I'll Be Your Safety

There was no explanation to how I found out. I suppose I should have gotten the hint within those oblivious four months, but it was only recently when I realized it.

The first sign might have been the missed periods. I knew I was irregular, but not that irregular. I had been very consistent since I had Ethan; from the fourth to the ninth every single month. I seemed to have dismissed even the slightest possibility then, nervously calling it ‘just another late’.

The second was definitely the vomiting. When Niall was sick, I managed to double over quite a few times after smelling something gross, or watching him get sick. But I set aside those few times as just a bug I caught from Niall. After all, I was sick almost every day when I was with Ethan.

But the third sign was like a punch in the face. Well, maybe not a punch. More like a gentle prod.

At first I thought it was the stress from the new job. I had only been working there a few months, and was already staying extra hours, while running through up to three babysitters a day to watch over Ethan. The job was extremely stressful, and in the late hours I was actually home, I almost never got to spend them with Ethan. They were usually spent sitting in front of the television, watching bad TV on low volume, and eating my way through a two-liter tub of Hagen Dazs extra cookie dough ice cream. I managed to finish it in less than a week.

Then there were the cravings. The crazy, if I don’t eat this right now I’m going to cry for an hour straight cravings that made me run across the street to the convenience store at two a.m., immensely fearful, to buy a bag of all dressed chips. I hate all dressed chips.

So when I started to gain the weight, naturally I blamed it on the Hagen Dazs and Ruffles, since I had consumed an innumerable amount since Niall had left. I would empty the trashcan and cringe at the scrunchy noises the foil potato chip bags made when they were crushed.

But once I had gained a good five pounds, I started to get self-conscious. Really self-conscious. Every day I would glare at my fuller stomach and flabbier legs and curse the invention of junk food. Afterwards I would go eat another bag of chips and cry over my weight gain at four in the morning. I rarely slept anymore.

But one day, after a very long almost three week long bout of refusing to even glance at my body in a mirror, I hopped on the scale and realized I had gained a whopping fifteen pounds. This was not happening. Immediately I stripped down to my underwear to scowl at my unflattering body shape. But once I did, I noticed something. I noticed that not only were my legs, arms and bum still the same size; I noticed that all the weight had started piling up around my abdomen. But it wasn’t your usual run of the mill belly fat. It was a bump. A round, hard bump that stuck out no more that five inches. And that’s when it hit me.

I was pregnant.

Naturally, I had fallen into another bout of early morning tears that shook my whole body and left me lying on the tiled bathroom floor. Normally, I would have cried for thirty minutes, tops. But the raging hormones weren’t on my side that night. I must have sat there, crying my eyes out and cursing at myself for being such an idiot, for a good two hours. Two hours. Ethan was awake by the time I had concluded my self-depreciating; so I cleaned myself up the best I could, and trudged over to his room to feed him.

It was a Sunday, which meant I had the day off. I looked at the calendar as Ethan chowed down on dry cheerios and banana. Niall would be home a little less than a month. I sighed, and set my gaze once again on Ethan. When he noticed I was watching him, he paused his eating for a moment, smiled, and started calling my name. I pinched his cheeks and fed him, my cell phone lying ominously on the counter top.

Oh, how I wanted to just simply call Niall up and spill everything. From the late night munchies runs, to the unstoppable crying; but I held myself back. This was definitely not the kind of news you text someone at seven in the morning. So somehow I managed to hold back, and contain the news within myself.

Since I had no plans today, I decided to take Ethan out to the park. He loved the park. From the swing sets that could bring him all the way up to the sky, to the dogs that he would chase after.

Once he was done eating, I changed him into a pair of pants and a little blue striped shirt. Reluctantly he wore his jacket over it, since it was getting cold outside. He brought his plane with him, and we walked down the street to the park.

It was a relatively small park, which filled itself with crowds of small children from the neighborhoods nearby. It had a very large play structure, which was its most appealing factor to all the children. Immediately Ethan darted for the empty swing, clutching its sides and jumping up and down. I followed him before hoisting him into the bucket as he cheered. He slipped his feet through the holes of the swing, and started waving them around. I pushed the swing, smiling as Ethan cheered with delight. We spent a good thirty minutes on the swings until Ethan got bored and asked me to take him to the slides. He slid down a few times, then started getting inventive sliding down on his stomach. I stopped that as I noticed him start to go down headfirst. I couldn’t help it; mommy mode kicked in the moment he tried experimenting.

We ended up on the see saw, equally tired out from the hour and a half long excursion we took. I carried him home, since his tiny legs decided they didn’t want to. After I put him down for a nap, I decided to clean the house up. I scrubbed the counters and the windows; mopped the floors and cleaned out the fridge. I whistled quietly to myself as I did so, secretly wishing Niall was here so I had someone to talk to. As much as I hated to admit it; it was pretty lonely here in London. I didn’t really know many people other that Niall’s friends or work colleagues. All my Toronto friends called quite irregularly, and we slowly lost touch. I actually started to find myself waiting for Niall to call, just so I could hear his voice.

Niall

I called Liv pretty late at night. My chances were she was already asleep, but I decided to try and call her anyways. The boys were all out clubbing, so I sat in my room on my computer, doing work. By the time midnight rolled around, I decided not to wait in the kitchen for the party animals to come back.

It rang twice before she answered. Her voice was laced with sleep, and I would practically hear her stretch her arms out.

“Ni?”

“Liv? Hey.”

“What are you doing?” She asked. Her voice seemed tense.

“You alright? You sound tense.” I asked nervously.

“Oh, sorry. I’ve got a clay mask on right now and if I talk normally I’ll crack it.” She laughed stiffly.

“Now why on earth are you giving yourself a mask at six in the morning?”

“Gotta look sexy for Ethan. You know how it is.” I started laughing.

“Fine, you caught me. I take full advantage of the hours when there’s no one in the house to beautify myself.” I heard her walking around, and the water start to run.
“Alrighty, I’m washing this shit off my face now. You may hear some garbled noises. That is me half drowning due to the fact that beauty requires much more effort that I’m usually willing to put in.”

I started laughing. It was almost refreshing hearing Liv swear. I imagined what she was doing as I heard some strangled coughing and splashing around.

“You alright?”

“Just chipper.” She choked. I heard something fall to the ground. “Shit, where’s the towel? Fuck. Fucking-“ I heard something else drop to the marble floor, creating a large crash. I imagined her walking around aimlessly; her eyes squeezed shut and her arms flailing out in front of her.

“Have you found the towel yet?” I called out after a long moment of silence.

“Yup.” The soft fabric muffled her voice. “Damn, it didn’t even do anything. Why don’t I look sexy yet?”

“I may not be a girl, so don’t take my word on this, but don’t masks take a couple days of constant use before they do something?” I walked to the living room, deciding to catch up on some television.

“Well, I suppose. But I just want it to work now. I’m a very impatient person when it comes to this kind of thing.”

Just as I was flicking channels I heard heavy footsteps and slurred laughter. I turned around and noticed Alfie, Ross and Nathan trudge down the hallway. Ross and Nate paused and started breaking out into fits of laughter while Alfie walked up behind me.

“You still there?” Liv asked.

“Yeah, the boys just got back; gimme a sec.” I replied quickly.

“Who ya on the phone with?” Alfie asked. He was always the most sober whenever they came home from partying. Not that he wasn’t drunk, but he seemed to have the self control the other boys lacked. They always tripped into the apartment completely shit faced.

“Olivia.” I nodded. The phone was still pressed between my ear and shoulder blade, so I moved it and placed it in my lap.

I still found it odd how they set me up in the flat with all these boys. I guess they needed someone to watch them, since they didn’t trust a hoard of teenage boys in New York on their own.

“Who’s he on the cell with?” Ross called out.

“His girlfriend.” Alfie replied. “Anyways, were heading off to bed. Colton and Hugh are still out.”

I put the phone back up to my ear, not even bothering to correct what he called Liv and I’s relationship. They were too shit-faced to remember anything. The first thing I heard was Olivia’s maniacal laughter, which sounded quite echoey from being in a bathroom.

“What?” I smiled.

“Nothing.” I could practically hear her smirk.

“All right…” I drawled out skeptically.

“I’m gonna put you on speaker in the kitchen while I go and see if Ethan’s awake.” I heard some bumping around as she placed the phone down. I sat staring at the images on the TV. Even though it was on silent, I still watched it for the sake of having something to look at.

“Dada?” Ethan called into the phone.

“Hey Ethan. How are ya?”

He started giggling, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, bud. But I’ll be back before you know it.”

He cheered.

“Are you and mummy having fun?” I propped my feet up on the coffee table.

“We went to the park today!” he said enthusiatcally.

“What did you go on?”

“The swings and the slide and the teeter totter.” He giggled. Ethan found the word teeter-totter quite bizarre.

“Well, have fun for me, alright?”

“Ok. I love you, daddy.”

“Love you too, Ethan.” I heard Liv in the background, telling him what to with the phone.

“Ok, bye! Mummy wants to talk to you.” There was some shuffling around on the other line before Liv’s voice was back on the line.

“Ni?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve gotta get ready for work. Can I call you again later? When I get home?”

“Alright. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye, Ni.”