Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die – Buddha

Chapter 6

I woke up the next morning because the tent was boiling hot from the sun. I could have slept for a hell of a lot longer, but the heat was unbearable. But...hell, I couldn’t complain. It was the first sound sleep I had since my group was overrun.

And then my heart sank. I find that sometimes, after like, an amazing sleep, when you wake up you kind of forget your troubles when you wake up the next day. You could of have a huge fight with someone the night before, then wake up and forget it for even a few moments, and just for a second you feel like everything is perfect. And then reality hits you directly in the face.

I stared up at the roof of the tent and sighed. I remembered the night before and felt tears start prickling my eyes. Micah. Micah was a zombie, and now Micah was dead. I don’t know how else to say it, there’s no beating around the bush, there’s no ‘oh there’s a possibility that’s he’s alive.’ No. He’s gone, and I...I couldn't forgive myself.

I tried to shake the thoughts from my head, but it was damn near impossible. It’s not something you can shrug off and not think about anymore. I sat up and grabbed my duffle bag, I opened it up and pulled out some new clothes, I changed quickly in the tent into my shorts and t-shirt. I grabbed my dirty clothes and unzipped the tent flap. I crawled out and looked around. The sun was beating down, and the fire was already going. I picked up my combat boots and walked over to the chairs around the fire circle.

I was surprised to see Glenn already awake poking the small fire with a stick, “Hey, Glenn,” I said quietly dropping into a chair beside him.

He looked up at me, “Hey, mornin’,” he said with a smile, “you’re up early.”

“So are you,” I smiled over at him.

He snorted and turned back to the fire, “Some days are like that.”

I nodded, he dropped the stick beside his chair and leaned back, “How did you sleep?”

I shrugged, “Alright, I guess. It was nice not having to be so concerned about being attacked, but the heat was intense when I woke up.”

He let out a breathy laugh, “Yeah...yeah that’ll happen a lot. Eventually you’ll get used to it.”

I looked at the dirty clothes in my lap, “Um, where do we do laundry?” I asked awkwardly.

Glenn smiled over at me, “The girls use one of the picnic tables, there’s a metal tub, and they hang them up to dry. Usually Lori, Carol, and Andrea do that.”

I nodded, “I’ll help when they get up and start. Have to earn my keep, ya know?”

He nodded with a smile, “Yeah, the guys mostly do runs, and the watches. And hunting, but that’s mostly Daryl.”

I inwardly cringed at his name. Daryl. The day before came flooding back to me, all the stuff he said to me and about me...Daryl Dixon is an ass. Simple as that.

“Seems a bit old fashion, I guess the girls do the cooking too?” I asked, trying to change the subject away from him.

Glenn laughed freely, I looked at him while he laughed, and it made me happy. Like, he was free for just a second. I know when Ryan or anyone in the group would make me laugh, I felt so damn free for just a second. And you would crave that feeling for just a second.

He nodded with a smile, “Yeah, I know what you mean. But...I dunno, I guess that’s what the end of the world does to people, go back to the old days, ya know?”

I laughed slightly, “Can’t say anything I guess, that’s kind of what it was like back in my group too, Ryan would hunt, but I would go too. I got a couple deer by myself,” I said with a hint of pride. I remembered that day, the first deer I got. Ryan was so fucking proud of me. He let out a big whoop and punched his hand in the air.

Glenn looked at me with an impressed look in his face, “Nice. You should let Rick know, he would probably ask you to go with Daryl.”

Again, I cringed.

“So, um, like for showering and everything, do we just go into the house?” I asked, again changing the subject.

Glenn cleared his throat and nodded, “Yeah, Hershel is good about that kind of stuff. You know where it is right?”

I nodded, “Yeah, Hershel told me yesterday.”

He nodded, and we fell into a comfortable silence. Slowly the tents started unzipping. Rick and his wife Lori were the first ones out. Then Andrea, Carol, T-Dog, Carl, Shane, Dale, and finally Daryl was last.

Everyone made their way to seats around the fire, Lori sat on the other side of me, she smiled as she sat down.

“How was your first night?” she asked.

I shrugged, “As good as it could be,” I replied.

She nodded, “I’m sure it must be difficult. I know it was difficult the first while that Rick wasn’t with me and Carl.”

I nodded sadly, Glenn had told me the story in the car the day before, about how Shane and Rick were partners and Rick went into a coma after he was shot, the zombies came. Shane thought Rick was dead, and went to get Lori and Carl, and he told them he was dead. And then by some kind of miracle Rick found Glenn and the group in Atlanta, and then he got back to Lori and Carl.

Lori shook her head and smiled, “I try not to think about that stuff often,” she said and smiled over to Carl who was sitting with Dale talking. “Do you want to help with breakfast?”

I nodded with a small smile, “Yeah, of course.”

She nodded and smiled, “Okay. You can put your clothes over on that table with the metal tub; we can do laundry after breakfast.”

I nodded and got up, I went over to the table and placed my clothes I the table beside the tub. I turned to go back with Lori only to be met with Daryl Dixon.

“Sorry,” I mumbled and side stepped him.

He snorted, “Better what where yer goin’, sweetheart.”

For just a split second I built up some courage, “Watch where you’re goin, dick.”

He chuckled under his breath, “Best not piss me off.”

“Why, gonna hit me?” I challenged.

He put some of his clothes on the table next to my stuff, “Nah. Jus best stay out of my way.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, “Stay out of my way, dick. I came up to the table first, you saw me here, you coulda waited.”

He narrowed his eyes at me; he opened his mouth to say something, “Everything alright over there?” Rick called over to us.

I looked over to him and nodded once, I looked back at up at Daryl, he was staring really hard at me, “Just fantastic.”

Daryl looked for a moment longer before he smirked slightly and chuckled under his breath, “Bitch,” he muttered.

“Asshole,” I muttered back before walking away.

My jaw was clinched as I walked over to the where Lori was standing by her chair, “Everything okay?” she asked quietly.

“Is he like that with everyone?” I asked as we started walking over to the RV.

“He’s not as bad as he was in the beginning, especially when his brother was here. But...he’s gotten better. For the most part,” she answered.

I rolled my eyes, “Still an asshole.”

--

Daryl and I didn’t speak for most of the day, all through breakfast we didn’t look at each other, I wouldn’t touch his clothes and Carol brought them back to him so I wouldn’t need to go near him.
After lunch Daryl went off in the woods to try and find little Sophia. And, I’ll admit, that’s something I found very endearing about him. How much he wanted to find her, I thought that was a wonderful thing. I just boggled my mind that he could care so much about finding Sophia, but then act like a total jerk to me.

But...whatever.

I was just coming out of the RV with a book Dale told me I could borrow when Rick came over to me.
“Hey, Emerson,” he said as I closed the RV door.

I smiled at him, “Hey, Rick.”

“Can I talk to ya for sec?” he asked.

I nodded, “Yeah, of course.”

He led me over to big tree so we could be in the shade, “I talked to Glenn earlier.”

I nodded, “He told me that you talked more about your hunting,” he said leaning against the tree trunk.

I smiled, “Yeah, I um, would go with Ryan sometimes, like I told you. Took some stuff down by myself.”

He nodded, “Deer?”

I let out a breathy laugh, “Deer,” I confirmed.

He smiled at me, “How did you take it down?”

I leaned on the tree next to him, “Well, I mean, guns are really loud, obviously. You don’t really wanna attract walkers. But sometimes it would be a gun, sometimes a crossbow.”

His brow knitted together, “You didn’t bring a crossbow,” he stated.

I shook my head, “No, that night...Lucas grabbed it to try and defend us. Lucas was kind of redneck-ish. He taught me how to use one, so when we would go hunting, he would let me use it.”

He nodded, “Maybe you should go out with Daryl and hunt?”

I shook my head, “I huh...don’t think that would be the best idea.”

He laughed lightly, “No, no, you might be right on that one. But maybe that’s something you could help with, hunting.”

“Yeah, I mean, I wanna earn my keep here, ya know?”

He nodded, “I understand you wanna help, which I really appreciate you wanting to do that. I think that would be something really good you could do. Would you be able to bring it back to camp?”

I laughed, “A deer? Probably not, I think it would be better to search the area a bit. Just to see if there even is one, if there is, someone could come with me to help bring something back.”

He sighed and nodded, “Yeah...yeah that’d be good. Do you wanna do that now?”

I nodded quickly, “Yeah, I would love to.”

He smiled and moved away from the tree, “I’ll give you your gun and knife back then,” he said as he started walking back to the RV.

I smiled and followed him into the RV, I put the book back where I grabbed it from and watched as Rick pulled the duffle bag full of weapons out and opened it. He pulled my stuff out and handed it over to me.

He looked over at me and smirked, “You seem excited,” he stated zipping the bag back up.
I laughed a little and nodded, “I am! I mean, when I was with my group, I mean it was something that I contributed. So I’m really happy that I can help everyone here out too, that I can contribute something I’m good at.”

He smiled and nodded, “Well, I’m glad to hear that.”

I sighed, “Rick, y’all trust me then?” I asked.

His smile faded and nodded, “Yeah. Why do you ask?”

I shrugged, “I mean, last night I took two members of the group hours away to my old camp. Only Daryl thought twice about it, but you encouraged it. Today, you’re giving me weapons and sending me out by myself. Not to say I’m going to, but I could take off with these weapons, or just take out everybody, but you trust me.”

“I trust you. My family trusts you, and this group trusts you. I trust in you that you wouldn’t do that stuff. I could see it in your eyes that first time I talked to you yesterday that you could be trusted. Why do you think I’ve been on Daryl so bad about not bein a jackass to you? Because you can be trusted, and you will be an asset to this group,” he put his hands on my shoulders, “I have zero concerns about having you here, in this group.”

I smiled up at him, “Thank-you.”

He smiled and let his hands drop, “It’s no problem. I don’t want you to worry about that stuff, okay?”
“Thank-you, again,” I smiled.

He nodded and opened the RV door and let me out first, he followed behind me, closing the door behind him.

“Here’s a map,” he said to me, pulling the map out of his pocket.

I nodded and took it, “Thanks.”

“Be careful, okay?” he told me.

I smiled, “I will.”

He nodded, satisfied, “Alright then, Emerson. Go for it.”

I let out a small laugh and started walking towards the woods, “I’ll be back soon,” I said over my shoulder to him.

It took a few minutes to reach the edge of the woods, I felt really...happy.

This was something I felt confident about, hunting. I mean, I’m not happy about hunting; I never did that in my life before this. But, you have to do what you have to do to survive.

I was trying to watch for deer tracks, to see if there was one near me, or if there had even been one around not long before. There was nothing, there were a lot of squirrels, rabbits, but no deer.
Then I saw foot prints. I must have been walking at that point for maybe an hour. The footprints were relatively fresh, so being as nosey as I was, I had to follow them.

I had my gun at the ready, down at my side, just in case. It could have been a walker, but the footprints didn’t drag like theirs did. No...it was just a normal human person.

I followed the prints for maybe forty five minutes; finally I came into a clearing. There was house there; the prints still kept going into the house. I followed them in. I brought my gun up and kept it aimed, I followed the hallway and went to the front door and looked out. I saw a figure bent over something, I walked forward slowly, down the front steps and on the grass. I finally got close enough and figured out who it was. I put my arms down at my side.

“Daryl?” I asked confused.

He turned his head quickly to look at me, he stood up, crossbow in hand, “What’re ya doin here?” he asked just as confused as me.

I shrugged, “Rick asked me to see if I could find deer tracks or anything, he wants me to help hunt when need be.”

He tilted his head and squinted, “He wants ya to help hunt?”

“So?” I asked defensively.

He shrugged and smirked, “Nothin’, just seems funny to me.”

“Why?” I asked, “Is it just a girl hunting you find funny, or just me?”

“Nah, girls can hunt. Jus don’t know if you can,” he told me dismissively.

I narrowed my eyes at him, “I’ve gotten two deer’s by myself, thanks.”

He chuckled, moving his crossbow to his other hand, “Like I said to you before, don’ mean nothin’.”

“Listen,” I said putting my gun in the waistband on my shorts, “I’m totally on board with you finding Sophia. Hell, you need help? Let me know, I will be glad to help. I want this little girl found, okay? I really, really do. But I’m a person too! I’m not trying to play down the fact that she’s missing, I’m really not. But I’m with this group now! I’m not going anywhere! I don’t think I’ve done anything to you, if I have let me know and I’ll apologize! I don’t think you know how uncomfortable you make me feel! I’m trying to survive this fucked up world just as much as you are, and that’s hard enough as it is! I don’t need you constantly being a fucking jerk to me; I don’t need to deal with that along with trying not to die because of these walkers!”

He let me finish my rant without so much as a peep. Which was surprising.

He turned back around and bent down, I leaned to the side to see what he was doing. He was picking a few flowers.

He turned back to face me, crossbow up on his right shoulder, and flowers in hand, “Do ya know what these are?” he asked me.

I shook my head slowly, more confused than anything, “No?”

He walked toward me a few steps, there were maybe...six steps between us at this point, “It's a Cherokee Rose. The story is that when American soldiers were moving Indians off their land on the Trail of Tears, the Cherokee mothers were grieving and cryin’ so much 'cause they were losing their little ones along the way from exposure and disease and starvation. A lot of them just disappeared. So the elders, they said a prayer; asked for a sign to uplift the mothers' spirits, give them strength and hope. The next day this rose started to grow where the mothers' tears fell,” he told me, he watched me as he told the story.

I felt tears in my eyes, I ducked my head so I could wipe them away, hoping Daryl would have looked away, but when I lifted my head back up and he was still watching me.

“You cryin?” he asked.

I let out the smallest laugh, “A little.”

Daryl had the smallest hint of a smile, not a smirk...but a smile.

“You should give those to Carol,” I said quietly.

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m going to.”

I turned back to look at the house, “Um, I think I should head back to camp. You gonna stay out here a bit longer, or...?” I asked looking back at him.

He shook his head, finally breaking his stare at me, “Nah, I got a lead...I’ll stay out.”

I nodded, “Um, okay, so I’ll see you later then?” I asked.

He hesitated before nodding slowly, “Yeah, see you,” he turned away from me and started walking away.

I looked at the ground for a second before turning around and going back the way I came from. I felt that for a split second...I actually connected with Daryl. And it was really nice.

Is that even possible? Like, is it possible to feel a connection with someone for less than five minutes? Just the smallest...spark.

That’s what consumed my thoughts the whole time I was walking back to camp, I was so thankful that no walkers were around because I was so far in my own mind, that I may not have been alert enough to protect myself.

I really believe it was possible that I had seen a real good guy side to Daryl, and...well, I kinda liked it.

I walked over to Rick when I got back, he was standing off by himself, he looked like he was thinking hard.

“Hey,” I called walking to him.

He looked over at me; he nodded once, “Emerson.”

I pulled my gun and knife out of my pockets and held them out to him, “Here,” I said handing them over to him.

He took them, “Thank-you. Find anything?”

I shrugged, “I didn’t see deer tracks, I saw some squirrels and rabbits though, so that’s something.”
“Well thank-you for doing that,” he told me.

I nodded, “Not a problem. I think I’m just gonna lay down, I’m exhausted.”

He smiled a little, “No problem. I’ll have Lori keep some dinner aside for you.”

“Thank-you,” I said gratefully, “I’ll see you later,” I said, then turned and went over to the tents.

I pulled the elastic from around my wrist and threw my hair up quickly, I waved to Glenn when I saw him emerge from his tent next to mine, he smiled back uncomfortably.

I was going to ask him what was wrong but he shook his head sharply and mouthed ‘Later.’

I shrugged and nodded; I waved and smiled to everyone sitting around the fire, watching as dinner was cooking. I unzipped my tent, took my boots off and climbed in, zipping the tent back up.

I laid on my back and stared at the roof, it was almost instantly that I fell back asleep.

--

I woke up a little while later, the sun was just setting, I could even when I was in the tent.

I sat up and the first thing I thought of was how absolutely hungry I was, the last time I had eaten was at lunch, but that was hours before.

I raised my arms above my head to stretch, I let my hands land on top of my head and felt that my hair had become loose in the ponytail; I re-did the ponytail then unzipped the tent flap.

I let my eyes adjust before stepping outside the tent, I grabbed my boots and walked over to the open seat beside Glenn, who reached over to an empty seat beside him and grabbed a plate of food.

“Lori kept this aside for you,” he said quietly.

I nodded, “Thanks.”

I picked the fork up from the plate and started picking at the little bit of chicken that was on the plate, I was just about to ask him what was going on earlier when he spoke.

“You walked right beside your gift,” he stated eyeing me.

I raised an eyebrow at him, “What are you talking about?” I asked bringing the fork full of chicken up to my mouth.

He moved his eyes to look at my tent, then back to me, then back to the tent, I swallowed my food and followed his eyes back to my tent. And sure enough, there was something there that was definitely not there when I got back from my time in the woods earlier in the day.

Leaning against my tent, was a perfect Cherokee Rose. I stared at it for probably a full minute before looking back to Glenn; he shrugged at me with the smallest smirk before he got up from his seat.

I heard the door to Hershel’s house close loudly, I looked behind me to see Daryl standing there looking at me, I raised my hand to him, but put it down lamely. In the porch light, I could see, for the second time, the faintest trace of an actual smile on Daryl’s face. He nodded just the slightest bit at me before walking off.

I turned back to face the fire, but I snuck another look at the Cherokee Rose at my tent. And again I felt that little tiny spark.