Outsiders

“Tick tock Johnny, tick tock. Time’s running out for little Kenny, but then again, maybe you’re too late…”

Tim’s words were ringing in my head as I ran down the tree-lined streets, the emotions in my mind in stark contrast to the calm suburbia I was tearing through. My efforts to block out his voice were in vain. I could still see his cocky little smirk on his face as he stared down at me as if I was a piece of simple-minded shit on the ground. It stirred such anger inside of me. It wasn’t even the fact he used me, I knew I probably should feel a lot more manipulated, but all that was on my mind was Kenneth. I was panicked, I was angry, and most of all; I was terrified. I was angry because Tim knew about the secret Kenneth had tried so hard to keep private; it was a fact he was ashamed of, it was something he hid with long sleeves and pitiful excuses like ‘the cat did it’ or ‘I ran into something.’ Neither Tim nor his group of fucking goons ever needed to know something that made him hate his very person.

The panic and the white-hot fear running through me merged as one monstrosity pounding away at my resolve as I ran. As much as I tried to keep the thoughts out of my head, I really was fighting a losing battle. I had known for months that Kenneth’s mental state was fragile, but it had been on my mind increasingly more and more while we had been apart, especially as I knew I was one of the only things that had kept him grounded. A part of me each day feared walking into school to see an empty spot where Kenneth would be, and a message from his parents saying that he had…no. I wouldn’t even let myself think about that, I had hope. I had to have faith in him. It was the only thing that was driving me forward. He had always been the best thing about me, and maybe I had realized late – but never too late, I wasn’t going to lose him tonight.

My head felt funny and my vision was blurring around the edges slightly as I rounded the block to his house, and I felt another tiny tinge of panic run through my chest as I saw no cars outside. That meant no parents, and no parents meant he was alone in the house and…well I couldn’t even bring myself to think of the mere though that he had done something. I couldn’t live without him, he was my best friend, and as my worn converse thudded against the concrete, I swore to myself if – no, when – I would go in there and I would find him sitting there waiting, I would tell him. I would tell him how much he meant to me. I would tell him I thought of him almost every moment of the day, how I missed him with every part of me as I sat across from him in that dinner hall, how I felt like punishing myself for letting him go – and most of all, I’d tell him how he was the most important thing in my whole life.

As I skidded to a halt in front of his house my eyes shot up to his bedroom window, the hope clinging at my chest that I’d see him standing there, or pacing, just the sight of him would be enough to calm me. Even if he wouldn’t let me in, which I wouldn’t blame him for, at least I’d know he was safe. But I felt that familiar darkness weigh down on my chest as I saw nothing, not even anything move inside of his room. With his parcel still under my arm, I jumped over the fence, approaching the front door gingerly. I was about to reach up for the spare key, but I noticed the door was left ajar, the wind from the autumn afternoon blowing a few stray leaves into his pristine hallway. But this wasn’t right. Everything just seemed so off in the house. Kenneth would never be so careless to leave the door open like this, he was always so incredibly paranoid that something would happen to him if he did. When I would stay at his over night, he would double – if not triple – check that the doors to the house were locked, it was something I never quite understood. He lived in pretty much the best area of town, the crime rate was always nothing, but he was convinced that if there was even a slightest chance an intruder would get in, they would, and it would put him in danger. Of course, I probably should have realized it was a side effect of his mind; I had been blind to so much, far too much.

As I walked up the carpeted stairs I tried to make as little noise as possible, my heart pounding in my ears as I tried to listen for any sound at all that would give a sign of where he was, but it was silent. It was far too quiet for this to be natural. Kenneth always had some sort of music playing, well, it was normally just one band. Manson was pretty much his sound track for whatever mood he was in. I had to admit, I hadn’t been a fan until he started liking the band, but being around him so much sort of made me tolerate it a little more. Now every time I saw Manson, I’d think of him. It was funny how much Kenneth was in my thoughts without realizing, if only I had realized this fucking sooner.

I almost stumbled running to his bedroom when I saw the door hanging wide open, the wood banging against the wall slightly as a breeze came in from an open window on the landing. My heart caught in my throat as my eyes caught sight of something in the opening to his bathroom, his hand. My head felt light and my legs felt weak as I stumbled closer, my hand reaching out for the wall in support as I felt myself buckle under my own weight.

“Kenneth!” His name fell from my lips, cut off by a small cry as I fell down onto the tiled floor next to his body. His face looked ghastly pale, filling me with a fear that it was already too late even though I refused to believe it.. I called his name over and over, it was the only word I could form, it was the only word I could think of. My hands reached out for his shoulders, feeling a slight heat still in his body as I began to shake him, his name mixing with sobs as my efforts becoming more frantic as every moment passed. I blinked quickly to try and clear my eye sight, looking around the bathroom in a blind panic, searching for something, searching for anything that could help. I looked above the sink, and even when I thought my heart could suffer no more, I saw three bottles of empty pills thrown into the basin and a razor blade resting on the edge. My only comfort in that moment was that it was clean, but it wasn’t hard to guess where the content of the empty bottles of pills had gone.

I knew that my desperate cries were not going to wake him by some fucking miracle, and neither would be sobbing over his still body. But still didn’t mean lifeless, there was still some hope left for him, and I wouldn’t fucking give up on him. Not again, not ever. I’d never leave him again, and I should have realized that in the first place; Kenneth was the best thing in my life, and, if he would let me, I wouldn’t leave his side again.

My fingers shakily grabbed his wrist, searching frantically for a pulse in his body, my whole body quivering with the crippling fear I felt running through me. I let out a shaky breath I didn’t realize I had been holding as I felt a pulse in his wrist, it was weak, but it was something. Something was far better than nothing. I stood up on weak legs with my arms hooked under Kenneth’s skinny frame, a pang in my heart as I felt how boney he really had become since we had last been together. I could feel his ribcage gently heaving under my fingers, and he felt as light as lifting a child. I hadn’t realized how much of an affect my leaving had on him, and I hated myself for it.I would have done anything to take his pain away, the pain I had inflicted, and he didn’t deserve any of it. Not one single bit. Yet I, the one who had made my best friend do this to himself, well, I deserved more pain than he could imagine. But I could torture myself for weeks in the future, but I just needed him to be okay. I hauled us both into his bath, his body falling a top mine as my hands felt across the tiled wall for the tap, the cold water pouring down on us both as my own tears began to fall again.

“Don’t you die on me Kenny, don’t you fucking die on me.”

I tried to steady myself as I parted his dry lips, his head falling back against my shoulder as another sob shook my body. I slipped my fingers down into his mouth, curling down his throat sharply as I felt him clench around me. A cough wracked his boney frame as his eyes shot open, his body folding in on himself as I pulled out my fingers. I held back his hair as his face fell between his legs, a mixture of the pills and the alcohol coming spewing out of his stomach into the bath around us both. I was still whimpering as he sat him, my arms clutching him as if he was the last thing keeping me alive. Well it was true, at that moment, he was – he was my point for leaving.

“Kenny…” his face turned to my voice, my fingers still brushing the hair out of his face, a frown tugging at my lips as they ran across a blossoming purple and red bruise around his right eye, his own eyes following the path of my fingers. The eyes I loved to see filled with joy were empty and dark, full of pain and hurt, and it made it worse to know it was me who had put it there. He turned away from me as small sobs shook his body, my arms wrapping around his skinny chest and pulled him towards me, his body sitting between my legs as he cried. My head rested against his as I my hands held onto him so tight my knuckles changed to white, but I wasn’t going to let him go, I would show him he was needed. Show him he had always been needed.

I rocked us both gently, trying to calm him as his cries became stronger. But with shaky hands, I felt his boney fingers trying to slip into mine. I let go of my grip on him as his fingers laced into mine, trying to pull his body closer to mine as my lips rested against the back of his head. My nose brushed against his hair, inhaling the scent I had missed most as I heard him whimper my name, my only reaction was to pull him closer and let him feel I was there. I turned his head slightly, my lips brushing against the side of his head, my fingers trying to brush away his tears as the water from the showerhead slowly dripped to a stop.

I slipped my fingers out from his as I stumbled out of the bath tub, looking down to see Kenneth staring up at me with fear in his eyes, a fear that I would leave him again after all of this. I reached out for him as slipped my arms under his knees and arms, hauling his shaking body out of the bath as I tried to steady my breath. I set him down on the floor before wrapping him in a towel before sinking down onto the floor next to him, my arms wrapping around him as I pulled him to me as more tears began to fall from his eyes. I cradled his body in my arms, unwilling to let him go as he sobbed into my shoulder, my arms wrapped so tight around his back I was almost afraid I would leave bruises.

“I am so fucking sorry Kenny,” my head was buried in his wet hair as I tried to control my now hoarse voice; my own tears beginning to fall again. “I never should have left you for that stupid son of a bitch. You are the best thing about my whole life, and I will never forgive myself for letting you go-“ my voice cut off as I felt more tears stream down my face, mixing with the eyeliner already smudged as I gripped onto him, my own sobs shaking us both.

“I would have left me too,” I heard Kenneth’s faint laugh, mixed with his own tears as he tried to control his voice. All I wanted was for him to feel happy, to not ever have to feel the crippling sadness I felt as I cradled his wet body with both our tears mixing on the bathroom floor.

My fingers found his gaunt cheeks as I pulled back slightly, lifting his face up to meet my own.

“Don’t ever say that Kenneth, you are worth everything in this whole world to me.” My voice was quiet, but as I spoke I saw a tiny spark of life reappear in those dark brown eyes I loved, a small glimmer of hope in my words for him. Despite everything I have done, I thanked whatever God there was that I could give him that hope. The hope that could keep him alive, the hope that gave me the strength to admit what I should had a long time ago.

“Kenny, I love you.”