Behind My Mask

The first time I lay my eyes on Kellin I had instantly thought that he was beautiful; he stood out the most from everyone else with his pale skin, black hair, and clear blue eyes. I instantly wanted to know more about him but my shyness prevented me from doing so; I would take any opening I could to speak to him and to make it seem just casual, but that was a problem since most of the time there was always someone else who would talk to him and take up all of his attention.

I never showed that I was nervous around him, though I sure felt it. I have always felt nervous around the person I took the slightest interest in and I cursed myself for it. It wasn’t just the people I took interest though; I have always had a hard time making friends unless they acted around me as if we have been best friends for years. You could call me socially awkward, or that I have social anxiety. I don’t know, call it what you will.

Despite that I always put up a brave facade, hiding it from everyone how truly anxious I was; I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with me and I don’t think I need help, which I wouldn’t get even if there was something wrong with me. I just think that many people are like that; hiding their true feelings and intentions even when it isn’t necessary.
People who say that they are always honest and have never done anything that wasn’t true are just full of bollocks in my opinion. Everyone at least once in their lifetime has lied or done something along those lines. No one is ever that innocent.

I can never tell what Kellin is thinking; his expressions hardly ever changed and I took notice of that. He smiles quite often, but I had taken in account that his eyes just look empty. At first glance you would think that he is normal and happy just like anyone else, but I had taken the time over these past few days to study him, as creepy as that sounds.

Every time he laughs or makes a sarcastic comment I am re-assured that everything is alright and that I am just over thinking things, but his eyes always tell another story. I have heard of the saying ‘the eyes are the window to your soul’ many times but I have never been able to tell what a person was feeling just through their eyes, at least not until now.

Kellin was different; he wasn’t a ‘happy-go-lucky’ like most people. He didn’t look careless and free of worry like everyone else who I knew; he looked like he was shouldering a heavy burden though I could tell he was doing everything he could to mask it, and I had to say he was good at that.

Then again I don’t even know if my thoughts are anywhere near to the truth; for all I know he could have the best life ever, but he just doesn’t get enough sleep or he plays too much video games. Or I could just be misinterpreting everything and making it all up in my head. I was never the best to read moods, and I’m sure I’m still not.

While I was singing one of the songs I wrote, in his presence I was nervous; I could feel my palms getting sweaty even before everything was set up. My insides felt as if they were turning inside out, but I knew I had to overcome this; if I couldn’t perform in front of one person then how would I be able to in large crowds?

Though when I started singing I got lost in my own thoughts of him; he was hard to figure out, but at the same time I only knew him for 3 days. I was never really patient in anything I did, though I forced myself to be just to appear normal. I always did anything to make myself appear just like everyone else, just so I wouldn’t stand out and be teased, but despite that I was angry at myself because of the fact that I was too scared to let my true colors show.

When I heard him sing I couldn’t help but feel happy; his voice, just like his looks, was beautiful. His voice hit every note perfectly without fail, and he just seemed so confident in what he was doing, unlike myself; He seemed to be completely in his element.

He had finished all too quickly, and everyone was saying that we should now both sing together, and I had the perfect song. I had initially written this for two people to sing, but I didn’t know who else to sing this with, so it had been left abandoned in my room for months until now, when I finally have a chance to sing it with someone.

I grabbed the lyrics and gave them to Kellin, now standing next to him; I showed him which parts he would be singing and which were my parts. I showed him the basic beat and melody of the song and he picked up on it surprisingly quickly.
I, along with Jaime and Tony, started playing; I started off singing the first line, which was then followed by Kellin, singing the next.

Dare me to jump off of this Jersey bridge
I bet you never had a Friday night like this
Keep it up, keep it up, let's raise our hands
I take a look up at the sky and I see
Red for the cancer, red for the wealthy
Red for the drink that's mixed with suicide
Everything red

Please, won't you push me for the last time
Let's scream until there's nothing left
So sick of playing, I don't want this anymore
The thought of you is no fucking fun
You want a martyr, I'll be one
Because enough's enough, we're done

You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor

The thing I think I love
Will surely bring me pain
Intoxication, paranoia, and a lot of fame
Three cheers for throwing up
Pubescent drama queen
You make me sick, I make it worse by drinking late

Scream until there's nothing left
So sick of playing, I don't want to anymore
The thought of you is no fucking fun
You want a martyr I'll be one
Because enough's enough, we're done

You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor

Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
And if the bass shakes the earth underground
We'll start a new revolution now
(Now! Alright here we go)

Hail Mary, forgive me
Blood for blood, hearts beating
Come at me, now this is war!

Fuck with this new beat
Oh!

Now terror begins inside a bloodless vein
I was just a product of the street youth rage
Born in this world without a voice or say
Caught in the spokes with an abandoned brain
I know you well but this ain't a game
Blow the smoke in diamond shape
Dying is a gift so close your eyes and rest in peace

You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor

Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
We are the shadows screaming take us now

We'd rather die than live to rust on the ground
Shit

Singing along with someone was a new experience for me, especially with a song that I had written. It was nice to say the least. The anxious feeling that I had from the beginning had already left me, after a few moments into the first song and I was just completely enjoying myself just like I always do while singing.

We had decided to leave the garage now since it was getting late and my mum was calling all of us to dinner. As they say ‘time flies fast when you’re having fun’ to which I have to completely agree with.

Dinner was fairly comfortable for me, but I could see that Kellin was slightly uneasy as he was cautiously eating his food, or maybe he just didn’t like it.
There was some small talk going on; my mum asked a few questions to Kellin, which was to be expected since she has never seen him before, though I have told the little information that I know about him.

Eventually there was shouting across the table, just like every time all of them came over for dinner. I never really understood why everyone was shouting, and what it was actually about, but somehow everyone just felt better after it; I guess it was just a way to release stress.
But amongst those shouts we had managed to agree that we would do this song for our assignment.
Kellin didn’t look too bothered by the noise, though you couldn’t say that he was exactly happy; he didn’t participate and just observed, just like I would normally do.
My mum had given up on trying stopping them from shouting a long time ago; whenever it started she would just go back to her room or living room, anywhere really to get away from the noise. Though she never looked angry, maybe occasionally slightly irritated but as long as we didn’t break anything she had no problem with us.

Everyone had left at the same time after playing a few video games; Kellin had offered a lift to Tony and Jaime, who both happily obliged.

“So Vic” my brother started, I already hated to where this was going; he had his ‘I know something’ smirk which, whenever was directed at me, made me cringe.
“What?”
“When are you going to ask Kellin out?”
At this I was sure I looked dumbstruck. How would Mike out of all people have thoughts like that, I mean I was pretty certain I didn’t make it obvious that I felt slight attraction towards Kellin, and take in mind that it was slight, not to the point where I would be desperate to go out with him, so far it hadn’t even crossed my mind. And Mike wasn’t exactly the most observant person who I knew; most of the time he was trying to win an argument with a friend of his, or just too busy thinking about something else.

“What are you talking about?” I was full on frowning at him, giving him the ‘are you an idiot’ look, which I, frankly, gave him daily.
“Don’t try to deny it. I see the way you look at him. I see everything” By this point I was almost certain he was just taking the piss
“Ok, first off, I know that I am gay and all, but that doesn’t mean I will go for any new guy that joins our group, and second, how do we even know he plays for our team”
“Oh shut up Vic, haven’t you noticed that lately nearly everyone in our group is bisexual, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was”
‘Good point’ I thought for a moment. Nearly everyone who had similar dressing sense to us seemed to be bisexual, or as far as I have noticed, but that didn’t mean in the least that Kellin was as well.
“You know what, I’m not in the mood for your shit right now Mike” I said walking up stairs to my bedroom, shutting my doors and locking them, to prevent him from coming in, as he would try to after every time we have these sorts of mini-arguments.

Me and Mike actually got along well; we could read each other like a book, but that was probably why we pissed each other off so much, we just couldn’t keep out of each other’s business and we just have to get involved. It’s too tempting not to.

Though I had to admit he had a point, there were many people now a days that were bisexual, and it didn’t exactly matter the way people dressed, it just seemed that to this modern day people were driven to the point to just go for anyone, or that they just gave up caring about what the gender was, as long as they felt attraction.
Many believed that the gender didn’t matter in the least; that the souls didn’t have a gender or some shit like that. But there were also the homophobes who would just beat the living shit out of you in our school, if you just so much as show the tiniest bit of attraction to the same sex.