Behind My Mask

I clicked play on the next video, but each time I did, I doubted if I really wanted to hear it.

"Hum... so I guess you want to hear why I'm the emotionless prick that I am, or you don't, I don't know, I just need to get it out of my system" This time he looked more relaxed, as he let himself slip in to his old memories.

"So, I guess it's because of my parents. Y'know, they are never home, so the bond just fell apart I guess, my siblings don't exactly help, they just get me drugs and alcohol if I really wanted to, to stop me from getting on their nerves.
Since my asshole siblings didn't want to look after me, I got a babysitter. And you know, I only
realize now how naive I really was as a child.
I don't know if you know that I self harm, and that is because of the baby sitter, she fucking abused me, that bitch" I could hear the amusement in his voice, but it was a bitter amusement, to make this topic lighter for himself.

"And guess what?! My mum never believed me, she thought I was making it up. What a bitch.
My dad never gave a shit about me so I didn't blame him much, but I blamed my mum for how fucked up I ended up to be. It's her fault- no, It's my fault for believing, but she could have done something. God help me, I am so fucked up... if only you knew"
The video continued to tell me about his past, but with each passing minute it was harder to watch. But I knew that if I wanted to fully understand him, I had to watch it no matter how hard it got.

I went through a couple of other clips that just informed me on how sorry he was, and filled me in with what to some people would be little, insignificant details, but to me they were more important than life itself, that described his day to me. I felt that I was getting to know him without the much needed interaction. By hearing him speak I felt that he was still with us, sitting right next to me, watching his biggest embarrassment.

"My dad.." He sighed looking up at the ceiling "He lost his job, and said he found a new one back in San Diego" He paused again, this time longer than usual, but he did turn back to the camera eventually.
"I will be visiting you Vic, I will see you again" Over those past few videos I have seen of him, I felt that I watched him grow up, it felt like he had changed, somewhere between those videos he had grown up. He had spoken all his thoughts, figuring something out along the way. He wasn't hiding anymore, not in front of the camera; there was nothing to hide from, there was nothing to hurt him, no reason to hide.
"I'm scared, Vic, I'm really scared. I'm scared that you have forgotten me, or you hate me. But I wouldn't blame you either way, after all it was my fault if you feel anything of the sort"
There was another long sigh; this time he was looking down on the floor boards. He kept his head slightly bent down, but he lifted his eyes up to meet the camera, to meet my eyes.
"I miss you, I always have, and probably always will"

I clicked play on the next clip, noticing the change of setting. My guess was that it was his bedroom before he got it painted, or before he properly moved in because it looked so bare, so empty. Or maybe its just me; the emptiness inside me was consuming me, it was only a matter of time.
"So, it's been a month since I've come back, and dare I say I feel happy, and its all thanks to you Vic. My therapist said to keep doing these, so I am. If you ever do watch this, be sure to know how truly wonderful you are. Thank you for giving me another chance.

"Because of you I have found a reason to carry on, thank you"

This video might have been the shortest so far, though, it had made me happy for a moment, but my shattered heart overwhelmed me with sickening sadness.
I continued watching these short videos, filled with his happiness, and how glad he is that I am there for him. It had let me forget the pain, seeing his happy face let my mind be invaded with the moments we had spent together.

"Five years have passed, wow, It doesn't seem that long really. My mum had died four years ago, but it doesn't seem that long at all.

"I think it's safe to say that you already knew I had depression, still do actually, but if you didn't, now you know.

"It's hard to keep it from you if I'm honest, being around you all the time would make you notice something sooner or later, so I'm surprised that you haven't asked yet. Maybe you just don't want to bring up the subject, or you're not sure. Whatever it is, I'm relieved that you're not asking any questions, if you did I don't think I would be able to answer any of them."

I always had the feeling that something was off with Kellin, and I had my suspicions, but I never wanted to ask; I could never find the right moment, and I never wanted to upset him with false assumptions.

It upset me that I was now on my last video; I was scared to find out what Kellin had thought, but to fully understand him, I had to, there was no way out of this.

The setting was the one in our honeymoon; when had he done this? I never noticed him leaving my side.

"I have no reason for doing these anymore, I feel like I belong, for once in my life. You have saved me Vic. You have healed me"

I couldn't believe that it was this short, but it left me thinking; he was happy, he didn't want to end his life anymore. I had caused his death, it was all my fault. If it weren't for me, he would still be alive. I am such a failure, I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even keep the person I love.

I shouldn't be sitting here, it should be Kellin, not me. Why did he have to leave me again? He left me to suffer again, and this time there was no way of him returning. I am sick of this messed up world. I always have been, and always will be. It had been Kellin that made this world seem a better place, but with him gone, my eyes have been opened.

I ran to the bathroom, quickly finding a razor. I was not going to suffer anymore, I couldn't bare it. I was living in hell. Just breathing was torture to me.

"Why Kellin? Why did you leave me again?" I said as I dragged the blade across my wrist; I felt nothing. The emotional torment was far to strong for that.

I could feel your presence, you were there watching me; you wanted to stop me, you wanted to rip the razor out of my hands, to slap me and call me an idiot for trying to leave this pointless life. I know you did. But it could just as well have been my desperate imagination, longing to see you, to feel you again.

I was beginning to feel free; everything started to leave me. Was this how you felt? Did you feel so at peace, just like me? But what I felt wasn't just peace, it was hopes of seeing you again. Are you waiting for me?

"I love you, Kellin" I whispered in my last breaths, as I let the darkness consume me. Never again will I have to endure the everlasting torment that is this life.

I will finally be at peace, by your side, just where I belong.