Behind My Mask

When I had returned from my work I was devastated to find out Kellin's mum had been diagnosed with cancer, but what concerned me more was him; I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain he must feel at this moment, and it concerned me that he might be on his own right now. Trying to fight the taunting truth all on his own.
His mum had informed me he had stormed out upon hearing the news, and I took it in my hands to find him before he does something he will regret.

I had looked anywhere imaginable, I had thought about where we had spent time before, and where he might want to be; I had ran around nearly half of the state until I decided to check the park, the most obvious place. I wasn't surprised to see him sitting there. I wasn't surprised seeing him so hurt, I know that I would act exactly the same as him if I were in his position, if not worse.

I didn't hesitate to pull him close to me; I knew how much he needed comforting at the moment. Seeing him in this state wanted me to protect him; I wanted to set up a barrier that would prevent him from ever hurting again. It hurt me to see him in so much pain, that he couldn't even function properly.

While holding him I was murmuring every comforting word I knew, just hoping it would make him feel better. I had no idea of knowing if it would work, but I was ready to try anything. I would always be ready for Kellin's sake. I would always be ready to do anything for him.

My aching muscles were begging me to move position; circulation was cut in some parts of my limbs, sending them asleep. But I wouldn't budge, for the sake of Kellin. I was too afraid to even breathe, let alone try to soothe my pain filled joints.

Eventually Kellin had stirred; he had thanked me, and asked me if we could finally go home. His eyes were raw, as was his face; the sight was another painful stab to my heart. His eyes were swollen to the point where it looked like they had bled; the tears he had cried seemed like acid to his face, burning his flawless skin.

I brought him back home, making sure that he would be alright. My heart was set at ease when I saw the genuine smile directed at me; those hours spent crying had helped him release all those pent up emotions that had been burdening him. His whole aura seemed lighter, much happier than before. But still I couldn't help but worry about him at my sleep deprived night. My thoughts would travel form positive to negative, because really, there can be two different outcomes; on the sight of his mum he could go on another rampage and this time he could really do something stupid without anyone being there to stop him, but he could also be happily spending his time with her, safely enjoying the last few months he has with her.

Next day I had found out that he had indeed spent his time with his mum, happily talking about everything and nothing. I was also glad that he had found a way to spend time with both, his mum and me, and I was perfectly happy with his plan of spending the day with his mum, and the night with me. It meant that I would be able to sleep peacefully at night, knowing that Kellin was safe by my side.

Over those few months he would occasionally cry to sleep while I held him; he didn't want his mum to see him be the least bit sad while she was still alive. The only time when he would let himself truly accept his own feelings was while no one but me was around. with him acting this way, I truly knew that he depended on me for support, and despite all that is going on, I was happy to be of use to him. I only hoped that after he had recovered, that I would still be needed. That he wouldn't just toss me aside like a worn out and over used furniture.

After the funeral he had started spending a lot more time with me; you could say that he was living with me. My parents didn't have a problem with it, in fact they have come to love him as their own son, and my brother had also accepted him as part of the family. I sometimes wondered what his own family thought; did they not miss him? Did they not worry about him?
I sometimes thought that they simply didn't care, but surely you would care about your own flesh and blood.

To get his mind off from his mum, I suggested singing. The last time I heard that angelic voice was too long ago. It would benefit us both in more ways than one; Kellin will be able to get his mind off the horrid events, even if just for a moment. He will be able to pour the left overs of those negative emotions from those memories in his songs, and we will simply be able to have fun. As for me, I will be happy to hear his flawless voice again, and just create happy memories with him.

I invited my friends over as well, to get the old band replay our previous actions. When we had graduated we didn't bother playing anymore, there was simply no time. We would occasionally meet up if someone wanted to, to play some songs, but we no longer met on a regular basis. We no longer made our own songs, or at least we didn't practice them. I would sometimes write down ideas if I had them, but I wouldn't spend hours breaking my head to find the right lyrics.

We sung some old songs, some new songs, and some songs from different artists that we all knew. Before we knew it we had wasted the whole day. My voice felt weakened, but I was determined to sing one more song with Kellin, before we would pack all of our instruments away again. Most likely for a long time.
I had suggested singing ''King for a Day'' again; I remember it was one of the songs I had enjoyed singing the most, and it has an uplifting beat, that I am sure will leave us buzzing for the next few hours.

It was almost upsetting to put my guitar away in my case; I know I could always go and play it whenever I pleased, but it wouldn't have the same feeling as playing it with everyone. I just wouldn't get the same amount of joy while singing on my own.

I noticed that Kellin looked much happier. Just like me he was exhausted and was ready to sleep, but I wanted a little bit more out of today. I didn't give him time to get comfortable; I attacked his lips in an urgent way. I felt those familiar lips part, as did mine, and we would have our usual battle over dominance in our mouths.

I loved it, that every time I kissed him he tasted of something sweet. I couldn't completely analyze what it was, so I stuck to guessing it was chocolate. It was a unique and pleasant taste that I knew I would never get sick of. I would never get tired of Kellin. I would never have enough of him.

I explored his already familiar body, not being able to place my restless arms; I let them roam all over his body, his hands doing the same to me. They were shamelessly touching me, where in social circumstances you wouldn't dare to.

Faint moans were echoing in the room, but mostly they were muffled by our mouths. I could feel my hands reaching for the button on his skinny jeans, undoing them professionally. He had taken them off himself, but once laying my eyes on his bare thighs made me stop in my tracks. He must have realized what he had done too, as he was looking at me with the eyes of a cornered rabbit.

What I had seen shouldn't have come to me as such a big shock; I always knew that there wasn't something right with him, I knew that he had been hiding something.
The scars were faint, but clearly visible; it didn't look like he had done any of it too recent, maybe the most recent one was a few months ago, but it still hurt to see him hurt himself.

He looked like he wanted to run, hide and never come back. I could see in his eyes that he was waiting for me to mock him. He was waiting for me to laugh at him, to tell him that he was a freak. I knew these feelings far too well to know what he was thinking; he didn't need to tell me that those were the thoughts that were running through his head.

I hugged him just like I had always done; he had stiffened, baffled by my actions. It had faintly hurt me that there was still uneasiness in our trust, but I tried to understand his feelings. He had already been through so much, that I couldn't blame him for having such issues with it. It was me who wanted too much out of him.

"I love you, Kellin. You're beautiful, and don't you ever forget that. Don't you ever forget that I will always be here for you. I will always love you"

I didn't expect him to answer, I didn't expect him to do anything but lay in my arms and letting himself be comforted by me, like he had been with everything else so far. But he had murmured a faint "I love you too"