Outsiders

The buzzing lights seemed green, making me nauseous, like the room was spinning. My reflection was quivering, as in a haze, as if it wasn’t me. But it was me, this thing right there was me, and I was ruining it. Finally, I was destroying myself for good. I had been waiting so long for this moment. I didn’t look, I just shook out more of the tiny white pills from the bottle. Oval, so pretty. Lethal. I had never been that close to death before, either death of myself or anyone else. Who would have known the first funeral I’d attend would be my own? I was excited. Excited about it all to be over. I could barely wait to go to sleep. I had tried some times before, but never got this close. So I swallowed down more of them; putting them on my tongue and washing them down with vodka. Pure, straight from the bottle, liquid in room temperature. In other terms, absolutely disgusting. It was my first time drinking and I already felt it filling my blood system, already felt like throwing up. My parents were out anyway, so they wouldn’t know until they got home, probably seeing another call from my principal on the answering machine, saying that their stupid son had gone home from school again. And they’d come look for me, ready to yell at me what a disgrace I was, as usual, and they’d find me resting on the bathroom floor. Only napping. Dad’s cheap alcohol in one hand and razor blade in the other. Oh dear, it would be beautiful.

I concentrated hard to make my eyes focus on the cupboard in front of me, fumbling for the sleeping pills while I dropped the empty anti-depressant bottle to the floor. The thud it made as it hit the tiles was deafening, staying like a pulsating ringing inside of my head for a long while before I could think again, spilling out the woollen pads and boxes of plasters all over the floor until I found the right jar. I shook more out in my palm, quickly swallowing it down, nearly choking in my rush. I started to get paranoid someone would find me before I had time to do everything needed. I hadn’t written a note which could explain my actions, and I hoped to not need to have to explain them myself, especially not in this kind of state.

Fuck, my whole life had been a struggle. Didn’t they ever realize? Ever since I was a kid they bought me all these goddamn toys, made me go out and meet people. I swear we’d had the whole village at our house for a cup or coffee at least once since I came along. Didn’t they ever see how much I hated it? How much I loathed all those sickening grown-ups with the fake smiles and empty compliments and gazes that stung like daggers? All those things they bought, always the new most expensive ones, everything in an attempt to buy me happiness, an attempt to buy my love. Mom tried so hard to take care of me by buying me clothes meant to be protecting. But nothing could protect me from my own mind. I shouldn’t blame them. My childhood was pitch perfect and after all, all they wanted was a perfect son. But I could never be that and they should have realized. Sure I tried to focus on school, at least being the only one among those jerks with a brain. But it was never good enough. I never played sports, never went out late at night like normal guys my age. Because I never had friends. I never fit in. I always was an outsiders, outside of everything. Outside of every plan of sneaking out and getting drunk down in the park, stealing alcohol, burning the evidence. I had heard them plan, but they never paid attention back. Always this “oh don’t let that freak Kenneth tag along”, and “he’ll ruin everything”. When I brought it up they would always point out I had their phone number and could have called. I never got anyone’s phone number. I guess I always struggled with depression. Well rather, getting worse from time to time, usually people at school being a trigger, mostly Tim. Always alone, with no one to help me get through the day. Always waiting for something worth waiting for. So mom got me the stupid pills to keep me calm, keep me sane. She never even asked what it was that made me so upset. And well, honestly they never even helped much. The only thing that really helped was John. The only person who believed in me and managed to stand up for me, whether he was aware of it or not. He was the rescue I had been waiting for all my life. He gave me a reason to go on, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, a reason to throw away my blades and change the awful mess I had been. He made me feel better for such a long time. I didn’t expect him to be sorry for what he had caused me by leaving me like everyone else had. I guessed I deserved that too.

I realized I had zoned out, and I shook my head and looked up. I was tired, so tired, but I wasn’t finished. I felt tears burning in my eyes. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t going to chicken out now. But it felt as if the whole room was swaying, or maybe it was just me. I was starting to get a hard time standing up. My stomach was in knots, but if I threw up it’d be too late. I would have blown my only chance of getting out of here. I reached my arm out, for the razor blade lying in front of me on the side of the sink, a rescue from a thousand problems, just a gash in the wrist and it’d be over, but my arm felt too heavy to be lifted. Frustrated, I tried again, trying so hard to just reach it. I was so close, but I couldn’t make it. The exit was right in front of me and I couldn’t reach it. But I assumed the pills would put me off by themselves. They had to. They were taking their toll over my body. Making me feel dull and warm. My head was throbbing, my consciousness drifting off, my heart beating slowly, my mind taking a spin with each pound. Suddenly my legs gave in underneath me, and I fell to the floor without feeling a thing. My eyes felt weary and heavy, threatening to close, sure to never open again. I blinked, trying to get adjusted to the light around me again, the shapes, forms, colours, all jolly life. But I felt stuck in a tunnel. A spiral, without light. Without end. Dragging me down in a hole, a void, a vacuum. To emptiness. Comfortably numb. Safe and sound. Like lying in high swaying grass, watching the clouds taking its form upon the light blue sky, surrounded by the mild autumn breeze. Like waves of the sea on a silent summer night, rocking me gently to sleep. I didn’t hear a sound. Everything was silent, as the calm before the storm. But there never would be a storm. Either in reality or inside my head. Everything would always be this quiet now. I could feel it. Pulling me in closer. And I was still so excited. Was I dead? Or was I just asleep? I had unknowingly shut my eyes couldn’t open them anymore. I saw only eternal blackness. No hate, no anxiety. No more tears, no more dread, no more fights. No more stupid love. No more stupid me.

It must have been my unconscious state, maybe a trick played by my brain, perhaps my life flashing by for all I knew, but I suddenly thought I heard John call my name. Somewhere far off, as if I was stuck inside a room and the walls were covered with layers and layers of mattresses. Like a flash of light in the darkness. Of course it wasn’t for real. But that fact didn’t upset me. What upset me was how I couldn’t even have an ounce of peace in my last moment without him bothering my thoughts again. Another thing that upset me was how I had been so happy these last weeks and John’s actions had brought me right back to the bottom again, and now it was killing my excitement for the moment once again. But god, I loved him. I still fucking did.

I suddenly felt so lonely again. The fact that no one would help me. No one cared, even now. Even later, in a casket six feet under. Or as ashes spread out in that dumb autumn breeze. Would John come to my funeral? Would he wear a suit? He’d look so beautiful. He always was so beautiful, he’d look nice in anything really. Like the sweater. I had no time left. No time to even finish my thoughts. I wanted just a few more minutes of this dream state, all my thoughts so pretty and the best I’ve ever had. But I couldn’t. All the sounds vanished, all my thoughts vanished. I felt so light and I guess I simply

shut

down…