Submerged in Water

"I thought all Enders believed in fate? That they saw it clearly and followed it to the T?" I persisted.

He shrugged. "Maybe in your Ender textbook or catalogue we are all supposed to but there are a few of us who look at it almost like a religion. We see it and respect it but a part of us still doesn't truly believe in it."

I circled him so that I was standing directly in front of him. "So you don't then?"

He shook his head, almost sadly. "No, but Scott does." He gathered all the taro roots in one hand and started walking back into the direction we had come from. I followed after him.

I watched him walk through the forest in his boxers and I swear I almost had an out of body experience. The whole scene, with him and our talk, almost seemed unreal. A breeze came through the trees that came from the sea, the last time I had experienced a gust of air that powerful was when I had been battling Rune the previous morning. I realized I missed him but I still was hurting.

The breeze ruffled Jonathan's curly already-disheveled hair and I watched it in a trance-like state. He turned around to glace at me just then and I stopped at how beautiful the scene looked. He stopped too, in mid stride and turned around.

He stared at me for a few seconds, hesitating. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He finally found them. "You make me want to believe."

I blinked. "What?"

"Believe in fate. You make me want to believe in it."

The typical response to that question would be 'why?' but I felt like I already knew the answer to that question. Robyn had said that people were somehow drawn to me, he couldn't help but be my friend and in a way, I felt bad about that. It was almost like I was controlling or manipulating them. But it wasn't like I could control it. If I could, I would try to. Simply so that I could make true friends.

I wondered if he knew about the effect I had on people and if he did, would he still feel so entranced by me? I know I felt good when I was around him. I enjoyed being around him, even if he could be a bit innapropriate and childish sometimes. It was different, everyone around me was always so serious and grouchy. It was nice change of pace for me.

Maybe that was what I needed right now. Someone who I could laugh with. Someone who gave me hope for the future and made the time right now, where everything seemed to just be layered in shit, a whole lot better.

Only a few seconds had passed. "I believe in you, Jonathan." My throat felt tight. "I heard somewhere that 'a person often meets their destiny on the road they took to avoid it.'" I licked my lips. "I don't think we need to try and solve things. They will solve themselves. It will find us and fate will work its magic. If it does or doesn't exist, our destiny will still unfold and with it, our future."

"It doesn't matter to you that you might not have control of your destiny?"

"Not if I believe that I do."

"Ignorance is bliss then, I suppose." His voice full of sorrow.

"Isn't this the whole issue of knowing all over again?" I pressed. "Isn't that the reason why you give everyone a choice of whether or not they want to know their soul mate? Because not knowing is sometimes easier."

He opened his mouth to speak but I had stumped him. "You're right." He whispered.

"I know you fight it, Jonathan." I walked closer to him until I was only a few inches from his face and his deep green eyes. "I know you try to run away from your Ender instincts and your heritage. I know that's where your trouble lies. You're in the gray area, where you want to believe but you still don't know yet."

Pain clouded his eyes. "You don't understand, Emele."

"Then explain it to me."

"It... it hurts." His voice broke. "The world loses it's sense of wonder when you realize that it's all just a board game that needs to be played out according to plan. I lived that way for a few years, knowing every aspect of every decision I made and the world around me became meaningless. There was no surprise or excitement. I felt empty. It took me a while to feel emotions after that. It was like I had given up on that part of me that was human. Like I had given up on humanity altogether."

"Is this the way all Enders feel or just you?" I had to know.

"I think they all feel that way but most of them are so far gone that they don't have an ounce of humanity left to pull themselves back out again. They don't have any emotion left to know that they miss it. The knowledge that lies under the surface can be addicting sometimes. Knowing the answers is tempting enough as it is."

"So you do shut yourself off from the answers?"

He nodded slowly. "They are all around us." He looked around like he could see paintings of art slathered across the bushes and the trees. "They are images and feelings that come to us." He grabbed my hand and started tracing my knuckles with his fingers. "I pushed them out now and have attuned myself to the ones that are absolutely necessary. Ones that I need to know to keep me alive, keep me safe or could pertain to the safety of others. I've gotten so good at it now, since it's the only thing I focus on, that I know something is happening around you."

"Around me?"

"It scares me." He whispered the sentence. "Scares me to death, because I don't know what it is and I think that maybe if I hadn't shut out that part of me I would be able to figure it out and-"

"No, no Jonathan, don't think like that." I begged him, bringing my other hand up to stroke his cheek and comfort him. "I like you the way you are now. You wouldn't be here now if you were the emotionless-Jonathan."

"I see it in Scott sometimes. I tried teaching him, but he likes to know the things that are around him just as much as I used to. He's hung onto his humanity well enough to keep a girlfriend anyway." He smiled at that.

I giggled a little. "I don't hear Aubrey complain so... I think they're happy." I blew out a huge breath. "God, Enders are so confusing and complicated."

He giggled along with me. "Uhg, I know. I feel like the drama-queen of the supernatural world."

Staring up at Jonathan, I became self conscience in the most stupid way possible. I saw how beautiful he was, with the prominent jaw line and the deep green eyes. The sexy come-fuck-with-me smile. He radiated male sexuality and honestly, I knew why women threw themselves at him now. I couldn't imagine myself being with him, simply because I could never match up to his unmistakable beauty.

Layla had said that I was hot but that was before she had ever laid eyes on Jonathan and oh God... Layla! If she knew that thoughts I was having about Jonathan, she would disown me as a friend. She had eyes for him and him alone. Should I try to stop this from happening?

He was staring down at me and moving an inch closer to my face every few seconds. I was mentally freaking out, debating whether I should let this happen or not. If it did happen, Inna would probably come in a week later and say that he's my long-lost brother or something. How awkward would that be? Uhg, I'm thinking too much.

I closed my eyes. Not because I wanted to savor the kiss but because staring at his face made me not able to think about what I truly wanted. Being on an island with a model of a male after just being rejected and then drama-bombed could bring out emotions. Emotions that wouldn't be there otherwise.

But I did like him. A lot. But it was different from the way I liked Rune. Rune made me feel comfortable and secure. I wasn't ever physically attracted to him, at least, not that much anyway. When I was under the effects of the hydrangea, yes, but that was for good reason. Maybe that's why I had trusted him. Maybe I had always secretly known that Rune wasn't supposed to be my lover. Rune was supposed to be my cousin, my brother and my friend. He was supposed to be there for me, like blood should be and that was it.

The attraction I felt for Jonathan was different. It was deliberate, sexy and even though he made my blood boil and my heart race. I realized now that those were the feelings that I was supposed to have. I was supposed to want him, body, mind and soul. In any way possible. As much as I could.

And boy, did I want him.