When You Are Away From Me It's Harder to Breathe

All long distance relationships are hard. Especially when there’s an ocean between you two most of the time. Canada and the UK weren’t close. It’s even harder when you’ve only been with your boyfriend in person once.

And maybe the fact that he’s also a part of one of the biggest boy bands since The Beatles makes it a little bit harder too.

I met Harry a little over a year ago while I was on vacation in Los Angeles to go to Disneyland and Universal Studios. He was in town for business, and we happened to be staying in the same hotel. We kept running into each other in passing all week, and finally on both of our last days, he convinced me to spend some time with him.

We had dinner in his hotel room and talked and laughed all night, getting to know each other. I didn’t know then that we’d actually stay in contact and become whatever we were now. We talked every day when we could. Through phone calls, texts, skype, facebook, anything that we could fit in between our busy schedules.

It sucked not being able to touch someone you’re in love with (not that I had told him I loved him, I was too nervous to say it). Go on dates, having little fights without worrying about if you’d be able to work it out after, worried they wouldn’t pick up the phone. On top of that, we had to keep it a secret. Only my close friends and family knew, but to the rest of the world, Harry Styles was single.

My last class of the day ended at 5. I made the 10 minute walk home to my apartment and flung my bag on the floor in utter exhaustion. I kicked my shoes off and threw myself on the couch. I laid there in silence for a moment before my phone beeped with a text.

From: Haz
home yet? ;)

I couldn’t fight the smile that crept on my face as I texted him back that I was.

From: Haz
Skype date?

I shot off the couch after I texted him to give me 10 minutes. I pulled my clothes off as I ran to my room to change into something way cuter than my sweats that I wore to class. I threw on my jeans and a cute tank top that made my boobs look great. After I was sure this was what I wanted to wear when I saw Harry on webcam for the first time in days, I rushed to the bathroom to do my makeup. It wasn’t much, just eyeliner and some lipstick, but it was enough to make me happy with my appearance.

When I pulled my laptop open as I sat on my bed, almost instantly I had a skype call from Harry. I clicked connect and his smiling face appeared on my screen, “That was 12 minutes. You lied to me.”

I smirked, “I’m sorry, I had to make sure I looked presentable.”

He rolled his eyes at me, “You always look good love, you don’t need to try.”

“Such a suck up.”

“Not a suck up,” he argued, “I just tell the truth.”

I laughed, “Alright, fine. So how was your day? It’s like, 10 there.”

“It was good,” he shrugged. “Had to be up early to do Grimmy’s show, then just had rehearsals. Bit knackered really.”

“Aw,” I cooed, “Then maybe you should be sleeping.”

“And miss this beautiful face? I think not,” he protested. I blushed, despite myself. “How was your day?”

I shrugged, “Just been in class since 7am.”

“Sounds like you’ve had a long day too.”

I nodded, “I have. I want a nap.”

“Then take one. No, come here and we can cuddle.”

My heart dropped when he said that. I pouted, “I wish I could,” I said softly.

He smiled softly, “I’ll visit as soon as I can babe.”

“When is that Harry? We’ve been doing this for a year and I haven’t seen you.”

He ran a hand through his mess of curls, tugging on them a bit, “I don’t know. We’ve got a lot going on right now.”

I sighed, trying not to let my emotions get the best of me, “I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No, it’s fine. I feel the same way. I’m always trying to find a long enough break in my schedule to come see you, it’s just,” he sighed, “So much keeps coming up.”

The more he kept talking about it, the more I felt like I was going to cry. This is what I’ve been dealing with for a year and it sucked. I sniffed trying to hold back the tears, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Hey, don’t cry. Please don’t cry, I can’t bear to see you cry.”

I ran my fingers under my eyes to catch the tears before they fell, “I’m not, I’m okay. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He looked distraught, and I got irritated at myself because I knew I was the reason for it. “We’re gonna see each other soon. I promise.”

“Don’t make that promise right now.”

He winced, “No, I’m promising it. Because I can’t go much longer without holding you.” He bit his lip, he looked like he wanted to say something more, but didn’t know how to say it. He sighed and ran a hand over his face.

“What?”

He sighed again, “I… I love you. Okay? I hate that I have to say this over skype and not actual face to face, but I have to. I can’t hold it back anymore. I love you Anna.”

I was at a loss for words. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, like I wasn’t expecting this at all.

“Anna,” he looked distraught again, “Don’t just sit there, please say something. Please.”

I shook my head to shake myself out of my daze, “I uh… Do you mean that?”

I saw him gulp, “I’ve never been more serious about something in my life,” he said softly.

I sat there some more, just processing what just happened, what he just said. The smile started spreading across my face before I realized it, “Harry!” I exclaimed. “Oh my god, is this real life?!”

He looked at me like I had two heads, “Anna, what are you doing? I tell you I love you and you ask me if this is real life? You’re killing me babe!”

“I’m sorry,” I laughed, “I just… I love you too. I was just terrified to say it before.”

The smile that broke across his face knocked the wind out of me. I don’t think I had ever seen him so ecstatic before! “Thank god! You had me worried for a moment there.”

“Sorry,” I giggled, “You caught me off guard!”

He stared at me a few moments with a dopy grin on his face before groaning, “Now I want to kiss you so badly! Or holding your hand, I’d settle for just that!”

“Believe me, I feel the same,” I said, leaning my face on my hand. The longing for him had intensified tenfold in the last 5 minutes. “Let’s not talk about it, change the subject.”

“Fine. So when’s spring break?”

I sighed, grateful for the new topic, “I’ve got two classes tomorrow and then I’m done for a week.”

He nodded, “Any big plans?”

I shrugged, “Not really. Just playing it by ear I guess.”

“Well I’m sending you a package, so look out for that.”

I smiled getting excited, “What are you sending me this time?”

“Oh, just some tea, and other amazing English things.”

“I can’t wait,” I laughed.

Harry and I spend hours on webcam. Until 3am for him and 10pm for me. We didn’t want to say goodbye, we didn’t know when the next time we’d have time to Skype would be, so we may have been overdoing it.

“I love you Anna,” He said when we were saying goodbye, “I love that I can say that now.” His smile killed me, in a good way.

I tried to hide my smile, but it was pointless, “I love you too Harry.”

He beamed even more, “And I love hearing you say it back. Sweet dream’s love,” I noticed how tired he looked when he said that.

“Goodnight Haz.”

“Call me in the morning, yeah?”

I nodded, “Always.”

*****

The next few days were pretty uneventful. Friday I had my last few classes before spring break, and now I was on vacation from books and essays and tests. It was much needed!

Harry and I hadn’t had any time to Skype since the other night, his schedule was too busy. In fact, even phone calls were minimal, and short at best. We were stuck with constant texting between his busy days and my lazy ones.

Today though, I was in a terrible mood. I hadn’t heard from Haz all day and all my texts to him had gone unanswered. I knew he was busy, but it still sucked. It wasn’t hard to send a quick text telling me he was busy, it really wasn’t!

I had spent my day trying to occupy myself, by going shopping with my friends and getting lunch. They noticed my sour mood, but didn’t comment on it. They were used to these moods I got in every once in a while. Happened every time I had a fight with Harry or if, like today, I hadn’t heard from him.

I tried to call Harry once I got in, but it went straight to voicemail, which only fouled my irritation. Admitting defeat, I threw my phone on the bed and took a long hot shower, ridding my mind of Harry and trying to decide if I really wanted to order a pizza for dinner or not.

After I got out, I changed into yoga pants and a tank top and threw my hair in a messy bun, which cause my bangs to fall around and in my face. When I grabbed my phone to order a pizza it started ringing in my hand. Harry’s name flashed on my screen.

“What,” I snapped when I answered.

“Hey, what’s with the tone?”

I huffed, “I haven’t heard from you all day Haz!”

I heard him sigh, “I’m sorry, my phones been acting weird, and I’ve been swamped all day.”

“Whatever,” I sighed.

I heard him groan, “Are you home? Can you talk?”

“Yes but-” someone knocked on my door. I stared walking towards my door, “Hold on someone’s at the door.” When I opened it I almost dropped my phone.

“Hey,” he said.

Harry. Harry was standing at my doorstep, with a duffle bag hanging off his shoulder, and a nervous smile on his face. He ended the phone call and slipped his phone in his pocket, “I told you I was busy today. I just left out the part about flying to see you.”

I wanted to speak, say anything, but I was speechless. Instead I moved aside and let him walk in. I shut the door as he passed through the threshold and he dropped his bag by the wall before turning back to me, “Are you going to say something?”

“I uh…” I stammered, “You’re here.”

He nodded, “I am.” He looked unsure of himself, something that I’d never expect him to ever be.

I wish I could get my brain to work, but I was like in shock or something, “You… Why didn’t you tell me?”

He swallowed hard, “It was kind of a spur of the moment decision. One minute we were on the phone, the next we had hung up and I was booking a flight.”

I took a small step towards him. He was only a few feet from me, in tight black jeans, white v-neck and a grey hoodie with a grey beanie on his head. He looked good. Real good. I took a few more steps closer to him so there was only a small space between us. Hi bit his lip as he watched me, completely still like he wasn’t sure what to do. I tentatively reached over and ran my finger down his hand. He turned his over slowly and laced our fingers together.

“You’re really here,” I whispered, staring down at our hands.

He lifted our hands, and kissed the back of mine softly, “I really am.”

When he said that, it’s like something in me snapped to life. I sprang at him, throwing my arms around his shoulders, crushing myself to him. His arms locked around my waist as he buried his face in my neck. “I can’t believe you’re here!” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“Believe it,” he said before I felt him place a kiss below my ear. It sent chills all over my body. That, and when he kissed my hand, were the first times his lips were on me.

He pulled away slightly and rested his head on my forehead, “Hey,” he said softly, looking into my eyes.

“My hearts beating really fast.”

He smirked softly, “So’s mine.” He brought my hand up and pressed it to his chest, “See?” I could feel his heart hammering away just like mine was. With his other hand he brushed part of my bangs out of my eye, “I love you,” he whispered.

A smile broke across my face, “I love you too.”

“I really want to kiss you.”

My heart did flip flops when he said that. I was going to have a heart attack, I was sure of it! “I really want to kiss you too,” I said back.

Both of his hands came up to cup my cheeks. He ran his thumps across my cheekbones, then ran one across my bottom lip. “This will be our first kiss,” I could feel his breath on my lips as he spoke softly.
In response, I stood up on my toes and arched my face to reach his lips. The met tentatively, like we were both not sure what to do with our lips. The kiss was slow, but sweet and everything I imagined it’d be. His hands moved slowly down to my neck before going down to wrap around my waist, pulling me against him.

We broke apart way sooner than I wanted. We made eye contact briefly before I pulled his face back down to mine. This kiss had more force. All the pent up aggression that had built up over the year was all pouring out in this moment. When our tongues met, it only got more intense. Heat spread through my whole body, and I fisted his shirt trying to get him closer to me.

His lips found their way down to my neck, where he bit down teasingly. I let out a moan which caused him to pull me closer to against him. I pushed my hands under the hoodie resting on his shoulders, shoving it off him. He removed his hands from me, letting the jacket fall to the floor, then his lips were back on mine, completely taking my breath away. His hands slipped under my shirt, letting his finger tips rest on my hips.

He pulled away from my lips, his breath ragged. He rested his forehead back on mine, his lips were still closed, “We need to slow down, or I won’t be able to stop.”

“I… I don’t want you too,” I whispered, almost embarrassed.

His eyes shot open at my words, “Anna,” his voice came out almost like a warning.

“Harry,” I said. Then I leaned in and kissed along his neck.

He groaned, “You’re making being a gentleman so hard right now.”

“You fly across the ocean, and show up at my door Harry, what you think I was going to do?” I leaned up and kissed his lips lightly, “I want you. I don’t know when we’ll get a chance like this again.”

“I want you too,” he said against my lips, “but only if you’re sure.”

I pulled back and smiled up at him. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hall to my room. I pulled him so we were standing against my bed, “I’m sure.” I reached down and pulled off my tank top, leaving me in only my yoga pants.

Harry’s eyes filled with lust as he looked over my body. His hand came up and stopped right under my breast, caressing my skin, “I love you Anna.”

“I love you too Harry,” I said before he lips crashed to mine. He was being so careful with me, soft touches and caresses. I grabbed on of hands and pressed it against one of my breasts, to enforce, again, that this is what I want. He groaned, biting down on my bottom lip.

I reached down and pulled his shirt off. He stepped back and raised his arms in assistance. Once it was off, his beanie off with it, I dropped it down by our feet.

He guided me down to lie on my bed, and he crawled slowly on top of me, “You’re beautiful,” he said as he brushed hair off my face.

His words caused me to blush. He was looking at me so intensely and so full of love and lust I couldn’t handle it.

We undressed slowly, in between kisses and caresses. I’ve had sex before, but nothing like this. This was… this was more like making love. It was exciting and a bit terrifying all at the same time.

Once we were both completely naked, and the condom was rolled on, we were under the covers. “Are you ready?” he asked me softly.

I nodded, “Yeah.”

He leaned down and kissed me softly before he leaned back up to support himself on his forearms.
He kept his eye contact with me as he pushed himself inside of me, causing me to groan, but I never shut my eyes. I think the eye contact we kept as he started rocking into me made everything so much more intense. I never wanted this feeling to end.

I had been waiting over a year to be this close to him, and now that I was, I don’t know how I’d ever go back to not seeing him, or touching him.

To push these thoughts from my mind, I reached up and pulled his face to mine in a kiss as I rocked my hips up into his to match his thrusts.