Behind My Mask

Their wedding had been a quiet one; neither of them wanted a big event, they were perfectly okay with having their small circle of friends and family there. Though, Kellin's family didn't turn up, or more like they weren't invited, or even told about such events. They didn't really care enough, or so would Kellin say.

White flowers decorated the platform they were standing on, friends and family were seated on the benches. It was a joy filled day, something all of them would remember.

Their honeymoon was spent away on an island, where crystal clear water rocked against the pale, soft sand. Palm trees were like decorations, creating much needed shades. Tourists filled the island, but the couple had managed to get a quite spot close to the shore. It was a place many people dreamed of going, where the moon would be reflected clearly on the water. Silver was coating the surface of the water, underneath it the black, endless depths.

Where stars would shine brightly in the cloud free sky. Where the water would whisper sweet nothings in your ear, and the breeze would tickle your skin lightly, wrapping you in its warmth.

They spent their time constantly admiring each other, expressing their love in any way possible, and showing just how much they cared. It was a bond that would, or could never be broken. They shared something special, something rare. It was true love, not something you saw often in this day and age. They were so young, yet they knew more about love than anyone else.

Their trip was over in a flash, soon returning back to their ordinary lives, but they always would be content whilst in each other's presence. You can always tell how their moods lift, how much happier they are with each other.

They believed nothing would ever come between them.

-----Vic's POV------

I watched Kellin cross the road as he was texting me back an answer; I could see a faint grin lighting up his face, and his pace increasing. I walked forwards down the pavement, too impatient to stay where I was standing, but what stopped me, what shocked me still was seeing a car turn a sharp corner.

I wanted to shout, to at least run towards him, do something, but I was set in stone; nothing in my body was functioning, I couldn't even think. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. All I could do was stare as his body was thrown across the street, making a dent in the car that hit him.

That short moment felt like hours; his body was falling slowly. Everything around me stopped. All of my senses wen't numb. The sounds around me were muffled out by the scene replaying over and over again in my head. It was an eternity when I finally screamed out; I was running towards him as fast as my trembling legs could carry me.
A buzzing, deafening sound was piercing through my ears. My insides twisted painfully; I wanted to puke. My heart was being stabbed repeatedly, each time wanting to tear out of my rib cage.

My limbs seemed so weak, that I could hardly even walk, but my willpower managed to carry me to his body. His blood had quickly tainted his pale skin. As he felt my touch he opened his eyes, he smiled up at me sadly. I could already see the life leaving his eyes, but I couldn't let go. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't.

"No, Kellin, please, no. Don't leave me. You promised not to leave me. You can't... Kellin... not again..."
I tried not to cry, to choke out these desperate words, but my bitter tears acted on their own accord, mixing in with his blood, that was quickly surrounding me.

"I'm sorry, Vic, I really am." His voice was drained; only his willpower let him breathe for the remaining couple of seconds.

"I just want you to know, that I love you, and every moment I have spent with you, I have been happy"

"I love you too, Kellin, so... so much"
I held him while rocking back and forth. My whole world was breaking apart. My heart was going along with Kellin. My entire soul had been shattered from the inside. Nothing would be able to fill the missing hole in my chest. Nothing would ever be able to fix my soul, or my world.

When the ambulance came, I screamed at them to not come close. I was clinging on to Kellin's dead body; I knew that it would make no difference, but I couldn't let myself believe that he had slipped from my grip again, and that I would never be able to catch him.

They wouldn't let me go with him, so I was left to be picked up by my brother. I shouted, kicked, and punched him, in attempts to soothe the soaring pain that was eating me up, inside out. My vision was blurred, my hearing was fuzzed. I felt nothing but pain, guilt, anger, regret. Every possible negative emotion was there, destroying me.

I couldn't think of any more reasons for what to live for; my entire existence was pointless now. No one needed me anymore. No one depended on me. I was just a waste of space now. Without Kellin, I have no reason to live.

I cried for hours, I would have cried for days, but Mike gave me a letter, and DVD's that had come from Kellin. His dad had given this to us, saying that I would want to see these.

I read the letter first, and noted that the date when it was written was about a month before our wedding.

Dear Vic,

I hope by the time you read this I have left this world. I want you to know that it is not because of you, I don't ever want you to blame yourself, but why should you? All you have done is helped me. You have helped me so much, Vic, you can't even imagine. You have saved my life multiple times already, but I can't take it anymore. I love you so much, words cannot explain, but I just can't.
My mind is a black hole, that keeps sucking me in; you reached your hand out, I nearly grabbed it, but I retreated. If I would have grabbed your hand, you would have been sucked down with me, I couldn't let that happen.
Please, live a happy life for me Vic, don't end up like me.

Dark patches appeared on the scrunched up piece of paper. How could I not blame myself? I had caused his death.
I wanted to break down then and there, but I forced myself to watch the videos; maybe seeing him will make things better, give me another purpose. But who am I kidding? There is nothing left for me in this world anymore.

I inserted the CD, clicking play on the first video.

Shuffling could be heard in the background, but only a chair could be seen; the room looked plain, dull. There was a lack of life, lack of joy. Quickly Kellin had appeared, sitting down on the plain looking stool.

"This idea was given to me by... eh... my psychiatrist, he said that if I sorta... talk to you I will feel better. I didn't want to call you... or... talk.... to an actual person for that matter, so he told me to take a video, and imagine that I was talking to you" He stuttered a lot, and obvious discomfort was etched in his face.

"If you are listening to this, then I hope to god that I am no longer with you... I couldn't bare the shame if I found out you heard this, or anyone actually, but especially you, Vic"
He thought for a moment, looking at what I assumed was a window; light was streaming into the room from that exact direction.

"I wanted- no I didn't want to leave you like that, I wanted to say bye properly, but I just couldn't bare seeing your face.. It hurt too much, Vic, What I felt was pure disgust, not towards you, towards myself. I had potentially destroyed our friendship, even if you didn't say it. I'm sorry for what I did, but I wan't you to hear my reason behind it" He sighed looking out of the window again, it was visible that even talking to a camera was hard to him; the whole concept of revealing your true feelings was hard for him to grasp. I had always understood that, from the moment I met him.

"I really liked you Vic, and I still do. That is the main reason why I can't bring myself to contact you, because I know you don't fell the same way. I was delusional to ever think that you did; I was making everything up in my head, and I'm sorry. I'm really truly sorry"

That was the end of the first video I had watched. It may have been short, but it was emotional. For the first time I started to truly understand him, his actions; he wasn't disgusted by me, but by himself. I wish I could have realized this earlier.