Behind My Mask

It had been five years; five years since he left all of our lives. We were all guttered, but my brother was the most affected; for the first few months he had to be force fed, there was no other way food was going to pass through his body. He didn't talk, at least not much, and he never participated in anything. He looked so empty that it pained me, and the only way I could get him to show some emotion was to convince him to write something, to sing something.

As a year had passed he had started to eat on his own again and he looked normal, but when he thought no one was looking he let the sad emotions slip. He thought no one noticed, but I did.
I am thankful that he hasn't resorted to self harm; he poured everything he had in to his singing, as far as I know.

Over the course of time it seemed that my brother was slowly improving; he started opening up to me, telling me that he felt so pathetic to be feeling this shattered over someone who he only knew for a few months. That he had harbored feelings in such a short amount of time, to only have them ripped out of his chest and be dragged far away from him; he had told me that all of his happiness lies with Kellin, and if he is gone, then so are his feelings.
'I know it sounds silly' he used to tell me 'but that is how I truly feel'

I would have felt angry at Kellin, but I couldn't; I saw it in his eyes, how broken up he was about leaving. He must have felt the same way as Vic, but he is better at hiding it.
I was wondering how he was holding up; I had heard that he didn't have the best relationship with his family, and he had said that he doesn't make friends easily, that he had just gotten lucky with us.
I couldn't really believe that a guy like him couldn't get friends easily; even I have to admit that his looks are exceptional, so really I don't see the problem. Maybe he is just extremely antisocial, but it didn't seem like it while he was with us.

Vic had gotten a solid job about a year ago, working at a music store. I had joined him just a few months ago and it was a good job. The payment wasn't the best, but the employer was nice, and Jaime and Tony were able to get a place there as well.
We would occasionally still do band practice, but it was much more rare now. We would sometimes demonstrate the instruments for the customers, and I could hear Vic sing or hum to himself when deep in thought.
So really, I couldn't complain about my life. I don't know how Vic felt now, he seemed happy, but never content.

Me and Tony had gotten together; at first we both thought that it would ruin our friendship, but it actually improved. We were both happier than ever while with each other, but I couldn't help but feel guilty and upset about Vic.

---

It was a normal day of work, with the exception that I was the only one on shift, everyone else had taken an early break.
I was re - arranging some guitars; being bored out of my mind, I had nothing else left to do. Unless I wanted to sit and watch the seconds on the clock passing much slower than they are supposed to.
I heard a ding, indicating that someone had entered the shop, being that at the moment it was empty. When I looked over it was someone who I had least expected. It was Kellin, and honestly I expected to never see him again, not in this lifetime anyway.

"What are you doing here?" Was my first reaction; he had caused my brother so much grief it was hard to even look at him. All the memories of those nights spent comforting my brother came flooding back, almost overwhelming me.

"Your mom told me you were here" He was hesitant with his answer; he didn't look the same, he looked more hurt than when I first saw him.
He had grown, he was still shorter than me, but he had grown none the less.

"Why? Why did you come back?" I was worried, that if Vic would see Kellin again, it would only bring back the hurt, all the emotions he has tried so hard to overcome. I feared that he would be reminded of all the happiness that he had lost, just because of this one insignificant person.

"My dad... he lost his job and got a new one here" He spoke slowly; he just looked tired, worn out, I pity him.
Another thing that I noticed was that he had gotten tattoos; they were running across his right arm, and a few were poking out from underneath his top.

"You could have called" There was a moment of silence, where we just stared at each other; it wasn't me who should be in this position, Vic was supposed to interrogate Kellin, show him what he has done, not me.

"You could have sent a letter. Something that would show us... show us that you were still alive.... that you hadn't forgotten about us" Another moment of silence engulfed the room until I was just ready to explode with the anger that had been building up as soon as he entered the room.

"Have you any idea how beat up Vic was about this?! Did you ever consider what he might be feeling?! You could have at least given a proper goodbye to him, not just a note!"

"I couldn't -"

"Why not? You were too afraid to cry weren't you? All this time, trying to appear as cold as a stone, and you knew if you tried to say goodbye, you would just break down. That wall you have built up, you thought no one would notice? It's not normal for someone to be such a prick, open your eyes Kellin" I expected him to start shouting back, start crying, or at least look shocked, but he just smiled at me sadly; he had expected me to say this.

"I know, I know all of it. The reason why I didn't try to contact you was that I was too big of a coward. I realized what I had done, but by that time it was already too late"

"Nothing is ever too late, not if you try hard enough"

"And I've come to that realization, that is why I came back; to make amends. You guys are the only friends I have ever had, or probably ever will with the attitude I have" He cracked a smile at me; I could feel the mood lifting after my outburst, I felt better, I felt that I could forgive him.

"And if it makes you feel better I didn't get any new friends, not as close as you guys were, you were just like brothers to me"

"Dude, you can't imagine how much I missed you, how much we all missed you"

"I missed you too" It's surprising how quickly a conversation can take a sharp turn; a moment ago I was throwing my thoughts at Kellin, but now we were hugging. I felt happier; if I could forgive him this quickly, then I am sure that my brother will too. Maybe not as quickly, but eventually he should warm up, he is too nice of a person to hold a grudge against someone for too long.

"Hey, Mike -" Just like on que, Vic had walked in the room holding an empty CD case. He looked up, staring at Kellin for a good minute. He was confused, startled, and also afraid. I could see the old, broken Vic return, and it just broke my heart all over again.

He dropped the case and ran out of the room as fast as his skinny legs could carry him.

"Vic" Kellin silently whispered; he took a step forward but I stopped him.
"You better not" I looked at his hurt expression, but I didn't take longer than a few seconds; I had to run after my brother before he would do something stupid.

I ran in the only place he could be; the storage room. It was filled with large boxes where he could easily hide. I could hear faint sobbing, so I followed the sound.

"Why is he here? Am I hallucinating? Why would he be here? After all this time, why turn up now?" I heard him talk through the small sobs that were escaping from him. Those were the exact same questions that ran through my mind, but I was sure that I didn't feel so strongly about him.
I went to sit down next to my brother; I comforted him just like I did that day five years ago. I tried to calm him, trying to make up answers that would make him feel better, running my hand up and down his back.

"Mike.... why... why do I feel so strongly about him? I only knew him for a month, maybe longer. Why... please.. tell me why" This continued on until he no longer could talk; he looked up at me with his puffy, swollen eyes and said "Thank you" in a raw voice. I was sure that he felt better after crying out the sorrow he had bottled up; he had been too afraid to release all of it, but the appearance of Kellin had given him courage to pour it all out.

I often felt like I had to be the big brother, because there were times where Vic could no longer support himself emotionally, but there were many times where Vic has proven himself as the big brother, and I look up to him, even if sometimes I have to be the responsible one.