Outsiders

"Don't laugh, I know, I know, it's stupid; what would a popular guy like that do with a weedy little guy like me?" I lowered my head, scrunching my face up as I stared at the words in the textbook. They were all stringing together in one big black mush in his brain, all the words ran together like one long never ending sentence. Jesus, I was lame when I had a crush.

I smiled as Kenneth started speaking; he always was far too kind for someone like me. I never got why he even stuck around being my friend, he had a solid future, all I wanted to do was fuck girls and play on stage. Yet, despite his attempts to put me up, when I looked up, he was the perfect picture of discomfort. That wasn’t like Kenneth to seem that upset, he never got that upset, he was fine a moment ago. He was pretty confusing, but that didn’t stop John from being concerned.

“Kenny, I-“ before I could even finish, he had stood up, rather abruptly at that, and mumbled something about needing a drink before he turned round the corner of the bookshelf leaving. I suddenly felt a lot more uncomfortable sitting alone in the library with text books scrawled in front of me. Then again, I never really fit in the library at all. Kenneth? Sure. He was the dictionary definition of a guy that voluntarily spent time studying, while I lived in band shirts and faded jeans that hadn’t seen a wash in at least a few weeks.

I stood up, turning my head in hope of seeing a flash of scarf, or his over sized hoodie, but a little pit of disappointment settled in my stomach as all I saw was a dusty bookcase. What was the point of even hoping? Kenneth had these moods a lot, and every time I would hang around making sure he wasn’t mad at me, maybe I should just give him space. That’s what people wanted when they felt like that, right? Who was I to even know?

Grabbing my bag from the table, I shoved my notebook into my bag and left the stuffy shit hole that was the library. I only went there for Kenneth, there was no point me sticking around if he wasn’t there. My head twitched slightly as I walked past the bathroom on the way out on the library, I could have sworn I heard a faint whimpering. It was almost as if someone was….crying? I turned towards the door and shuffled closer. It wasn’t Kenneth, right? Should I go in? Just to check he was alright? I mean, if it wasn’t him I could just check my hair and leave, right? As I reached out my arm to push the door open, I saw Tim walk past the glass doors of the library. I looked between the door, and the fast moving figure of Tim.

Kenneth was fine, he could wait.

I knew I should feel bad for leaving my friend, best friend, at that possibly crying in a library bathroom; but Tim, he was just…I couldn’t even describe him. He was so perfect, he had a whole image going on that worked so well for him – the cigarettes, the long hair, the cap too. Sure he may be that stupid cliché bad boy, but holy fuck was I caught up in that image. I knew how utterly lame and stupid I sounded talking about him like this, but he was my honest to God idea of perfection. How could anyone not love a face like that? I was a pure fucking sucker for it. That wasn’t the only thing I wanted to be a sucker for, but those thoughts were best left for when I was home, alone and in my room.

Turning on my heel I almost tripped over my own feet trying to catch up with Tim, my bag slipping over my shoulder as I stopped a few steps behind him, brushing my hair out of my face and calming my pace.

I watched as he reached his friends, he little ‘gang’ or whatever the fuck you wanted to call it. They were an odd group, but without a doubt they were the ‘cool’ kids that everyone looked up to. But Kenneth did tell me to go for it, he always did give good advice. But it could all go horribly, horribly wrong – and I could end up with my ass firmly planted in that crash can in the corner. I was a skinny, weedy looking guitar player. And he was Tim Skold. Tim fucking Skold, and it wasn’t just him – it was him and Brian and Stephen, though people tended to call him Pogo, after a serial killer no less. I had to ask Kenneth about that, he seemed to know a lot about stuff like that. Oh yeah, and there was Jeordie, but no one really counted him. He was a goon, he followed Brian around like a lost puppy. Though, I couldn’t say I was any better following Tim around like this.

Brushing a few strands of hair behind my ear, I tried to calm my breathing down a little as I approached them. I ignored the snicker I heard from Jeordie as I walked over to them, I had nothing to lose, so why not, right?

“What do you want, Lowery?” Tim turned to me before I could even speak, blowing a circle of smoke at my face. I coughed and spluttered a little as I tried to move the smoke out of my face, in vain, much to the amusement of Tim and the rest around me.

“You little faggot,” Brian laughed, Jeordie quickly echoing it as I felt the colour quickly creep up my cheeks as their laughter increased. I was stupid for ever thinking this could even go well. Maybe I could have dealt with Tim rejecting me, but not all four of them, and Jeordie’s fucking hysterical laughing in the background didn’t help things at all.

“And oh look Tim, here comes his nerdy little friend,” Pogo piped up from behind Tim, leaning back against the locker with a cigarette hanging from between his lips.

“They trail around after each other like lost fuckin’ puppies, are you sure you aren’t screwing him behind the bike sheds, Lowery?” Tim sneered at me, before leaning back to blow a few more rings of smoke into the air.

My heart was thumping in my chest as Kenneth approached. I shifted from foot to foot slightly, terribly unsure of what to do. I knew if I went back to the library with him, I’d stand no chance of ever getting into Tim’s little group, and Kenneth knew how much it meant to me, so he wouldn’t take anything too personally, right? But as he approached, I noticed his eyes. His red and slightly poufy eyes, almost as if he had been…crying? Oh, I was probably just being ridiculous.
“Hey John…” he started as he approached, pausing as he heard the snickers from behind me, Tim leaning closer to me a little, his eyes looking me up and down as Kenneth looked back at him with disgust.

“Why did you leave? I am sorry, I was only going for a little bit, I meant to come back. If you want, we can go back and finish off?”

I could hear Jeordie still in hysterics, his laughs horse-like and loud as Brian tried to shield his laughter behind his hand, Pogo just smirking as he looked at Kenneth almost as if he was a piece of shit on the ground. I looked between Tim, and Kenneth. The slight smirk on Tim’s face, and the watery eyes of the guy I called my best friend…

“Why the fuck are you even talking to me?” I said quietly, my voice getting louder as I spoke, looking up to meet Kenneth’s confused and wide-eyed stare.

“But John…I-“ He reached out his arm for me, but I flinched back slightly.

“You fucking nerdy-ass-freak, piss off back to the library and books. They are your only friends after all.” I let out a laugh, if not rather forced, before shoving him back slightly. “Fuck off.”

I could see the hurt well up in his eyes, his eyes so normally full of happiness around me filling with tears as he stumbled back slightly, scrambling to stop the books in his arms from falling out of his grip. I heard laughs of disbelief from behind me, and even if I knew I should feel ashamed, I felt accepted, for once in my life, Tim Skold had fucking noticed me.

Turning away from Kenneth as I heard him walk, almost run, back down the corridor, I saw approving nods from around me. I turned to Tim next to me, his hand out stretched with his lit cigarette hanging from between his limp fingers. Gingerly I reached out for it, placing it between my own lips. The fact this had been between his lips gave me a few feelings where they shouldn’t be, but they were best left ignored.

“You know, Lowery, maybe you aren’t that much of weedy little kid as we thought. You should stick around.”