Behind My Mask

Being by the sea had brought back some pleasant memories I had with my family; they were probably the only good memories I had with them, which was when I was still just a small child, before my dad had gotten that job offer that would require him to change locations every few months.

At first everything was fine, but it was visible that we were becoming more distant with each other; family dinners became rarer, and overall we just spent less time with each other. Me and my siblings didn’t get along too well either, mainly because we would just annoy each other, and we didn’t have our parents to stop us.

It really started going downhill when I had gotten a babysitter; my siblings refused to watch me and always went out. My parents didn’t have the mental and physical strength to force them, so they simply hired a baby sitter. I didn’t mind too much at first because I at least had someone to spend time with, who would actually listen and look after me, but it was the opposite of what I had imagined.

She turned out to be abusive; me being the little child I was, I didn’t really understand and thought that it was perfectly normal when she would scold me over little things, so I never said anything to my parents, but after having her for a few weeks she didn’t just abuse me verbally. It had come to the physical point; light slaps and spankings, and still I thought it was rational because she would only do it when I had done something wrong, such as taking a cookie when I wasn’t supposed to, or being up after bed time, simple things.

Over time it had become much worse, but by that point I was too scared to do anything about it. Somewhere along that period of time, we had been taught about abuse in our school, even at such a young age. I had learned that I was supposed to tell an adult immediately if I thought someone was abusing me, so that gave me the courage to tell it to my mum.

She hadn’t believed me; she didn’t think a babysitter was capable of doing such a thing, but after my pleadings she had gotten me a new one.

When I had gotten to my teenage years, what my mum calls the ‘rebellious stage’, I had thought back to that incident, realizing how stupid and gullible I was. It had turned me twisted and grow hate towards my mum. There wasn’t much I could blame her for, but I didn’t know who else to express this hatred towards apart from myself.

I often used to think that I was overreacting, that I should forget about it and move on with my life, but I had recently realized that it had traumatized me; it had mentally scarred me and I knew it would take a long time for me to recover. I knew I needed help, but I was too scared to get it.

The baby sitter had inflicted self hatred in me; I hated my entire existence. Self harming helped me ease that emotional pain and hatred. I felt pathetic, but I knew no other way to keep myself sane.

I had been snapped out of my daze when Tony had nearly shouted in my ear, telling me to get going; we were going down to the beach and I still had yet to pack the stuff I will be needing.
Luckily I was quick and in a short amount of time we could leave, but the beach was basically like our back garden, so really there was no point in taking all this with us.

Nonetheless we had set ourselves up further down in the sand; we laid out a few towels and set our things down before proceeding to take our clothes off.
I decided that I would first lie in the sun, after applying at least a centimetre thick layer of sun cream. It was too early for me to get into the water.

Vic had stayed behind to keep me company as the rest of them had a race of who would be the first one in the water. It was amusing to watch them struggle continuing to run in the water, and trip on each other when the water was up to their knees.

I had covered nearly every visible part of my body in sun cream, apart from my back which I couldn’t be bothered enough to stretch to reach.
“Mind doing my back?” showing him the bottle of sun cream. He nodded and took the bottle from me, motioning me to turn on my belly.

The start of this day was really nice; the sun was blazing in the cloudless sky, and the ocean breeze was cooling the hot air, creating the perfect day. What made it even better was Vic’s hands massaging the sun cream in my skin; they were warm and gentle, while I expected them to be rough.
“Thanks” I mumbled when he had finished; I surprised myself when I missed the touch, but I quickly convinced myself it was the nice feeling it gave me.

After what I guessed was an hour, I decided to cool my skin in the water; the sun had warmed me up quite a bit, and with me having such a pale skin I was still worried that I would get a sunburn even with the layer of sun cream.
Everyone had gotten about half an hour before, and they were ready to go again; as I was approaching the water they had decided to grab me in union, carry me in to the water, and when it was deep enough they tossed me in.

I wasn’t at all happy, but everyone else seemed to be amused. I wiped the wet strands of hair out of my face to be meted with a helping hand up and a smiling face. As always it was Vic, but at this point it really didn’t surprise me that he would always be there. I was starting to feel that I could really depend on him, but I still doubted that thought greatly.

We continued to splash around in the water until we had felt it was enough, and returned to the safety of our towels. It had actually gotten cold quickly with the sun starting to set; it was still warm, but spending a few hours in the water had made the impact of the wind much stronger.

We spent another unknown amount of time outside before retreating back inside. All of us were pretty tired after having had countless competitions, some which included building sand castles, and overall just races, so we just went straight to bed.
I had managed to fall asleep peacefully, but the nightmares always haunted me, there was no stopping them.
The next few days were similar to each other; the activities varied only slightly, but the days were exactly the same. It was midnight of our last day here and we had all decided to go to bed on time just for the sake of it. We have already had two all nighters and we had already gotten ourselves drunk twice so it was only rational to go to bed on time this time, but I was unable to sleep. Just when I had wondered if Vic was up too he spoke up.
“Kellin, you up?”
“Mmhmm”
“Wanna see something?”
“What?”
I could hear some shuffling, and when he spoke again his voice was much closer.
“Come with me” he grabbed my hand, already pulling me out of my bed before I could protest
He had brought me outside, though I didn’t see the big deal about it. He must’ve understood because he started speaking again.
“Look, the moon and all the stars are brightest tonight” He pointed towards the sky, briefly looking at it before meeting my eyes.

I looked up and examined the sky; it was truly a beautiful scenery with the stars shining brightly, and the moon illuminating not only the sky, but also the sea. The waves crashing against the shore could be heard, and only a small, soft breeze was in the air.

I returned my gaze back to Vic, whose eyes seemed to reflect some of those brightly burning stars. I couldn’t help but examine how his face looked in the moon lit night, and I just couldn’t help but have my eyes dart to his lips. I remember clearly how his lips felt on mine; I remember that moment as clear as day.

I felt a similar urge from that time; the urge of wanting to be close to him, and I didn’t hesitate to give in. I had subconsciously stepped forward, only mere inches away from his face, quickly closing that small gap. He had responded to my actions immediately, opening his mouth just so that I could slip my tongue in it, feeling the same sensations I had the last time, but this time they were more urged, and on our own impulses. This time I had no excuse, it was all my actions.

I felt those all to similar arms snake around my waist, pulling our bodies closer, while my hands were tangled in his hair, trying to bring his face closer to mine, to deepen the kiss.

It had started out slow and sweet, but it quickly became urged, we were quickly becoming hungry for each other. I may not know clearly what Vic was feeling, but that much I did know; his actions were revealing his thoughts to me.

I was completely lost in the moment; exploring every part of him that I could, and I could feel him doing the same. But it had reached a point when I had finally completely realized my actions, and I had regained control over my body.

I stopped and gave him a quick push, tearing us apart; He looked startled, and looked at me with a hurt and confused expression.
“I’m sorry, I... I just don’t know... I don’t know what I am doing” I quickly made my way back inside; I was confused myself, I didn’t understand how I could have such feeling towards someone who might be my first best friend. With these reckless actions I might have destroyed the friendship we have, and that was the furthest thing I wanted from happening. I realized that he was responding in a positive manner, but it must only have been the atmosphere, it was probably only impulse.

I couldn’t sleep after that at all; my mind was an emotional wreck even if I wouldn’t show it on my face. I didn’t hear him return that night; my only guess was that he decided it wouldn’t feel normal to return to the same room where I was. He was probably disgusted by me, and I couldn’t blame him. After all, having such an act committed towards you, by me, would want you to never see my face again. I know I would.

The next morning I saw him I wouldn’t look him in the eyes; I couldn’t, I felt too ashamed of my actions. Thankfully on the way back Jaime was sitting between me and Vic, so I could avoid the awkward atmosphere just a little bit.

A few hours later and we were back in San Diego; Mike and Vic were the first to be dropped off, shortly followed by Jaime.
It was just me and Tony now, and he didn’t waste any time questioning me.
“So what happened between you and Vic? You both seem so tense.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There is this awkward tension around you two, y’know?” He shrugged
“It must be just you then, I don’t feel anything” I cheered myself for having amazing skills at lying, and keeping a perfectly straight face while doing so.

Tony had dropped it there, realizing that he won’t get anything out from me.
When I had arrived home I was surprised to see my dad home; it instantly made my stomach drop, because whenever he was home it was never good news.
I cautiously walked inside, peering in the room he was in.
“Ah, Kellin” he said in his overly cheery, fake voice when he saw me
“We are moving again”