into my arms, smushing him against my chest. He continued to protest, his anger being muffled in my shirt.
"I want to be with you. I do. You're so sweet and adorable but I don't know anything about you. Like, nothing and it bothers me! I want to know you, I want to understand you and I just feel like I .. Don't," I spoke against his soft hair, breathing in his scent.
He pushed away from my chest, anger evident in his eyes.
"No one can understand me. They try but no one ever does. They say they do but they don't!"
He raised his hands in frustration and let them fall back onto my chest, a slapping noise echoing through the room.
I sat up, taking his hands in mine, pressing them to my chest. He avoided my searching eyes, searching for a grain of truth. I tugged on his hands, pulling him closer to me.
"Tell me everything. Tell me your secrets and your hopes and dreams and loves. Just tell me your flaws and just... Everything. I won't judge, I promise."
He glared at me.
"This is not up for discussion."
"Alan-"
"No."
I glared back at him, starting to feel the coppery taste of anger on my tongue.
"Fine."
"Fine what."
I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, one at a time.
"If you won't tell me, I'm leaving."
His eyes shot open, his hands scrabbling for mine.
"No! You can't, I-"
"Alan, I can't take not knowing anything about you. I want to know you, I'm really falling for you but I know NOTHING about you. Nothing! After almost a month of hanging out, I don't know anything about you!"
Alan sat back on his heels, knees digging into the bed, his lip trembling.
"Please don't go."
His whisper hung in the air, heavy, tangible. A tear traced his cheek.
I hesitated, my hand on his door handle.
"Please."
I could see his fingers curling into his bedsheets like it was the only thing anchoring him to the earth, his eyes locked on mine like it was the only thing tethering him to sanity.
I sighed.
"Alan, once you decide that I'm worth your time and secrets, call me. Until then, just... Stay away. I can't keep being the only one who's the open book, I can't be the only one who cares."
I walked to his front door, each step weighing heavier and heavier, a force chaining me to this apartment, sucking me back to the room I just left, calling me back.
I forced myself forward, pausing for a split second with my fingers on the worn doorknob before twisting it and letting myself out.
As the door swung closed behind me, I heard a cry of anguish follow me out.