Fall Into Me

"I can't take it anymore!" I groan, throwing my head back against the plush chair in Dr. Taylor's office. He crosses his leg over the other and rests his chin on the curve between his thumb and index finger. "Richard. He's already living in our house and it's like he thinks he's always lived there! There are no boundaries. He picks through the pantry when he wants a snack to watch TV. He leaves the toilet seat up all the friggin' time. Not to mention, he and my mom don't seem to care that my room is not that far from theirs and the walls aren't thick enough to drown out their elephant moaning!"

"All righty then," he says, half smiling, as if my horrific home life brings him joy. "You're opening up more. I like this."

"You like hearing about my mom and Richard doing it like they're on the discovery channel?" I raise my eyebrows. He laughs softly and shakes his head.

"No, I like that you're talking to me now instead of keeping everything bottled up. It's okay to complain about things you aren't happy with. The first step is recognizing the things you don't like. The second, is trying to find solutions for them."

"Are you saying I should go break my mom and Richard up?" I joke and Dr. Taylor sighs, making me laugh. "Trust me. I wouldn't be able to do that if I tried. Richard's sickeningly in love with my mom," I assure him.

"And that bothers you?"

I shrug. "It just doesn't make sense to me. See Richard's a little younger and he's like, not bad looking, I guess. I don't really see how he would go for my mom. I love her, but she's like me."

"Like you? What are you like, Maia?"

"I don't know. Nothing special."

"Is that really how you see yourself?" Dr. Taylor asks. I start to feel like I just answered wrongly on a test. I stick to what I said though and nod. "Can you tell me some things you like about yourself?" he presses.

"My taste in music," I answer automatically.

He frowns. "Anything else?"

I try, really try, to rack my brain for something else, but I come up with nothing. There's nothing about me that I particularly like. My hair is a dull brown that falls in a pin straight line down to my chest. I have brown eyes; the most common color out there. My skin isn't sun kissed and tan like Sierra and Rae's; instead it's pale and washed out. I'll never stand out in a crowd. I'm just slightly below average.

"Nothing?" he asks after a few minutes of silence. I shake my head. "What if I asked your friends what they like about you? What do you think they would say?"

I don't say anything because I think giving no answer is less embarrassing than admitting that I don't really have any friends. None that know me well enough to find anything worthwhile about me. After another couple minutes of awkward silence, Dr. Taylor lets out a heavy sigh and tells me to stand up. "Come on," he instructs and guides me over to the mirror in his office. My stomach churns as I approach it. I look at my reflection first and then Dr. Taylor's.

"You know what I see when I look at myself, Maia?" he asks, but I don't respond. "I have a few grays in my hair and bags under my eyes because I didn't get much sleep last night. My ears could be mistaken for Dumbo's, which you'll see after I get my hair cut next week. I also have some wrinkles here and there. But you know what? I think I look great. Terrific even."

I stare at his reflection, straining my eyes to see what he was picking out about himself, but I saw none of those things. Is he trying to make me hate him? "I want you to do this every day. Look in the mirror and no matter how many things you see that you don't like, you pick out the things that you do like and say something positive about yourself. Make it your mission to start each day with that."

He must be joking, I think. But I nod my head, as always, and say I'll give it a shot.



I hear the doorbell ring from my room and quickly check myself in the mirror. "You are…decent," I tell myself. That's close enough to a compliment right? I flip my hair around so it doesn't look too overdone and head downstairs. "Mom! I'm going out!" I call over my shoulder as I pass the living room where she and Richard are cuddling on the couch, watching a movie. Blech.

"Be back by one!" she calls back. I open the front door and there's Zack standing on the other side.

"Hi," I say, trying to sound breezy, and step outside.

"Ready to go?" he links arms with me as we begin walking to his car. He opens the door for me and I slide into the passenger's seat. The first thing I notice is the stack of CDs in the compartment under his radio.

"No way! You like Good Charlotte?" I gasp and look up at him as he climbs into the driver's seat. I pull the CD out from the stack and open the case, examining the lyric booklet inside.

"Yeah, The Young and The Hopeless is my favorite album," he grins, twisting the key in the ignition. Good looking and good taste in music. Is there anything wrong with him?

"Mine too," I reply with a half of a smile. He takes the CD from me and sticks it in the player, blasting The Anthem as we pull out into the street. Soon enough, we arrive at the venue. It looks old and grimy, but that doesn't seem to phase the long line of people waiting outside. "So who are we seeing?" I ask, stepping out of the car.

"My friend's the drummer for Girl Next Door. I promise they don't suck too bad," he laughs and takes my hand. Instead of getting on line, Zack leads me right to the door and slips a twenty to the tall, burly man blocking it. The man nods and steps aside. "I'm a regular," Zack explains as we make our way inside. We go down the steps and turn the corner, entering a small room that's packed with bodies (which amazes me considering all the people still waiting outside). It's dark, the only lighting in the whole place coming from the stage and the fairy lights around the bar.

"You want a drink?" Zack shouts above the Top 40 radio music blaring from the speakers.

"Sure!" I shout back. Still holding my hand, he pushes through the crowd towards the bar. I feel arms, hands, and shoulders brush against every part of me. There isn't even a band on stage yet and my ears are already ringing. It's absolute chaos, but in a way, I like it. Once we reach the counter, the bartender sets two coasters in front of us and Zack orders two beers. As I wait for our drinks, I look behind me. It seems the line from outside is now in here, the capacity of this little room defying all logic.

"The show's gunna start soon," Zack says in my ear as our beers arrive. Sure enough, the lights on stage get brighter and the radio music ceases. Everyone screams with excitement as the four-piece band takes the stage and immediately breaks out into their first song. They're even better than I expected.

"They're awesome!" I yell to Zack before taking a swig of my beer. He smiles and bobs his head to the beat. I smile too and look out at the crowd. Everyone's jumping and dancing with their fists in the air. People are crammed against the barricade and I can even spot a few bodies being flung around like rag dolls. It all looks so exhilarating that I no longer feel content standing around by the bar. I turn to Zack and tap his shoulder. "What do you say we finish these and head in there," I nod towards the crowd.

"You sure you can handle that?" he asks only teasing.

"Watch me," I say and start chugging my beer. I don't know what's come over me. Maybe it's the music pounding my eardrums or the alcohol entering my system. Whatever it is, I feel daring tonight. Zack wastes no time putting away his drink and soon enough, we're diving into the sea of people.

"Zack!" I shout to him.

"Yeah?"

"I wanna to go up!" I say, pointing to a girl that was currently being passed up towards the stage.

"You sure?" he asks, a hint a concern on his face. I nod insistently. "Okay, get ready!" he says and grabs the shoulder of the guy standing in front of him. He leans in close and says something in his ear. The guys grins and nods in response. Then they both look at me.

"Put your foot up here!" the guy commands. He locks his fingers together and crouches down, holding his hands out to me. I do as I'm told and before I know it, I'm being launched into the air. I scream, at first in terror, and then delight as I fall back against the crowd. I feel myself moving forward, dipping down occasionally as I go. I've never felt more wild or free in my life. With so many hands holding me up, their mission not to let me fall, it's impossible to feel unimportant.

When I finally reach the barricade, the security guard collects me in his arms and flips me over, onto my feet. I head back out into the crowd to do it all over again.



"That was amazing oh my, God!" I say breathless as Zack and I walk, arms linked, back to his car. I look up at him, catching him smiling at me. We walk the rest of the way in silence. It's not the weird, awkward silence though. It feels whole, like nothing more needs to be said to fill the moment. I may be sweating more than I've ever sweat in all my seventeen years and my hair may look like a rat's nest, and I probably smell like old socks, but I feel comfortable and giggly, like the music and the crowd had some drug like effect on me, leaving me in this blissful state of being.

Once we reach the car, Zack opens my door for me and waits until I climb in to shut it. He gets in the driver's seat and sits back, turning his head to me. "I'm too hyped up to go home," he says. I glance at the radio clock. It's late, but maybe not too late to sit here for awhile.

"I had a lot of fun," I say. "You go to these all the time?"

He nods and begins telling me about all the bands he loves and all the concerts he's been to. He says that he plays bass and sings a little, but he doesn't think he's good enough to sing for people. He's been in a couple bands, but they all hit dead ends. He loves the sense of community that comes with music. The words flow smoothly from his lips like a babbling brook. "Sorry," he looks down bashfully, his cheeks turning red. "I'm talking too much, aren't I?" he asks, looking embarrassed.

"No. I like listening to you talk," I say, my voice for some reason hushed, as though I were in an art exhibit or something. He looks up at me again, his eyes retuning to mine. I have to catch my breath because, well…he looks so damn hot. He shifts on his side so that his body's facing towards me and leans in. As his lips move closer to mine, I feel my heart go into a frenzy and I fear that it's going to explode. I've never been kissed before.

Well, guess I can't say that anymore.