Sequel: A New Start

Diary Entries

May 17th, 2013

Lately, I've felt like I could trust Lights when I complain about Lucy, but now I'm beginning to realize that maybe I shouldn't. In the end, I know that she's just out to impress everyone she comes across and if that means talking shit about someone or complementing someone or telling a secret to intrigue someone, she will do it. I need to stop trusting people so easily. It increases my anxiety when I found out that someone's told someone something that that someone shouldn't have been told. I really don't want anything to do with Lucy. And I need to get over Lights ASAP because this will never ever work. Ever. As much as I daydream about it and wish for it to, it will NEVER work. Ever. I need to stop. And I need to stop caring about Lucy and Austin and whatever they're doing. I just need to be separated from them for about 2 years and I'm good. I was hoping that after this year, I won't ever have to see either one of them again (and this is what I told Lights this morning.) Now, I feel like Lights told them that and they're thinking all sorts of things and talking so much shit about me. I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut. I thought I already figured that out, but I'm beginning to feel too comfortable around Lights and our friend, who I still haven't made a character. Maybe it was her who told. (Honestly, she's not too bright.) She might have spilled it out? But I NEED TO STOP as soon as I possibly can. And I need to keep to myself. Separate myself, etc. etc. etc. I need to stop caring about these people who truly could (and some of them already have) forget about me in an instant. I accept the love I think I deserve and right now, I think I need to convince myself that I deserve better than these dramatic, immature, insecure, lame ass motherfuckers ok. I need to love myself more and not worry about these petty things. In the back of my head, none of it really means much to me, but for some reason, I still get the "heart sinking into my stomach" feeling whenever something happens and my breathing gets shortened. I hate them because they do that to me. They're choking me without even laying a finger. I hate them and I hate it and without them, I would be without it and that is why I can't wait until I can never see them again, but now I might because I might be going to the same community college as the two that I can't stand the most ughhhhh. I hate myself.