Lost

I shot up from my pillow with a jolt. A cold sweat dripped down my neck, and goosebumps laced my skin. I sighed as I sank back down into our… my bed. I've had the same dream every night since the accident. It’s been 2 weeks since the accident, and that night still haunted me.
The sound of crunching metal and shattered glass still ringing in my ears. How could I have been so stupid, and missed that stop sign? Maybe he’d still be alive. I closed my eyes as a few tears pricked the corners. I tried to fall back to sleep but the mangled mess kept flashing in my mind.
I sighed and got out of bed. I walked down the hall, the memory of his laughter filling my mind.
I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a mug, glancing at the clock on the microwave. 2:30 am.
I made myself some tea and sat on the couch. Memories of him flashing through my mind, I became shaky and dropped the mug. I started sobbing uncontrollably. This was my fault. He was gone because of me.
“I’m so sorry baby” I sobbed looking up at the ceiling
I clung to his sweatshirt that I slept in every night. I cried myself into an uneasy sleep. I woke up the next morning at 7. My body ached and my eyes were puffy from crying. I looked a wreck, I’m sure. I got up and cleaned up the broken glass from my mug and threw it away. Today was the day I dreaded. The day that proved all of this was real and wasn't a dream. Today was the day I buried the love of my life.
I looked at myself in the mirror. A simple black dress was what I was wearing. I sighed and wiped away a stray tear that fell from my eye.
This was really happening. I was really going to put the only person I ever loved in a box in the ground. It was my fault he was there. I shook my head and grabbed my purse, heading to the cab waiting for me downstairs.
It was a dreary day. It set the mood perfectly for the tragic occasion being held. Everyone seemed down, lost, crying hysterically. Me? I was numb. I couldn't feel anything here. Not around all these people. Everyone gave me condolences and hugs. It’s hard hugging people with your arm in a cast. I shouldn't have a cast. I should be in the coffin instead of him.
His mother walked up to me and embraced me. I don’t understand why she didn't hate me. I mean I did cause the death of her son. I let her go and eyed the shiny pine box. I slid my fingers over the polished wood as tears escaped. I kissed my fingers and placed them back on the coffin along with a white rose. I took my place as the pastor began
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining me in laying to rest our beloved brother Zayn Javadd Malik.”