Broken Roads and Lonely Hearts

After school that day Billie invited me to his house. He said he was busy today but wanted to spend tomorrow with me. I accepted and watched him smile and walk away. I giggled to myself and walked home. I couldn't wait until tomorrow. Maybe then he would man up and kiss me. I mean, I could wait as long as he needed but it was bugging me that I couldn't just kiss him whenever I wanted to.

When we walked around we saw all of the cute couples and how they kissed and looked so happy together. When I told Billie how I wanted to be like them, he just kissed my cheek and smiled.

I laid down on my bed and thought about kissing him. I bit my lip and grabbed my sketchbook out of my backpack, drawing the scene. He had his hands on my back and I had mine around his neck. I sketched the outline and put the book aside.

Maybe he'll kiss me tomorrow, I thought to myself. It just seemed kind of logical, him wanting me to come over. Then again, he probably just wanted to eat brownies and write song lyrics.

I looked at myself in my mirror and wondered exactly what he found attractive in me. I had blonde almost as white as my skin, with purple tips. My eyes were the most annoying color on the planet, as blue as the ocean. My lips were always coated black like my eyes. And my soul. I laughed to myself and lifted my shirt up to show my stomach. I sighed and let go of my shirt. It looked like I was gaining weight again. I stepped on my scale and was proved wrong. I lost half of a pound, now weighing exactly 83 pounds.

I hopped off and walked to my bed, grabbing the guitar pick that Billie had given me last week. It was a really pretty green, almost as pretty as his eyes. I grabbed my blade and carefully cut what could be called a circle in the thin pick. It took me awhile, but I finally got a circle in it. I grabbed a chain from my drawer and put the pick on it. I connected the chain together around my neck and smiled. Billie's guitar pick hung lightly above my breasts.

Hopefully he wouldn't mind I probably ruined his pick. Not that he would use it again. I just felt it should be kept close to heart, no matter how cliché that sounds.

I fell asleep shortly after that. When I woke up, I got up and thought about what I should wear. I decided on a white button-down and a red tie. I grabbed my tightest pair of black skinny jeans that I owned and took time combing through my hair.

I had no idea why I was trying so hard, I know Billie of all people wouldn't care if I showed up in sweats and a baggy t-shirt. He would probably find that attractive. I added dark eyeshadow, making my blue eyes pop out even more. Today I chose a soft pink shade of lipstick, hopefully making my lips more attractive and kissable than they usually are.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I hated how I always looked. I wasn't attractive in my opinion. I sighed and walked out the door, letting Nicole know I would be gone for a while. It was awfully windy out, even though it was the beginning of December.

It took me about fifthteen minutes to get to Billie's house, and I stood at his door for a few minutes, deciding if I wanted to have all the buttons of my shirt buttoned or have one unattached.

"I would keep it buttoned," a voice said behind me. I jumped and turned around, finding Mike watching me. "Because it's more to discover. But that's just my opinion."

I nodded and smiled at Mike softly. "How did you know what I was thinking about?" I asked him.

Mike shook his head. "Just a guess. Billie is a lucky guy to have a girl like you. And he's actually trying not to mess it up this time. Usually he sleeps with other people during his relationships, but not with you. You're the most beautiful out of anyone he's ever loved, I can tell you that."

I felt myself start to blush. "That isn't true Mike," I said.

He walked up and tilted my chin. "Yes it is. I would kiss you right now if Billie already had. But I think Billie should be your first. Besides, he's the one dating you, not me. You're not mine to touch." Mike dropped his hand and I stood on my toes to kiss his cheek. He smiled and kissed mine. Like I said before, he was just a brother to me, nothing more.

"I'm sorry Mike," I whispered.

"Don't be sorry. You should never be sorry."

I turned around and opened the door. I stepped in and Mike followed me. Billie came up and hugged me, kissing my nose. Mike grunted and walked down the hall. Billie smiled and picked me up.

"How are you angel?" He asked me, kissing my nose and cheek over and over. I giggled and pulled away.

"That tickles so much Billie," I sneezed in his face and he laughed. He opened the door to his room and tossed me on his bed. He started to tickle my sides and I squealed. I kept begging him to stop but that just made him tickle faster. I put my feet on his chest and pushed on him. He stopped and smiled at me.

"You never answered my question," Billie said, pulling me on his lap. I kissed his jaw and he grinned.

"I'm good," I answered, skimming my hands over Billie's stomach. He closed his eyes and pulled me closer to him.

"That's good," Billie chuckled. "Because I'm great." Billie's hands found my waist and he opened his eyes to look in mine. He bit his lip and glanced at mine, before looking at my eyes again. He smiled softly at me before leaning in and kissing me gently.

His lips, I don't really know how to describe them. They were just as gentle as Billie himself. Just as tender, just as sweet, just as careful. He pulled back and leaned his nose on mine. I quickly pulled his lips back on mine and kissed him not as gentle as he had kissed me because I was excited. I stroked his arms, and his fingers traced up my spine under my shirt.

Billie's lips parted from mine and went to my neck. I don't know how he could be so gentle with me, when it was obvious I wanted something a little more rough.

I took my hands of his arms and moved them to my shirt, slowly unbuttoning. Billie stopped kissing my neck to watch. He glanced up and me when he could see my bra. I grabbed his left hand and placed it on my breast. He bit his lip and closed his eyes.

"Katie, what exactly are you doing?" He whispered. His hand kept twitching.

"Will you quit acting like this is the first pair of breasts you've seen?" I crossed my arms, causing Billie to pull his back.

"It's cute you call them breasts and not boobs. But why are you doing this? I don't have a problem with it, but it's getting really hard for me not to touch you when you reveal yourself like this."

"Maybe I want you to touch me Billie." I looked away.

"I know what you want, but I'm trying to be patient. It'll be better for you in the end, you have to trust me on this."

"I do trust you Billie, I really really do." I pulled away from him and sighed. "Which is why you have to see something." I pulled up one of my gloves that I always wore. I've wore them everyday for three years, only taking them off to shower. They were white and lace, and extremely comfortable; I barely felt them most of the time. They went up to my elbows and I'm still surprised I haven't poked a thousand holes in them.

I placed my arm in Billie's lap, and he turned it over. He examined every cut, scar, and burn I had on my arm. His expression was pained, he looked really upset, like he had been the one to cause this. He pulled my arm up gently and kissed every inch of it. I shivered and pulled my arm back, also pulling my glove sleeve back up. Billie stood up and pulled his pants down slowly. I wrinkled my eyebrows and looked at him, confused. He sat back down and pushed his boxers up a couple inches, where five faint lines marked his skin. I fought back tears as he pulled his pants back up.

I kissed him to try and stop the tears, but it didn't work. I could feel I was making his face damp, but he didn't seem to care. He held me close and I realized he was crying too.

"I'm so sorry Billie," I whispered. "I am so so sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for Katie. Don't be sorry. This isn't your fault."

"I didn't know you would have something to show me. I wasn't expecting it."

"Nobody knows but you. I've always kept it a secret."

"You didn't have to tell me."

"You had to know. You showed me your arm, that's a pretty big step."

"I know."

"I love you Katie."

I shook my head. "Billie."

"I mean it Katie. I love you."

I sighed. "You're stupid, I hope you know that."

He smiled. "Yeah I know. But you like me so I can't be too stupid."

"I don't like you Billie."

"Oh?"

"I love you."

We both laughed. "That wasn't cliché at all," Billie said as he wiped my tears away.

"I really do love you though." I kissed him softly.

I held Billie as close as I could. He held his arms around my waist and moved them under my shirt. I took apart the rest of the buttons and sighed when Billie's finger brushed the top of my breast. He was twirling my bra straps with his fingers, my shirt had fallen off in the process. His left hand went to the clasp and my hands tightened on his arms.

His arms were so strong. I always felt safe when he held me. Billie pulled away slightly, still in our embrace.

"I really really want to make love to you right now," Billie admitted.

"Then do it," I whispered. "I'm not going to stop you."

"It's not time yet. We still need to waiting."

"I'm sick of waiting Billie. Just love me already."

Billie chuckled and shook his head. "I can't Katie. I promise I will do it by the end of the year."

I smiled. It was the beginning of December. Which meant we would sleep together in a couple weeks or so. I hoped Billie would keep his promise. I brought my lips to his and pushed him down so I was above him. His hands snaked up my torso, messing with the thin fabric of my bra. I bit his bottom lip and he kissed me harder.

"Don't be so nervous," I sighed as I slid his hand under my bra. He held it gently and I giggled and pulled away. Billie looked confused when I stood up. I pulled my pants off and dropped them on the ground. I sat back in Billie's stomach and watched as he looked at my body.

I closed my eyes for a couple minutes, debating whether or not I should ask Billie to go down on me. Ever since he mentioned it that one time at lunch, I had gained interest in it and wondered what it felt like. Maybe it wasn't as weird as I was imagining. I laid back and watched Billie get comfortable above me. His lips found mine and I tangled my fingers in his hair.

Just as I was about to make a move, I felt myself drifting to sleep. Billie kissed my cheek.

"Go to sleep angel," Billie whispered in my ear. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"I don't want to sleep," I muttered, nuzzling his shoulder. "I want you to love me."

"I do love you."

"You know what I mean Billie."

I never heard what he said after me because by then I had fallen asleep.