Diary Entries

I was really striving to remain happy this morning, but it's already not working out. I'm just so fucking lonely and I honestly don't know what to do about it! I feel like maybe if I hung out with friends more often, I wouldn't feel like shit, but then again, when I do hang out with my friends, it doesn't really make a difference. I just constantly feel like complete shit. Worthless. As if my life is completely pointless and I'm living this boring life for no reason whatsoever. What is my reason to be alive? What am I supposed to accomplish and why is it taking so long for me to start accomplishing it? I just need an answer to why I'm so sad when my life isn't too bad. Is it depression? I do think of suicide from time to time, but I know that I'd never ever go through with it. Mostly because of my family. I couldn't do that to them. I don't really know why I mean so much to them in the first place, but I know if I took my live, I'd be taking theirs, too. And they deserve to be infinitely happy.
Then, there's my best friend, Mila, who I'm staying alive for, but she hasn't been to interested in being in my life lately. I feel like there's a lot that she isn't telling me and that's freaking me out. Her and I are supposed to be best friends until we die, but she's been hanging out with other friends more and maybe it's just the territorial friend coming out in me or jealousy? She's seeming so much happier than me. She's hanging out with a ton of friends. She has much more than I do...
I don't know how to feel. Maybe I'm paranoid? Maybe just anxious about I don't know what. But I'm sick and tired of feeling like this and it needs to end here. I just need a little help and motivation, I guess?
I don't want to feel sad as soon as I wake up to the time I fall asleep.