Behind My Mask

It had nearly been a week since the party, and nothing in mine and Kellin’s relationship had changed, not that I expected it to. Although we have become slightly closer; more like best friends, and it was nice. I knew that I would always want something more than that, but not everyone’s wishes can be fulfilled.

I was more comfortable around him now; I had gotten used to him always being there, always being at band practice, and always being in school. All of us spend a lot of time after school, hanging out at each other’s houses or anywhere really. We spent the majority of time together and only parted ways when we had to go home. There were rarely any days that we wouldn’t spend together.

All five of us had become like brothers, we were inseparable. Though, I could see that Tony and Mike were just slightly more brotherly than with everyone else, and I was starting to pick up on what was going on, but not wanting to create false assumptions I said nothing.
Matty was a close friend of ours as well, but he didn’t have as much free time as we did, and he also had other close friends, unlike us who mainly could only rely on each other.
I was sure each of us had our own friends as well, but I knew they weren't as close.

While in one of my more uninteresting subjects, I went back on remembering how all of us had become friends; how many fights we have had, and how many good memories we had made. I even remembered how we had first met in a nursery; we started off with having a stupid fight over a single crayon. I kept thinking that if that one small, stupid fight haven’t had happened then I probably wouldn’t have the friends I have now; my life could be completely different.

Remembering the first time I met Kellin had also brought back the feeling I had; I was anxious, but also exited to find out who this incredible looking person was. Hearing his angelic voice had added on to those feelings that I had quickly shoved deep in my soul. I knew I was exaggerating, but I couldn’t help the attraction that I felt even without knowing his personality.
I never used to believe ‘’Love at first sight’’ because no such thing had happened to me, but seeing his face had made me question some of my morals.
Though, not wanting to create false hope I hid those feelings from myself, not wanting to get absorbed in them and hoping for too much, to only have my hopes completely crushed in the most cruel and un-phantomable way possible.

Learning his personality made the attraction even stronger; I had thought that with good looks came a bad personality, judging from my previous experiences, but I was proved wrong.
It made keeping my feelings hidden from myself even harder than it already was.

I believe that everyone has a flaw that even applies for Kellin, but so far I had found none. I thought deeper and observed him more, trying to find just one flaw, when I had noticed a crack in his perfect mask; I knew he was hiding something, though it was not obvious. Whatever it was, he was good at hiding it; a master at deception.
It made me want to learn him all the more; I wanted to get closer to him and get him to open up. To show me what he hid underneath that flawless mask of his.

I was determined, screw my anxiety, I was going to accomplish at least one goal in my life before I pass. I’m not going to let him slip away from me easily, not like everything else in my life. I had always been too weak to stand up to anything, to keep anything. I had always let everyone control my life, like a puppet with strings, but I’m not going to let that continue; I was going to cut those strings and control my own life.

This realization could only be thanked to Kellin; even if he didn’t do anything, or even realize how highly I thought of him, he could still be credited, and I did credit him, I thanked him for letting me save me from myself even while he was completely oblivious to it.

The bell had completely shaken me out of my thoughts, notifying me that the day was not yet over and that things still had to be done. The week was nearly over already though, it was Thursday so one more day left and we have spring break.

My days in high-school seemed to just fly by; I tend to lose myself in my thoughts and the time magically runs past me. I don’t feel near as much stress as my fellow students, and that worried me sometimes, but my grades were average, and I wasn’t aiming anywhere in my life really. There weren't many careers that interested me, and going to a university didn’t sound appealing.
No one bothered enough to motivate me in a way that would actually help, so I just didn’t try as hard as I could, I try to live my life the easy way.

Later in the day I was informed that we would spend our week in one of Tony’s villas, which was near the beach. We all obviously had a choice whether we wanted to come or not, but given that we all loved the beach, none of us refused.

Saturday, the day we departure, had come quick. Once again Matty had decided to stay behind, telling us that he had more important things to attend.
We had all gathered the necessary things that we will need and were now sitting cramped in one car; it was nearly overflowing with things and the ride there was going to take at least a few hours.
Sitting at the front we had Tony by the wheel, and Mike in the passenger’s seat next to him.
At the back there was me, in the middle we had Kellin, and next to him was Jaime.
Some of our stuff was in our laps and all around us because not everything could fit in the boot. I didn’t really understand what had taken so much space, surely we didn’t need that much stuff to last us a week.

We had left in the afternoon; a sunset could be seen, but that wasn’t my main interest. As always it was Kellin; he was leaning against me, and his shallow breathing told me that he was asleep.
My arm had fallen asleep, but I still didn’t want to disrupt his sleep, even if it meant that I had to suffer for the time being.

I assumed that I fell asleep because now we had arrived at the villa. Some of my muscles felt sore, but nothing that I couldn’t bear, and most of my bones were popping when I had gotten out to stretch.
It was dark outside, so I couldn’t say much about the scenery; the night sky was cloudy so nothing apart from a half moon could be seen. The beach was not in my line of sight, but it could be heard and the salty air could also be felt.
There was a light breeze, just like with nearly every beach, and the night air was cool, but it was a nice change from my usual landscape.

We had quickly found our rooms, and obviously I had made sure that I was sharing one with Kellin. There were three bedrooms; two of which had two separate beds, and one which had a king sized bed. Tony and Mike had taken the other room with two beds, and Jaime was more than happy to get the king sized bed.

The rooms looked strangely identical; the two beds were at the opposite sides of the room, there was a walk-in wardrobe and a large window that gave the view of the sea.
The room was painted in calm, yet cool colors; the walls were painted in a light blue color, and the carpet was a nice turquoise color.
Most of the furniture in the bedrooms were colored white to just fit with the sea theme, but there were also some rooms in the house which had a warm vibe to it, almost the complete opposite of the bedrooms.

We had quickly made ourselves comfortable, and I would have personally preferred to go straight to sleep, but Tony had other ideas; he had set up a few movies that we had to watch all throughout the night, no exceptions.

There were two sofas that had a lot of space so I was glad for at least that; I was able to stretch out my legs across it, with Kellin who was opposite of me, doing the same.
It was really comfortable; the sofa was soft beyond belief, and there were just the right amount of pillows, at least there were now. I had thrown at least five pillows on the floor just to create that little bit extra comfort.

Tony had given us a large duvet to share, and he himself had a large duvet to share with Mike and Jaime.
Mike had known even before me that I saw Kellin more than just a friend, and he had told Tony and Jaime as well, so they cheered on me silently and tried to make special moments such as this.

Halfway through our second movie I was slowly starting to doze off, unable to maintain my concentration; the movie we were watching didn't catch my interest, nothing really did now-a-days when there is Kellin around. I had noticed that I have become obsessed with him; every time I think of something, he is always at the end of it. He always manages to squeeze himself in my thoughts, always get involved.

It pained me to keep these feeling bottled up, I wanted to tell him how I feel so bad, but if I did I knew he would think I am insane. I know that this would change our friendship for the worst and I didn't want that.
I wanted to feel close to him, I wanted to feel that he could trust me, that he depended on me, and that he could trust me with anything and that he would know I would never betray him.

But that was one of the things that I hated about myself; I was a loyal dog. I had been loyal to people who didn't deserve it, but I never learn.
Kellin hasn't done anything for me to be this loyal to him, and I know that he probably doesn't even realize that, but I know.